To ask DH to bring a couple of bits of shopping home?

[starsnstripes]

Emailed DH to ask if he would bring some milk and bread home on the way back from work as thought I had some in the freezer.

He replied "Yes ok"

Then he sent a seperate e mail titled "Why"

It read
"why are running out of basic items?"

Know that sounds pretty tame but he has been really agrumentive recently and questioning everything I have'nt done or criticising what I have done.

It's just another case of him being verbally abusive and controlling.

Oh shit starsnstripes he sounds like my ex P, I kicked him out on new years day for being a 5 star bastard. We had been to relate but he was unable to change. I wouldn't spend another second in your relationship if I was you. I think men like yours and my ex P are probably stuck like it and it's not worth banging your head against a brick wall being belittled and critised for the rest of your life. I can't post much now as I have so much to do but will try and check back later.

Why does a thread about a little arguement over bread and milk on MN always seem to turn into a thread about controlling and manipulative men who should be physically assaulted or divorced.

The other thread on MN about women giving their husbands lists of tasks today is quite a light hearted one [http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/724260-Am-I-being-a-control-freak-or-is-this-a here]] but it is still about manipulation and control. No one suggested divorce though as I recall.

A sense of proportion and even handedness anyone?

This isn't 'just' a thread about not bringing home bread and milk. It's about a nasty controlling man who is treating his wife like dirt and has no respect for her.

IME I think everyone has got a pretty good sense of perspective about it.

Stars - why on earth should you have had to ask him where the bread and the milk were?

If I were in your shoes I would not worry about the bread and milk tomorrow - when the children ask you about where the bread / milk is - say that their father didn't pick it up. When dh (or not so dh) has a strop about it, I would say that you had asked him to get it and if he didn't bother then it is his fault that there is no bread and milk.

What you are experiencing is not normal.

ABeta Dad - don't confuse someone who is clearly suffering from a dh who is a bully and controlling to someone writing a list of things that it would be helpful for their dh to help out with (or reasonable to expect their dh to help out with). BTW I speak from experience - I've been the main carer - but currently I'm the only wage earner - I don't expect dh to do everything with ds - I probably more than half of the care 'out' of work hours - and we run the house jointly.

I left my husband a year ago over behaviour so similar to what you describe - it made me cry to read it.

I am a different person now, I feel younger, so much happier, like the person I am meant to be. It has been tough for the children but they are fine, they are happy and still have a good relationship with their dad. I sometimes feel guilty when they miss him but I know that what they were learning about 'acceptable' ways of communicating was so bad. They were also often upset by seeing and hearing things that they really shouldn't (not awful violence but verbal and physical agression).

Just wanted to send my hugs. I hope that you don't have to go through this much longer as it leaves you feeling less than human

I think the bread and milk e mail as silly as it may sound was the final straw.
That he could actually get to me through an e mail as well about something so trivial,not much hope really is there?

I don't want to spend the rest of my life like this.
I am 42,my mum died aged 60 after 44 years of marriage,she had a happy marriage.
My dad died aged 69 ,he only lasted 4 years after she died,he was never the same again.
That was love.

I do everything where the children are concerned.
All be it wrongly according to H.

I want to feel human again.

i read things on mumsnet from other couples and think can it really be like that.

I am tired of keeping it all together when all I want to do is run and hide somewhere and break down.

Stars - sorry that you're having to go through this. Its not something that you sign up to when you go through your wedding vows.

I'm picking up ds from school and going home and handing over to dh while I do some more work at home. However, this week I think I've done 3 bathtimes - and tonight I went up half way through bathtime and took over before there was a full-scale meltdown. However isn't doing bathtime sorts out supper for the two of us. As I'm getting up with ds every morning during the week and dh doesn't get up straight away at the moment as he doesn't need to leave the house early, I get to have a lie-in BOTH days at the weekend (although I do end up having to wake dh up to take over as he's a bit of a heavy sleeper! )

Oh starsnstripes

Have you got anyone close that you could turn to for a bit of support?

You can feel human again. Empower yourself and you will feel amazing.

And it can be like that. I'm married to the loveliest man, and I'm so lucky. You're only 42, you have so much time to enjoy yet.

I am in tears now thinking maybe there is more for me.
I thought this was it.

There are men out there who treat you right,maybe one day I will find one.

I have a sister and a niece who I have started to open up to and they would support me if I needed it.

Yeah, you thought that was it because that's how he makes you feel.

Mine used to say that nobody else would want me, and that I was lucky to have him

Well I soon proved the fucker wrong

Maybe I will be as lucky one day.

It just seems a long way off and have loads of scary stuff to get through before that happens.

stars if you have got family who can support you then talk to them tomorrow. Maybe your DH would try relate, but if he won't even consider it then you probably haven't got much to lose by separating (even if it's temporary and he comes to his senses). The current situation is not doing anyone any good . With my familys support my break up hasn't been too awful so far, although the house is mine so I am lucky and me and the DC's can stay put. But it's bliss knowing I won't get yelled at anymore. I've got my spark back too.

Ex P is still an idiot, he refused to pick up calpol for the DC's the other week despite walking through the town centre on the way to see them.

I am not even sure I want to try relate.
It has gone too far for that.

As for the house it is a worry as my family would'nt be able to put me up .
But people get divorced all the time and I suspose there is a way out somehow.

There'll be a way to get through it somehow . And if your DH has been like it for years then he probably wouldn't be able to change.

It will be bloody hard work, but I bet you find a weight has been lifted off your shoulders once you have some control again.

Starsnstripes, I didn't want to read and run, I am from the other side as it were. My dp is lovely. You deserve the same. Your husband -(can't use dh on this one, possibly BH needs to be added to the abbreviations!)has come close to making you doubt yourself - please don't. The fact that you are on here talking about the future and the route to take to get to where you want to be tells me you are a very intelligent, competant woman and mother too. Don't let yourself be undermined.

Has your BH always bunked off to the pub like this or is this a recent change?

sending virtual hugs.......

I am starting to feel positive about the future all ready.
Will keep re reading the posts on here to support me and help me through it.
There has been some great advice written.

He has always bunked off to the pub when the going gets tough.
Don't know how I have stood it for so long.

xx

ABetaDad -

Haven't you taken time to read any of the posts on here? It's not 'just' about the 'silly' email.

Thanks for all your replies,they have helped a lot.

This morning he has got up and is complaining about finding socks.
Now he has gone out to collect the car which he left at the pub last night.
He is going to get the bread and milk and I dared asked if he would pick up a few other things I needed.
His response

"So I have to spend my day shopping then,it's just the tip of the iceberg really is'nt it"

What he meant by that I don't know.

ABetaDad - I'm surprised that after reading all these posts, and those from the OP in particular, that you think this is about picking up bread and milk.

It's plain to see that her starsnstripes' h is a bully and making her life miserable.

You should have given him a list a mile long and kept him out of the house all day!

I hope you find a way to sort this out one way or another. You deserve better than this xx

He's clearly spoiling for a fight, isn't he? Not sure it's the best idea to give him one, although I think you could be defending your position by asserting yourself. How dare he imply that you only watch 'shit' on the TV, and that you're making a hash of running the house if he has to pick up the pieces all the time. He is treating you with a complete lack of respect and you need to start demanding it. He lives in the house too and you are not his servant.

Starsnstripes, I have been through similar and even worse, and left to make a much better life for myself. It was the best thing I ever did. I have an amazing DH now who would do anything for me.

You sound like a strong woman, together enough to organise proper advice for herself, so I have every confidence in you sorting your life out and moving onwards to something more positive. You deserve it.