To ask DH to bring a couple of bits of shopping home?

[starsnstripes]

Emailed DH to ask if he would bring some milk and bread home on the way back from work as thought I had some in the freezer.

He replied "Yes ok"

Then he sent a seperate e mail titled "Why"

It read
"why are running out of basic items?"

Know that sounds pretty tame but he has been really agrumentive recently and questioning everything I have'nt done or criticising what I have done.

It's just another case of him being verbally abusive and controlling.

ABetaDad, I have noticed you don't always read all the way through they thread before adding your ha-porth, and I think that's not great.

He sounds EXACTLY like my ex. Starsnstripes if you feel up to it and I know this is hard, you need to operate a policy of ZERO tolerance to these sort of comments. I would say "WHAT do you mean by that?" when he makes those sorts of comments like "tip of the iceberg". I know it is hard and for the first couple of years of my marriage I honestly thought it was all my fault and things would go better if I could just try harder. Believe me it won't. If you possibly can you HAVE to stand up to him and pull him on his nonsense. It is hard if you are not a confrontational person though.

You could also maybe get this book guide to spotting an arsehole, this really helped me to see what a complete arse my ex was.

Your posts have really needled me because I so recognise my awful, controlling ex in them. The one that really got me is where he talks about taking control of the childrens needs. My ex used to say things like this all the time. I bet you get a horrible sick feeling in your tummy when he says that don't you? He is threatening to take the most fundamental thing you have away from you - your need and ability to parent your own children. He wouldn't do it of course but he is letting you know that he can if he wants just to make you feel unsafe. Setting impossibly high standards that he himself would never live up to. Its ABUSIVE, end of story.

"So I have to spend my day shopping then,it's just the tip of the iceberg really is'nt it"

My XP used to say things like this. It was always "his" day, "his" morning, "his" afternoon, "his" evening.
When you're free and single it is, but when you're a family, it should be "our" day.

He was so narcissistic, it was as if he truly believed he owned the day though

Actually fleur, it's even worse than that, because he apparently said "take care of MY children's needs"

Lots of advice,thank you everyone.
Will have a good read through everything.

The comments about being a bad mother are the worst,can handle all the rest.
It's just the mother comments do hit really hard and I can't stay with someone who thinks that of me.
My DS has SN and in the past he has said I was to blame for them
It took me a long time to convince myself that I was'nt ,that hurt so much.

Have'nt spoken to him much.
He took the children out to get a few things I needed after much moaning.
He came back and threw the list in the sink.

I have a busy week next week lots going on and my DS has an appointment to go to.
I was looking at the calender and asked him if he could help out.
He was listening to the radio so came over shouting saying
"I can't listen to the radio and you at the same time,what's the problem?"

Told him about DS's appointment and he interupted saying I can't give you any help next week.

And the charming behaviour just carries on, doesn't it!

Tosser.

If I was you - I'd keep a copy of this as evidence of his behaviour. That might sound OTT or daft but you never know when you might need it.

I mean a copy of this thread! Sorry, typing all over the place at the moment.

Starsnstripes my ds has High Functioning Autism. When concerns were first raised at nursery and I wanted to take him to the GP for a developmental paed referral My ex said that "there is nothing wrong with him, YOU want him to have autism so YOU can get lots of attention from doctors and your family". He also said that I had caused it because I am not very sociable and ds was copying how I am with people.

He just sounds so unbelievably similar to my ex it is uncanny.

Bloody hell, fleur do youthink these men are all working from the same sort of script or what?

When I was suffering from severe PND, My XP told me "You WANT to have PND because your mum had it, you don't WANT to get better so you don't have to look after DS."

Oh they are lovely aren't they? I cannot believe the similarities between so many of our stories on here.

The thing is you know what they are saying is bollocks but it hurts so badly that someone you love so much, have invested so much in could think that about you.

The scary thing is I think that they really believe they are right as well. Once I said that I was worried that the odd glass of wine I had when pregnant (3 in the whole time) may have affected ds's development and dh said "well yes you did sink quite a bit didn't you? I remember whole bottles on some weekends". I was gobsmacked, I never drank once in the house, I had one glass at his sisters wedding and then a spritzer at Christmas and one at New Year. This was how he wanted to see me though, that is what hurts. I think people in healthy relationships WANT to think well of each other but these bullying arseholes want to think badly of us so they can justify seeing us as inferior.

