in thinking that children are *almost* always better off if their parents stay together?

[Fleetingglimpse]

Apologies for the name change but I need to ensure anonymity.

Are there any studies that show whether a child is better off if their parents make a huge effort to stay together despite major issues?

If the parents can manage to hide it from the children is it better for the parents to sacrifice their happiness for the childrens?

I have always thought this to be the case but now am faced with actually having the issue in my life.
I will stay with my dh if I know it is the best for my children.

It would make things easier if there was a definitive answer to these questions. I am guessing there isn't so any opinions or experience would be gladly received.

i'm sorry to hear that FAQ, but you know me by now...my posts are always like a kick in the balls...(i don't do the stroking the head type posts)....i just think there usually is a dominant partner...

he isn't that much of a push over btw, he would never vote tory, (thank god) never support anyone but chelsea, he would be the last person on the picket line (arthur scargill is his hero) ..he's strong, he just lets me do all the "fluffy" stuff as he calls it.

sorry still don't think it's healthy - it wears the subversient partner down eventually - and doesn't make for a comfortable happy home for children to live in.

Daftpunk and laweaselmys, what you are describing isn't a million miles away from my relationship, except I hate it.

If we had more equal roles I am sure we would have more respect for each other.

Our relationship has always been this way - we've been together 14 years. It didn't used to bother me but now it does. I think as I have got older I have changed and he hasn't.

Thank you all so much for sharing your thoughts with me. It has given me lots to think about.

my kid's are growing up seeing the woman making alot of the major decisions..i think that's refreshing.

they're also growing up seeing that it's ok for one partner to make all the decisions and the other just to put up with it.......

that's life FAQ

yes - it's a great life for the one who gets their own way all the time, and a shit one for the person that doesn't.

put the shoe on the other foot - how would you feel if he was making all the decisions?

some people actually like having decisions made for them...takes some pressure off ...have you never thought of it that way?

return to passive aggressive comment?

i couldn't handle that tbh...but he can.

yes and they usually "like" it because they're lacking confidence and self esteem and don't believe they're capable of making decisions.

What will you do if you children grow up to be the ones to lie down and be walked over - if they get a partner that's more assertive for them.

you think he can.........

Or FAQ that they're too lazy and noncommital to make a decision on their own...

actually FAQ...with a man i think it's slightly different....he doesn't mind me making all the decisions because he is strong and confident...he doesn't need to throw his weight around the house, he loves and respects me....im my experience only wankers try and control women.

Isn't there a middle ground between domination and submission called cooperation??? Or am I talking to myself???

im sure there is tattifer, but ive no experience of it

thank you harleyd!

Getting back to topic, there are obviously some circumstances that really make staying together impossible and inadvisable (safety of children/mother/father etc). But if a relationship is still growing and a couple is still at the start of the learning curve it may well be worth sticking together, possibly with the help of neutral advice - Relate for example. Compromise and cooperation are not always the easiest of skills to learn.

tattifer...of course we co-operate...we're not living in a torture chamber..why do you keep using words like submission??

daftpunk sounds like you and your dh have found a happy lifestyle that suits you both.

Every relationship is obviously different. Some very intelligent successful women I know actually love being dominated in their relationship.

I don't like it and don't want to be either role.

From one persons viewpoint, giving in to someone else's opinion/decision/control is submission. From another persons viewpoint, and thank the wotsit, there are many different viewpoints in the world, not least on this forum, letting someone else do all the hard work of taking responsibility for decisions/actions/choices is relaxing. To someone else it could be copping out.
Hence (and I expect that these are the words "like" submission you were referring to) passive aggressive. A person will never be blamed if they never make a decision and will exploit that endlessly - to the exhaustion of the decision maker in the relationship!

some will, not all. horses for courses!

do you know whats worse than being dominant or submissive (which i do believe most people to an extent do have one of these roles)..is being nothing
and that makes no sense to annyone but me, so i shall go put the kettle on

i'm really sorry you're having problems fleet.

our marriage works for us...it wouldn't work for alot of people..but hey..

i would advise you to stay in the marriage...i'm not sure what is actually going wrong for you atm, but most things can be worked out...hang on in there

Oh harleyd, hope you don't have a significant nothing in your life - i had one once - very frustrating, and lonely