To ask DH to bring a couple of bits of shopping home?

[starsnstripes]

Emailed DH to ask if he would bring some milk and bread home on the way back from work as thought I had some in the freezer.

He replied "Yes ok"

Then he sent a seperate e mail titled "Why"

It read
"why are running out of basic items?"

Know that sounds pretty tame but he has been really agrumentive recently and questioning everything I have'nt done or criticising what I have done.

It's just another case of him being verbally abusive and controlling.

sorry, whats CAB?
i left my husband january 2004, and its the best thing i ever did!! and the best thing for my 2 children at the time. within 9 months the 3 of us were different people, cofident and above all.-happy
it was a hard slog because he was, still is, a pig, but we are alot happier, you follow your heart

I bet DS would be a happier (and nicer) child in the long run if he had a happy and confident Mummy.

The thing that brought it home to me was this.

My ex went away on a fishing trip for a few days. You wouldn't believe how excited I was

After a day, he rang and said he was bored and cold and was coming home early. And you know what, I cried my eyes out at the thought of him coming home. THEN I realised.

And this part? all my self esteem and confidence has gone and am not the same person I once was.
Family members have commented as much.

Please, think about it. These people chip away at you over the years until you can't even remember who you used to be. But you can be that person again. It just takes courage and strong will xx

You do what's best for you. Your son will adjust, it's hard to see it now, but he will. Have you thought about where you will go? Is that what cab is for? Housing advice?

tough one here, what I do know whenever my wife is not happy with how I have spoken to her, she always lets me know, even if I dont see it.

you can only be treated how you allow others to treat you!

even if he thinks it is all you, it is irrelevant, you are feeling like this and so it needs to be addressed.

I just wonder if he has fallen into the mode that a lot of partners do when the other one is at home all day, there becomes a hidden resentment, and they feel they can treat you how they like as they are effectively keeping you.

write down what it is you dont like, and go through it with him point by point, do not argue.

Aeschylus - that's a partnership right there though, obviously your dw feels she can talk to you about stuff which is half the battle. But starsnstripes is too intimidated to bring it up, because he's sapped all her confidence. It's hard

"you can only be treated how you allow others to treat you!"

I see what you're saying there Aeschylus, but it really isn't that simple, and also puts responsibility on the person who is being abused. Because that's what's happening here.

Well if he's thinking like that and speaking to her as a possesion,then I'd say run for the hills!!!!!

No excuse for this. He must hear himself saying these things.. he must see her face fall when he speaks this way.

Resenment? Yes,sounds like he resents having a wife!

Have you got a dictaphone? or a mobile that records sounds, record him when he does not know, if he still does after he hears himself I am afraid the threat of leaving may have to be played.

I wonder, and I know this may hurt, do you think he wants you to leave, and he has one eye on the divorce proceedings where he can say you walked out.

I might me wrong, but you sound so nice, and feel for you.

If I posted your op on a new thread. what advice would you give me?

Stars - well done for starting thread - you clearly know that things can't go on as they are and you are already on the path to doing something about it.

A couple of people have said about 'leaving'. I think its important that you stand your ground - if you are looking after the children, you should be staying in the house - or, once things are sorted out, getting a smaller house for the 3 of you - you should not need to move out.

What do you want to do - do you think that there is any chance that he might change - and would you want him back if he would/could?

It sounds to me as though things have got really bad for you - dh would never even think of saying anything like that to me - and if he were to ever criticise something I was doing he would know that he would be likely to be handed it to finish himself.

The situation that you have at the moment is not partnership.

Sorry ,was getting dinner.

He has pushed me out of the way before and forced me into a corner or gripped my arms.
it's the standing right in my face and shouting that's scary.

I keep telling myself that the children would be happier in the long run,but it seems so selfish of me.

DH said last week he may have to go to Africa for 3 weeks in April and inside was feeling relieved.
Then he came home the next day and the trip was cancelled,I was so disappointed,says it all really.

He always reminds me that he brings home the money etc.
I think he does resent having to work.

We try an dtalk but he turns everything around to it being my fault and focusing on me being the problem.

I have thought of taping him before but not sure how he would react.

If I read the OP I would probably advise sitting down and talking and the wife telling her husband how it makes her feel when he talks to her like this.

I have in the past written it down in a letter for him but did'nt change a thing.

I can't see things changing tbh and it has been 18 years so the resent is deep rooted.

As for the house it would be very complicated.
In short FIL bought it for us and we pay rent to him.
It is in trust for DS when he is older.

