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AIBU?

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Original poster

To ask DH to bring a couple of bits of shopping home?

1004 replies

starsnstripes · 20/03/2009 15:42

Emailed DH to ask if he would bring some milk and bread home on the way back from work as thought I had some in the freezer.

He replied "Yes ok"

Then he sent a seperate e mail titled "Why"

It read
"why are running out of basic items?"

Know that sounds pretty tame but he has been really agrumentive recently and questioning everything I have'nt done or criticising what I have done.

It's just another case of him being verbally abusive and controlling.

OP posts:
GypsyMoth · 20/03/2009 16:16

My ex was similiar to this.....which is why he is my ex! Well me reason anyway. Can you imagine going grey with this man? Kids leaving home, you getting older!?

Sex life? How's that? (sorry, just trying to see what rest of relationship is like!!)

maqrollelgaviero · 20/03/2009 16:16

Why do you bother? He is being downright nasty to you in front of your children. Would you let anyone else in your life speak to you this way?

examtaxi · 20/03/2009 16:22

You poor thing - he sounds very controlling and bullying.

Has he always been like this? Do you think his personality has changed?

Children learn what they see - do you want your son to grow up like him?

Do you want to spend your life with him?

I would give some serious thought to this.

cravingchocolate · 20/03/2009 16:28

starsnstripes - your posts remind me of "this"

But agree with everyone else that this is not nice for him to treat you like this - has he always been this controlling?

Original poster
starsnstripes · 20/03/2009 16:29

He suggested that I go the doctors as I need some hormones or something.

When he says stuff like that I just get a sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach.

I tried talking to him but he sees nothing wrong in it and usually tells me it isme and to sort my shit out.

thanks for the link,will take look.

No,I can't imagine going grey with this man,I can't imagine the next year come to that.

We sleep in seperate beds at the moment.

OP posts:
slug · 20/03/2009 16:30

How do you expect your son to treat women if this is what he sees at home? I know it's a bit dangerous suggesting what I would do, because I'm not in your position and my DH knows better than to behave like that.

The obvious answer to "why do I bother,you are away with the fucking fairies" is "because you like the sound of your own voice" I also wouldn't be as polite as you. I would have silently handed him the pan and walked out of the kitchen if I got a comment like that. If really pushed I would say "I will not be spoken to like that".

If he can piss off to the pub, why can't you? Actually I did that a couple of weekends ago. DH has been going through a phase of going to the pub on both Saturdays and Sundays, rolling home drunk with his BF about dinner time and the two of them sit on the couch getting even more squiffy. (Can I point out the BF bit is not an issue). I got a bit pissed off as I end up doing all the childcare on the weekend as a result. Two weeks ago, the minute he got home, I just walked out the door, without comment, and didn't come home for 3 hours. He had to feed DD, himself and BF, and get DD into bed. I notice that last weekend he went to the pub for two hours only. Point taken

Good luck in whatever you decide to do, but please don't let it carry on like this.

Original poster
starsnstripes · 20/03/2009 16:30

x posts.

"I did'nt do it"

Spot on.

OP posts:
slug · 20/03/2009 16:31

Is there a hormone that allows you to put up with a childish abusive man? Is he medically qualified?

Original poster
starsnstripes · 20/03/2009 16:34

I know it is bad for DS to witness this.

DH gives me funnylooks across the table if I say something to the children to discipline them or will just say leave them they are fine.

Only today after school DS demanded I get him a drink and something to eat now.

OP posts:
BalloonSlayer · 20/03/2009 16:36

How would he react to an email back:

"On second thoughts, don't bother coming home at all."

Would it shock him?

Do you have rows? Do you tell him talking this way is intolerable? Or is it always him being so awful and you just taking it?

Sorry - lots of Qs. (I have sometimes had the fantasy, when someone has been exceptionally rude to me, of saying quietly and politely: "May I ask you a question?" and when they say yes, saying very loudly: "Just who the HELL do you think you are talking to?")

GypsyMoth · 20/03/2009 16:38

At least you realize that this is no way to live your life! If he's been like this all your relationship, then he won't change. Even if he wanted to. Does he ever apologize or make excuses for his behaviour?

