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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

for being pissed off at dh that he........

155 replies

thepuddingchef · 26/03/2009 10:42

has decided to use his entire inheritance on his hobby??
I really don't know whether I am being a cow or not. The short story is....we're not very affluent, but get by.....we are moving in a few weeks nearer my parents so that I can go back to work part-time. His mother passed away in dec, anyway after much speculation the ammount he was going to get from his mothers estate is only going to be in the region of £1500. We don't have this money yet, but he has already put a deposit on an item for his hobby....which will cost £800 in total, and I saw an email this morning with him discussing buying another item for his hobby, £900 ono. I haven't confronted him about it as I just don't know whether I have the right to feel pissed off as it is his mothers money....equally it would have been nice to buy something for the kids.....as always with kids there is lots they need......what would you do?? Am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:

DorisIsAPinkDragon · 26/03/2009 13:11

i think that should be exactly what he needs to do sell a helicopter or 3

kickassangel · 26/03/2009 13:13

i would be very tempted to open up an account just in my name, then empty out the joint account. when dh complains, tell him he can have the money AFTER he has settled debts (it's theft not to repay) and sorted out the car.

but that would cause some huge arguments, so perhaps a little extreme.

you know all this, of course, but then it's not your job to make him grow up, that would just turn you into a nagging mother! still, i would be furious beyond the point of return if dh did this.

Original poster

thepuddingchef · 26/03/2009 13:13

I know your all right, i'm just too sad and weak to do anything about it. You only have to look at my other thread a few months back to see that I should have done something about it a long time ago. Thats why we're moving nearer my parents to give me a chance to get a life back and some confidence. I gave him an ultimatum that we had to move or I was going to leave secretly hoping he wouldn't move so I would have the excuse I wanted to leave.....he agreed

OP posts:

LoveMyGirls · 26/03/2009 13:17

Sit him down tell him you are worried about money. See what he has to say about it. If he goes on about buying helicoptors you just calmly say if you buy more helicopters instead of sorting our family out you will not be moving with us I will leave without you. Because that will probably be enough for him to see sense and if it isn't then you can have the fresh start that you need without him wasting your family money on crap, you will cope you will have your family support and you will in time find someone who deserves you and your family.

Really sorry that right now you are feeling so weak but in time you will get stronger and happier.

LoveMyGirls · 26/03/2009 13:18

You were strong enough to give him the ultimatium last time so maybe you can be this time too, I hope so before he wastes money.

kickassangel · 26/03/2009 13:24

btw, when i first opened the thread, i read a post about helicopters, and thought you owned 5 REAL ones, and would be buying another two. It was the one that said 'I do think he should have a helicopter if thats what he wants'.

Wow, i thought you were rich!

seriously, though, if he spends all his time & money on a hobby which deprives you & the kids, he wouldn't be my husband. i could cope with one day each weekend as the MAX for dh heading off without us, and we would discuss any finances together. the money you owe & the car should be FIRST priority.

DorisIsAPinkDragon · 26/03/2009 13:25

puddingchef- you are not too sad and weak, worn down maybe but you know something needs to change..... it's up to you what that is.

Original poster

thepuddingchef · 26/03/2009 13:25

lol...real helicopters! if only!

OP posts:

ithinkimtallandblonde · 26/03/2009 13:28

Sell the helicopter, i'd run it over in his baldy tyred car.
He's taking the piss, he's happy to except handouts from your family but wants to keep his mums money.
You need to give to have a chat. He should want to spend the money on his family, i love when i can buy the kids and dh something special, it happens so rarely. He should want to say thank you to you for being such an understanding wife that you let him spend time and money on his hobby he should want you to be happy. I'm pleased your moving closer to your family.

ithinkimtallandblonde · 26/03/2009 13:29

Just out of interest did MIL leave your dc any money?

kickassangel · 26/03/2009 13:30

if he's willing to move rather than lose you all, it indicates that he does love you. making him take responsibility will actually help HIM as much as yourself & kids in the long term. it is the kind & helpful thing to do, not selfish. try thinking of it that way, does it give you more confidence? cos it's true. letting him be selfish & immature doesn't make him a happier person, or anyone else around him.

hopefully, if you start working p/t time (good luck with that) you'll be more confident, and be able to spend some money on your self. Don't let him think that cos he's 'supported' you for several years, he can now spend more on himself. you really need him to start looking at what you all need, not just what he wants.

evil thought - ebay his helicopters for him?