Please don't put up with him dictating to you anymore.

You are the mother of his children and he should worship the ground you walk on just for that.

If you can't leave for you, leave for your children.

Do you want your son growing up to think that this is how relationships work - that you can treat women like this?

I don't believe that you would be breaking the family up - its been well and truely broken already, but not by you. Please don't think that this is your fault - from what you have said it isn't - he is controlling, manipulative and bullying.

He sounds very bitter cos you are a SAHM and he is working and he feels this gives him the right to be controlling cos he "keeps" you, a very 1950's attitude. He sounds like a nasty piece of work TBH. Is it beyond repair, would he consider marriage counselling? If you do take the decision to leave it would be wise to go and seek advice before you do from solicitors etc so you know where you stand legally.

How does he think he's going to take control of the children if he can't even manage buying bread and milk?

All the worries you have about the practical stuff - the money, the housing, etc - honestly, it's SMALL POTATOES, as a sacrifice for being at peace with yourself.

I know I'm coming over as a bit zealous - it's only because I've lived your life. And it's shit.

My ex never laid a finger on me really - like you, a bit of pushing and shoving. But how I felt emotionally was awful. And when I finally sorted it out, it was like I was free - sometimes I actually cried with joy.

Just please, don't feel selfish and guilty. You deserve so much more.

His behaviour is abusive-very much so.

Get help ASAP - from Relate or similar or through your GP. If he won't go with you, go on your own. You need support, no doubt about that.

I grew up in an emotionally abusive household and know how damaging it is-for you and for your children. The longer you stay, the harder it is to get out because his behaviour slowly erodes all your confidence and self esteem. Don't let him do it to you!

Get help so he can realise what he's doing to you all (and his marriage) and make change, or get out. You and your DCs deserve better, much better!

starsandstripes - I work with women who have suffered from domestic abuse and imo this is what you are suffering.

It is very hard to leave. But in 10 years I've yet met a woman who a year later has regretted that decision.

I've seen many children who admittedly do find the inital change difficult but who in the longrun benefit in so many ways;

increased confidence, the girls learn that it isn't right to be treated that way and the boys learn that treating women like that is not acceptable.

I know numerous adults who grew up in abusive homes and the impact can be very longterm.

You will be doing the best thing for your DS. He can still have a relationship with his father, but he can also have a respectful relationship with his mother. No one is ever happy that their parents stayed together for 'the children'. When in a damaging relationship you should leave for the sake of the children.

nobody should spend their lives 'walking on eggshells'.

Go to CAB, also try a solicitor, one that deals in family law. Many offer a free first hour. You maybe entitled to legal aid if you leave as you are not working. Also Women's Aid would be able to offer good advice.

women's aid here

Be strong. Let us know if you have any questions re; housing I may be able to answer

I am so angry on your behalf. The mood I'm in, having read this thread, I could come round right now with a frying pan and sort him out. Does he think he's your bloody boss? And that the problems in your marriage are all down to you? How can you sit and LISTEN to that crap?
OK, your DS might miss him - at first. But there'd be contact. And the benefits would outweigh the drawbacks - if only that he would no longer be witnessing his mother being criticised and undermined at every turn.
So no YANBU!

Your 'D'H sounds just like my XP, starsnstripes. I could almost have written your original post, word for word. I've had the shouting in my face thing. It was horrible, used to reduce me to tears.

You are NOT being selfish. Absolutely not.

What I can tell you is, after leaving XP life is better than it ever has been. It isn't a walk in the park, but I am getting myself back.

And can I just echo other posters - you are NOT doing anything wrong.

By gardeningmum05 on Fri 20-Mar-09 17:10:05
sorry, whats CAB?

CAB= Citizen Advice Bureau (is a charitable orgenisation who help people fr free with problems concerning debt, your rights etc.)

www.citizensadvice.org.uk/

Hmmm! try that again.

CAB

Thanks for all the links.

All the positive stories about life after leaving are really encouraging.
Scares me witless but then so does spending the rest of my life like this.

He came home in a taxi at 8pm and was slamming the oven door because I had left him no dinner.
The times I have cooked for him only to throw it out the next day.
So he slammed around a bit more and came into thr living room where I was watching TV and said
"what shit are you watching now?"

Then he stared at me and gave me this awful hateful stare and has just gone upstairs.

I just hope he has gone to bed and it is'nt one of those nights where he keeps coming down and having a go at me.

and guess what-he did'nt have the bread and milk with him when he came in and am to scared to ask him where it is.