SerendipitousHarlot · 20/03/2009 16:38

starsnstripes - please don't put up with that kind of crap, honestly.

If you feel like you want to save your relationship, you need to pluck up the courage to speak to him. Get someone to have your ds for the day. Get him to take the day off work and have it out with him once and for all.

There is no way that anyone should be speaking to you like that, and you don't have to accept it.

slug · 20/03/2009 16:39

Sorry, I'd be into the ever so slightly sarcastic voice at that point. "What's up DH? Have you something gone down the wrong way? Or perhaps you think our children should not be polite at the dinner table?"

ilovesweets · 20/03/2009 16:44

Balloonslayer - ROFL

I have a good few top retorts up my sleeve but that's a jolly good one. Will save and file, thanks!

ilovesweets · 20/03/2009 16:45

(Re "Who the hell do you think you're talking to"

.Although it will not remain a fantasy response for long here in the House of Sweets).

Original poster
starsnstripes · 20/03/2009 16:46

He is not mediacally qualified,but thinks he is!!

Not sure how he would react to that e mail.

I have just got used to it and is par for the course.
We do have rows and he usually starts as soon as the children have gone to bed.
He will come in the kitchen were I am and shut the door and go on and on at me.

Before he has been known in front if the children to say I have'nt finished with you yet will talk to you later.

He used to apoligise about 3 years but does'nt bother anymore.
If he has been drinking he has forgotton what he had said anyway.

I don't think I want to save the marriage now.
All respect and love has gone.

OP posts:
Original poster
starsnstripes · 20/03/2009 16:48

"Who the hell do you think you are talking to"

Have tried something in a similar vein before only to be called something nasty.

OP posts:
Janos · 20/03/2009 16:50

YANBU at all starsnstripes.

What an unpleasant man.

He sounds just like my XP.

SerendipitousHarlot · 20/03/2009 16:52

Well that's the problem starsnstripes. After years of that kind of relationship, all the love and respect wears away, and by the time he realises what he could lose - you're not interested.

Do you realise how much happier and more relaxed you could be if you weren't with him?

I'm not trying to encourage you to finish it - it's just that I have been where you are - I had all that crap, he used to say really dreadful things to me, there was no line that he wouldn't cross.

I was so unhappy, and lost my mojo. But I grew a pair and got rid, after 10 years. Best think I ever did, my only regret is that I wasted all that time.

Please think about how much happier you could be and how your ds is seeing this as an acceptable way to speak to your wife.

Janos · 20/03/2009 16:53

What he is doing to you is emotional abuse startsnstripes and it's completely unacceptable.

I've been through this and I know how much it grinds you down and saps your self confidence, self esteem, everything. You just don't have the emotional energy to fight (I don't literally mean fighting before anyone starts talking about violence) back, even if you used to.

Janos · 20/03/2009 16:54

Actually SH put it much better than I did.

SarahL2 · 20/03/2009 16:55

You need to get out of there starsnstripes

My Mum put up with a similar sort of man for years and years cause she was desperate for us to have 2 parents. I ended up going to uni and never coming back and 3 out of 4 kids ended up in councelling and on antidepressants.

We've all been much happier since he went.

gardeningmum05 · 20/03/2009 17:01

you definately need to talk. could you not go out for a meal, just the 2 of you. if you are in a restaurant/pub with people around you there is less chance of it turning into an arguement.

i really hope you work it out

Original poster
starsnstripes · 20/03/2009 17:02

I did start a thread earlier asking about contacting CAB as did'nt want to use the home phone
I rang them earlier on my mobile and they rang me back and have a phone appointment booked for the beginning of april.

I just wanted to start this thread as was having second thoughts and wanted to hear other peoples responses.to see if I was over reacting in any way.

I know I could be happier without him.
when he has been away on buisness trips I felt so much more alive.
as for the children they missed him,especially DS and can't help thinking DS would hate me for splitting the family up.

Exactly,all my self esteem and confidence has gone and am not the same person I once was.
Family members have commented as much.

OP posts:
dittany · 20/03/2009 17:08

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