Original poster

thepuddingchef · 26/03/2009 13:32

no money for dc to be fair she didn't have a lot and I suppose she didn't think she would be leaving us so suddenly.

OP posts:

bronze · 26/03/2009 13:34

No advise with the money, dh would be similar though not quite as bad. I'm another downtrodden RC wife and I still can't get what it is about these overgrown toys that makes full grown men lose all sense.

Wonder if theres any other RC wives out there

Original poster

thepuddingchef · 26/03/2009 13:36

I have just spoken to him on the phone and casually mentioned his car. His reply was that when I start work we could afford to spend some money each month on leasing a better one, so why bother fixing his rubbish car now?!
Am quite taken aback really.....

OP posts:

ithinkimtallandblonde · 26/03/2009 13:37

The only reason i ask is that i would assume if she didn't it was because she thought the money she left for you dh would go towards them as well.

LuJay · 26/03/2009 13:37

i think it would have been fair to spend half the money on him and half on the rest of the family for something they would enjoy rather than for bills that is (if at all possible). Since this was money not expected, i recon it should be enjoyed as well as shared, in memory of his mother.

myredcardigan · 26/03/2009 13:38

The sad truth is that the helicopter thing is just symptomatic of the bigger problem, namely that he's a selfish tosser.

He is neither a decent husband nor a decent father because love is all about putting others first and being considerate towards others.

Every penny that comes into your household belongs to both of you regardless of how it gets there. The fact that he works outside the home and you're a SAHM is completely irrelevant.

However, with regards the car, you are certainly being morally neglectful by allowing him to continue driving it. Perhaps even legally complicit too.

Original poster

thepuddingchef · 26/03/2009 13:39

oh bronze...perhaps we can start a rc-widows club.....

OP posts:

bronze · 26/03/2009 13:39

Thing is not only has he spent his inheritance already but hes spent more than hes getting. Plus there will be all the extra parts and fuel? (unless they lectric)

Want me to advertise some of his stuff on heliaddict or helifreak for you?

DorisIsAPinkDragon · 26/03/2009 13:41

He really does have his head up his arse in the sand doesn't he, you are struggling with outgoings atm and rather than getting on an even keel, and having somthing to fall back on he wants to increase his outgoings.

(oh and seriously look at leasing definitely not the most cost efective way to own a car )

HSMM · 26/03/2009 13:42

My DH inherited some money from his mother's estate last year and handed the cheque over to me as soon as he opened the envelope, to pay into the bills/mortgage account. I told him he could use it to buy something to remind himself of his mother and he said no, he'd rather plan for the future.

Original poster

thepuddingchef · 26/03/2009 13:42

yeah....def bronze! He only has one electric heli. He binned one in the ground a couple of weeks ago and had to rebuild costing £140 quid, plus it must be a gallon of fuel at least every week used......

OP posts:

GColdtimer · 26/03/2009 13:43

"His car has a slow puncture which he has to pump up every morning, it has 4 bald tyres, no tax and soon no mot"

I am sorry but he is a selfish tosser who needs to grow up.

myredcardigan · 26/03/2009 13:43

The other thing is do you really want your son growing up seeing his such a man as an acceptable role model? Both your father and your brother sound far better role models for a young boy IMO.

Original poster

thepuddingchef · 26/03/2009 13:46

when it came up about the money he said we couldn't pay bills with the money as it was his inheritance and that would be a waste of the money.......
right i'm going off to ponder for a bit and have a cuppa, and stop ignoring dc

OP posts:

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