I think so fleur.

After one delightful episode when I was very ill (with the PND) my XP phoned up my mother to tell her that I was mad, not fit to look after DS and he couldn't have me (or DS) in the house any more .

. What a c*nt.

I called the police once because x was drunk and out of control and he was telling them that "she is a nutter, her Mum used to hit her as well so she thinks everyone is out to get her". The police were just looking at him with complete disgust.

Actually I am laughing reading back over what I have just written though I was gutted at the time. It just shows how far I have come that I can laugh now.

Starsnstripes I have just read all your posts properly. It makes me very sad to read that you were too scared to ask him where the bread and milk were. You should never be scared like that in your own home. Please think about that. You are in your own home and you are scared that is just the wrongest thing I can think of. Find something from somewhere and give him some of his own medicine PLEASE. Be cold as anything towards him. Use these phrases "if you cannot speak respectfully to me then do not speak to me at all", repeat as required. Another one that worked for me was "Stop your nonsense, you know what I am talking about now stop it", repeat as required. Do not get dragged in. Get the book I recommended it is unbelievably helpful and will give you some real insight.

I know... actually it turns out that he did me a favour because I went down to stay with my mum for a few weeks, got away from him, and began to recover.

All the time I was ill he was feeding stories to my mum about how I couldn't cope, was a bad mother etc. We were estranged at the time (a situation ancouraged and abetted by XP) so he could do this.

Thankfully, she came through for me and things are better now than they have ever been.

Sorry starsnstripes am hijacking your thread. I hope you are taking heart from our posts that you can get away and build a good life for yourself.

Since I left XP my life has improved hugely. Cash wise I am much poorer but in every other way I am so much richer

Stars - I wish I hadn't been off MN last night because I so relate to your horrible relationship. But because I do, I have to say - DON'T GO TO RELATE. They are not equipped to deal with abusive relationships, they are equipped to deal with mature people who are having temporary blips.

I say from experience, if you and this man go to Relate, you will be made to feel as if you are making a big fuss over nothing... Because he is an emotional abuser, and as such is an expert at appearing to be the reasonable person while making other people feel like shit.

If I weren't posting after wine o'clock (after an afternoon with all my nieces and nephews to boot) I could be so much more intelligent/intelligible/persuasive (delete as applicable), but what it boils down to is:

o You don't deserve him - you deserve better
o Your children need a better role model for a caring parent and partner in their life
o I left the cunt who behaved that way to me, and, having been with DH for 8 years now (5 of them married), have yet to receive one single put down of the kind I used to get every day.

And if you're around abetadad - please read more carefully? I know you're a considerate chap 'cos I've seen your other posts (although I still think you're a freak re playdates )

Sorry..ancouraged = encouraged.

Oh fleur and janos - reading your stories I'm so glad I wasn't broody when I met XP...

Were you allowed to look other people men in the eye? Or idly chitchat about non - womanly stuff to his friends? How much of a freak was my cunting ex?

He never stopped me going out or seeing folk, but used to make nasty comments afterwards. I think he was at the fairly mild end, quite subtle, but it still had a terrible effect on me.

For example, if we went out with friends, and I got drunk, he would say to me afterwards how embarrassing I was, how X thought I had a drinking problem, Y said I was annoying etc. I was so worn down I would just believe this stuff.

Oh he never stopped me going out either - just let me know how bored I'd made other people, and how slutty I must be to have idly chatted with his friends.

Fucking FREAK! And they're allowed to vote and drive [sigh]

And I fell for it [double sigh]

And here we have that bloody script again!

I used to get...'X says you are always flirting with other men'.

Funny how X,Y and Z never said these things to my face....

'Cos surely if we were flirting that hard we'd've been in better relationships already...

LOL..I had no confidence whatsoever in my appearance so would have been bewildered if anyone tried.

It never even occurred to me that men might find me attractive tbh.

I used to be told that everyone found me embarassing because I was so nosy, asking questions all the time. I really didn't, I was trying to be polite and ask people about their lives.

There were no problems with me going out.....until the next day or the day after when an almighty row would be picked over something trivial in order for him to release how pissed off he was about me going out.