in thinking that children are *almost* always better off if their parents stay together?

[Fleetingglimpse]

Apologies for the name change but I need to ensure anonymity.

Are there any studies that show whether a child is better off if their parents make a huge effort to stay together despite major issues?

If the parents can manage to hide it from the children is it better for the parents to sacrifice their happiness for the childrens?

I have always thought this to be the case but now am faced with actually having the issue in my life.
I will stay with my dh if I know it is the best for my children.

It would make things easier if there was a definitive answer to these questions. I am guessing there isn't so any opinions or experience would be gladly received.

i did, but i dont now
im grand

harleyd good for you got rid of mine as well. Now happily married to caring sharing family man. I make the cakes, he eats them - and we both wear the trousers - his jeans actually, they're more comfy than mine!

Fleeting - glad it helped. Good luck with whatever you decide.

Only in the really drastic situation , eg a truly abusive persistent spouse should the split be encouraged. In other circumstances every possible effort should be made to overcome difficulty, ride the crisis and stay. I don't advocate to stay for the sake of the children and be miserable but to put up a great fight to rebuild happiness.
I reached crisis points in my life when the split was sooo tempting or indeed a seemingly reasonable idea ( I DESPERATLY wanted to go back to my home country which was impossible for my husband) but with the love I have for my boys it was breaking my heart to condemn them to the future of a broken home , so I rode the waves. I'm so glad ! We're very happy now. The boys are fantastically happy, very well adjusted teenagers, doing well at school and I do credit the happy home life for this. The love and respect they have for their dad in daily life melts my heart ( sorry if it sounds too cheesy but it really is as I write, can't express it in other words).
Of course, like I said at the beginning, it is only possible if both parents are generally 'good' people facing a marriage/partnership crisis for whatever reason. In case of having misfortune of 'dad' being an abusive gambling alcoholic or similar, choice is not your option, for the sake of your children, split.

That is interesting whitecoffee.

DH is not abusive. We did love each other once. I hope we have a happy ending like you.

Whoever asked - yes DP and I are both happier now that he has more 'say' and he tries to boss me around now, lol. We make decisions together (even silly ones like what to eat, which before he struggled a bit with - I really have no idea why) and we're both more confident and outgoing now.

There are studies which say that children from 'broken homes' statistically do worse, but I don't agree with that conclusion.

I think it's far more honest to say that the kind of people who are statistically more likely to have kids then split up are more likely to be crap parents anyway.

I'm the product of divorced parents and I had four wonderful, encouraging and engaged parents instead of two.

If you're good parents then number is irrelevant imo.

As I have said elsewhere, you don't see Prince William vandalising bus shelters and sniffing glue. It's how you were brought up that counts, not how long your parents stuck together.

Ok fair enough but you get my general point!

I am not sure children really care if their parents are happy or not (quite rightly) just as long as they are not being argued in front of or used as pawns.

katiestar - I don't think that's true. I think most children are desperate for their parents to be happy - or at least for them not to be unhappy.

They may not have the same understanding of what makes adults happy or unhappy and they may construe things in odd ways that don't make sense to adults - but they can pick up their parents' mood from a very early age.

Almost always better off? I don't think there are any statistical levels you can really apply, there are so many variables in this sort of situation.

My parents divorcing after 34 years was a huge relief in some ways, their marriage had become totally unworkable and frankly I'm not sure how anyone could actually live with my father and come out sane. However, I do think that if they'd had some serious help much, much earlier (like about 1964 or even better, 1958) and done some serious talking, it is even possible they might have changed how they related to each other and how they lived their lives and we could all have had a happier time.

I also think that there is one stage when parents split up... and another sometimes comes along when parents have other partners. That can be brilliant, but an awful lot of times it is not, especially if the person getting a new partner has not really sorted out what happened in the first relationship.

TBH it sounds to me as if it might possibly be worth having another go at your relationship, with support. But I'm not living your life.

"I'm the product of divorced parents and I had four wonderful, encouraging and engaged parents instead of two."

MorrisZapp - that is such a fantastic post and so encouraging to a stepmother (like me)

It depends what the major issues are.

It is true, that your children continue to nourish the hope that their parents will get back together.

But it's also true, that the children suffer a LOT more than you realise at the time, from violence or drunkenness.
My children only opened up to me after the split, about how bad their own lives had been with their father. And I had stayed with him for ages, because I thought they needed their father there!