in thinking that children are *almost* always better off if their parents stay together?

[Fleetingglimpse]

Apologies for the name change but I need to ensure anonymity.

Are there any studies that show whether a child is better off if their parents make a huge effort to stay together despite major issues?

If the parents can manage to hide it from the children is it better for the parents to sacrifice their happiness for the childrens?

I have always thought this to be the case but now am faced with actually having the issue in my life.
I will stay with my dh if I know it is the best for my children.

It would make things easier if there was a definitive answer to these questions. I am guessing there isn't so any opinions or experience would be gladly received.

I don't know of any studies, but my own very heartfelt wish as a child was that my parents would split up and never ever be in the same room as one another again.

They didn't finally divorce until I was about 20. They should have done so years before.

I think there is no substitute for a happy mother/father and a peaceful home. By whatever means necessary xx

god no

Surely its impossible for the unhappiness to be hidden, while i think 2 parents is ideal, 2 parents separated but happy parents has got to be better for the kids?

no personal experience and i'm sorry you're having to go through this.

DH and i have agreed that if we ever did split that things would have to remain amicable and civil for the kids sake, and I truely hope that would be the case.

I think a happy parent makes a good parent. An unhappy parent will really struggle to provide a nurturing, happy environment for their child. I don't think the sort of deep unhappiness that a bad marriage brings can be hidden from a child.

hell no
happy children is not always = to mum + dad together.

I don't think you can hide genuine unhappiness from your children. They will know.

I think some parents are better off separated.

my parents should have split up when I was a child

hanging on to a dead marriage for the sake of the children is not the right thing to do

it exposes them to a lot of negative reinforcement about how to conduct a lawed relationship, even if you think you are shielding them from it, you are not

The thing is - even if the research tells you X it still won't be the definitive answer for your situation. No-one can provide that.

All I can tell you is that my parents separated (twice in fact) and my childhood was idyllic AFTER they separated. Beforehand I knew they were unhappy although they never argued or shared a cross word.

Children see much more than adults credit so I doubt parents ever really manage to hide it from the children although they probably think they do (my parents certainly thought it would be a shock for us when they told us they were separating but I had known for years it was on the cards).

Your children deserve a happy childhood at the centre of your lives and parents who have a good working relationship - and that's plenty. I think most splits are made painful for the children by parents focussing on their animosity, or their new partner/step children or whatever. If your children feel loved and important to you at all times then that's the main thing.

children KNOW even if the parents "think" they're hiding it from the children.

I, like threadworm, wished my parents had split up, they never did and are still in a crap relationship now 37 years after marrying. Niether of them particularly happy.

My instinct tells me that it is virtually impossible to hide real unhappiness, and that children need unity and consistency - hard to provide if you are not getting on as a couple. Conversly, they thrive with happy fufilled parent/s

What you have to hope is that if you are going to split up, that it is after you have both done your utmost to avoid it, and that you can put them first in the process if you do split up. Sadly, i think this scenario is a bit idealistic.

I'm wondering if teenagers in single parent situations have fantasies about the absent parent being wonderful. And if those whose parents stayed together now say it'd have been better if they'd split up, how do they know that?

I was ecstatic when my parents split up, and they definatly should have done it sooner.

I also think my own children are happier now me and xp have sperated than they would have been if we were still together.

puffling - not in my experience

What I meant to say is, not impossible

Speaking from my own childhood experiences I do not think that this is true. I cannot remember when I did not know that my parents were unhappily married and the knowledge was a blight. If I had thought they stayed together for their children's sake (that was only partly the reason- property and what-everyone-will-think was another part) it would have been a double blight.

Fleetingglimpse. I wish i know that too. If i could see into my child's future with either scenario, I would choose the one that made her happier. How desperately unhappy are you together and what effect is it having?

What Threadworm says is exactly my experience. I have no idea how I would have felt had my parents split when I was 6 like they should have - it would have been different, it may have been worse. I just don't know.

well there is a halfway house between what you describe Puffling.

My parents were separated but I never felt like the child of a single-parent family, I had two parents, they just didn't live together. So I never fantasised about either of them being ideal, they were both there being (frequently) bloody annoying and I loved them both dearly.

knew not know

The thing is, if I put my own feelings on hold I really could make dh and my dc's happy.

Dh hasn't changed since I have married him, but I have realised I don't want to be treated the way I am for the rest of my life.
I want to be respected and be in a respectful relationship.

But my dc's are of absolute importance and I want them to be happy and secure no matter wwhat.