in thinking that children are *almost* always better off if their parents stay together?

[Fleetingglimpse]

Apologies for the name change but I need to ensure anonymity.

Are there any studies that show whether a child is better off if their parents make a huge effort to stay together despite major issues?

If the parents can manage to hide it from the children is it better for the parents to sacrifice their happiness for the childrens?

I have always thought this to be the case but now am faced with actually having the issue in my life.
I will stay with my dh if I know it is the best for my children.

It would make things easier if there was a definitive answer to these questions. I am guessing there isn't so any opinions or experience would be gladly received.

and I have to say - going on DS2's parents evening yesterday (he's 5, in Reception) damn if we'd stayed together and it was true that he would be better off that way - bloody hell I'd be shouting from the top of the Empire State building about how well he's doing, how happy and confident, and popular he is.

As it is I'm just making do with my rooftop as he's not doing quite so well with his writing

there are day's i could happily kill dh..and he prob feels the same about me...he's told me he would only leave me for two women (liz hurley or kate bush)..i've told him he doesn't stand a chance with either of them..so he stays....we don't argue really, he does what he's told.

No. I don't agree.

Children suffer from the dysfunctional relationship and/or relationship breakdown of their parents, not (necessarily) from a civilised separation and divorce.

Hiding issues and staying together "for the sake of the children" only models dysfunctional relationships and harms children further.

The best family for bringing up children is a harmonious, functional one - whether or not the children live with one or both of their biological parents.

there has to be someone in charge...i don't believe in all this "equal" stuff, someone always has to back down or it's war all the time.

no - no-one has to back down - you reach comromises, but if someone is backing down, more often than not it's the same person in the relationshion always having to back down, and that doesn't make for a happy relationship.

Crikey. "Someone in charge"?

There are two of you with voting rights. Marriage is a democracy these days.

ykwim...i couldn't live with a pita who constantly questioned my decisions...

my parents split when i was 13 my sisters were 11,4 and 3.we were obviously all upset but now agree that we were much happier with 2 seperated but happy parents.but we did have a very happy if odd childhood.

im a fine one to talk though...i ve done the 'for the children thing'much to disgust of other mners that i had support from

daftpunk isn't the idea of marriage about a meeting of minds (not just bodies) so perhaps "my" decisions are "our" decisions.

A compromise doesn't mean one person choosing to give in, it means meeting somewhere in the middle.

Disagreements in marriage don't have to be arguments. There's nothing wrong with disagreements, and showing your kids how you resolve them without one person just backing down/much yelling etc is a great example to set them.

so it's ok for them to have to constantly back down and feel like shit because they feel they have no say???

well...i decided what house to buy, i decided on the area, i decided all the dc names, i decide where we go on holiday...the list is endless...he is very happy.

I'm sure that's not what laweaselmys just said. It's about that c word again - compromise - not the four letter one!

But what message does that send your kids Daftpunk?

I'm inclined to think that parents should try to stay together, but I don't know if I'm right or wrong.

My parents argued constantly when I was growing up, and Dad had a (brief) affair when I was 17. They worked through everything and are now v happy and I love having them together.

However, I've definitely inherited a legacy of being a bit bonkers in relationships; I argue too much, and am something of a commitmentphobe. Gosh - I sound like the poster child for divorce, don't I?!

I'd rather work things out - but really, really work things out, not slap plaster over the cracks but really root around in there and fix things (which my parents didn't do till after Dad chated) - than split. But again, I don't know if that's right or wrong.

Bet you're so glad I chimed in!

If my parents had split up when I was a baby, and my father had never entered the family home again, I think I and my siblings would not have been utter fruitcakes until our late 20s. I suppose we might have led far more boring lives however. I do think my parents should have split up though, and really don't think them "staying together" was beneficial. God forbid that my father should have been around any more than he was- which was usually about one or two weekends a month; he "worked away" throughout my childhood (his way of avoiding ever immersing himself in family life).

(I'm assuming FAQ was talking to daftpunk - 'cos I don't think I phrased my post THAT badly!! I was indeed saying compromise is awesome)

manipulating, sorry, allowing, someone else to make all the decisions - isn't that we call passive aggressive

have not read the thread but based on the title - my parent are splitting up after 28 years - they should have done it years and years ago.

my kid's don't know laweaselmys...but i'm sure they're aware i get my own way alot ??...is that a bad thing?

Obviously it's up to you and your DP/H.

Just seems like you're giving them a very unbalanced picture of adult relationships. That the only role is either to be in total control or have none at all and that you should be happy with either? I guess if it was me I'd worry about my kids feeling like they had to be happy and stay in a subservient relationship whether they really were or not, I'd worry they were vulnerable to abuse because of it.

I guess I say this because I could easily totally dominate my DP! He does tend to just go with the flow and whatever I want is fine. I don't let him and make him engage in our decisions because I don't want to give that example to our DC and once he's had some responsibility for the decision (gone and done some research or something) he ends up with an opinion which can be a better option than mine... even if he would be just as happy to not have a say I'd rather be part of a balanced relationship.

laweaselmys And I bet you're all the happier for it!

laweaselmys And I bet you're all the happier for it!

daftpunk - my DH said I was very happy too - and from the outside it looked like I was. In actual fact constantly being batted down in decision making basically being walked over was making me extremely unhappy - but I hid it - to try to protect the children - of course it didn't work - they picked up on it regardless.

sorry, double posting, laptop gone mad!