Despite the flaming I got earlier I shall say again that I think this is one of the most unbalanced Relationship threads I have ever read.
Not a single post has actually considered what might be going through the man's mind (or his point of view in this relationship)except for friday32 who said right at the start:
"What an unreasonable thing for him to say to you.maybe he has issues at work that is making behave a bit unreasonably ?"
That is exactly what I think is happening and starsandstipes herself admits:
"He is busy at work at the moment but to be honest he has been like this for a while."
Has anyone actually stopped to consider what it feel like for man who is the sole earner in a high pressure job with the kind of global economic downturn we are facing?
The DH is possibly under immense pressure and his behaviour to me speaks of someone living under enormous stress. Rightly or wrongly his logic is that if he is working that hard then surely his wife can remember to get the milk and bread when she puts in the online order and uses his credit card to pay it with. He also logically thinks that making a dental appointment surely cannot be that hard to do. He has stuff he has to do every day that is boring and stressful and he cannot just ring up his wife and dump it on her. He also logically thinks she can surely have a meeting at school on her own because he has meetings all day he has to handle and he does not ring up his wife and ask her to go along.
I am not saying this logic is right and am not saying the OP has to put up with the kind of behaviour she describes but I hope everyone can see the 'male' logic working behind the scenes here as wrong as that logic may be. It seems to me that the OP needs to get her husband to open up to her about the stress he feels rather than just bringing it home and bottling it up to the point he explodes over how she cooks pork chops and is making her life miserable.
For many men, and I do not include myself, the expression of their love for their wife an family is being a good provider. Yes it is a 1950s view of the world and lets face a SAHM lives in a 1950s world as well. Its the 'deal' they make in their marriage. The problem is we do not live in the 1950s - we live in a time where there are not white collar jobs for life and the threat of bonus being slashed, basic pay being slashed or even unemployment hangs over everyone. The truth is that nothing and no one is safe.
In addition, those employees left behind are expected to do the job of 2 people and if they complain they are face the sack. Yes going out for a drink after work is essential because schmoozing with the boss and the big clients reduces your chances of being the next for the chop. Listen to what the OP's DH says, it is his job. Its what keeps him in the job. It is horrible and its degrading but this is the reality of the working life of many professional men right now. I see friends in this position, effectivley grovelling to some head honcho somewhere because of the gut gripping fear that they may lose their job and not be able to pay the mortgage next month. I see the amounts of alcohol they drink to try and relieve the stress. This appears to be happening in the case of the OP's DH as well.
That kind of pressure can turn a normally mild mannered considerate man into a controlling and desperately unhappy one.
If I were the OP I would work hard on finding out what is going on in her DH's life. I suspect she understands very little about what he actually does or the stress in it. I know men who have actually lost their job and could not even tell their wives.
Yes the OP has a right to be respected and not be shouted at but listen to what is being said during those shouting matches, listen to the stress and the fear and there are some messages there about what is causing it. Giving her DH the 'silent treatment' is just telling him to bottle it up even more. There is no one else to talk to than his wife and sometimes its going to come out in a rush with emotion and shouting and irrational logic.
Look at this passage from starsnstripes, it speaks absolute volumes about where her DH is in his mind - he wants to talk but feel she is not listening:
__
He was telling me something last night and I was listening but because I did'nt respond much he said
"why do I bother,you are away with the fucking fairies"
_
I can say with certainty, her DH is not 'enjoying' how he feels. He feels horrible and is desperate to talk but his wife is sleeping in a different bedroom. Why and for how long?
In my view, it is most likely the job that her DH is doing that is the problem - not him. Employers can be extremely abusive to their employees and more especially when they sense an employee is in a vulnerable position.
I have done a job like that and thank goodness I had the sense to walk away. If it comes to it I suggest the OP tells her husband that he can walk away from the job and she will support and love him BUT he also has to stop drinking and change the way he is with her. The way not to resolve this situation is to resort to sort of catty comments others have suggested, isolating him, resorting to petty behaviour and refusing to talk or listen.
[Note to others: yes I have read the entire thread twice - and I do have a right to take a different view and I have just spent an hour doing it and yes I have worked in a job like the DH here and I have also been a SAHD].