in thinking that children are *almost* always better off if their parents stay together?

[Fleetingglimpse]

Apologies for the name change but I need to ensure anonymity.

Are there any studies that show whether a child is better off if their parents make a huge effort to stay together despite major issues?

If the parents can manage to hide it from the children is it better for the parents to sacrifice their happiness for the childrens?

I have always thought this to be the case but now am faced with actually having the issue in my life.
I will stay with my dh if I know it is the best for my children.

It would make things easier if there was a definitive answer to these questions. I am guessing there isn't so any opinions or experience would be gladly received.

parents can never successfully hide it from teh children.

it is very rarely better to stay together for the kids.

it is far better for all concerned to have two seperate but happy parents that a couple of miserable ones.

It was a huge relief when my parents split up. The endless rows and the sheer hatred each had for the other were horrible.

If they'd stayed together, undoubtedly we'd all be financially better off. But it would have destroyed them and us children too, probably.

Hmmm.... circumstances are obviously different for everyone, but I'm going against the grain and am going to say that I think two parents plus children actually IS a formula that works.

If there are troubles, but everyone tries to work them out, surely that's a good thing.

I've read lots of things by therapists who say that couples that come out the other side are stronger/happier, and that divorcees sometimes admit that if they'd known what it would be like to be on their own, they would have worked harder at marriage.

None of this goes where there is abuse/addiction, though.

Just my two pence worth.

I remember once reading a post by a v wise mnetter - sorry can't remember who! - which said something like how do children learn what a happy, loving, caring, relationship between 2 adults is if that isnt what their parents have? She put it much better than me though, but that was kind of the gist of it.

If you're just staying together for the children they will know. And I don't think living in a strained atmosphere - which it will be, even if both parents think they are being civil & 'normal' to each other.

My DS (who was 7 at the time) said to me after I split up with his dad & I asked him how he felt ' why would people stay together if they're not happy? you just get over it and find someone else who makes you happy, just like when I fall out with my friends at school'

My parents were apart from before I can remember. I have no sense of it being odd. It was just life. I loved going round to my dad's to watch the telly and eat the sweets we weren't allowed at home!

SO to summarise

staying together for the sake of the kids might not be the best.

Working through marriage problems is constructive, good, and might work.

There is a really interesting book called, 'Parenting: what really counts?' by Susan Golombok, who's head of the family research centre at Cambridge Uni. It's only 100 pages long, but it summarises (really accessibly) all the research evidence over questions like: number of parents - one versus two? Fathers: present or not? Parents' sexual orientation? etc.

I can't remember the precise answer to your question, but I think it goes something like this: it depends! Children undoubtedly are damaged by divorce, but they are also damaged by conflict and hostility in the home. Though children have raised rates of psychological distress after parental break-up, this settles back down to normal (in girls quicker than boys) provided the divorce is fairly amicable. Where divorce extends and accentuates conflict, it continues to damage children. Anyway, that's just my memory of what it says: do check in the book, it's really useful and goes through all kinds of different scenarios.

One really interesting point I do remember is that children's longer-term wellbeing after divorce is critically dependent on the mother's psychological state. If she is able to be calm, supportive and loving to her children through this difficult time, they'll probably be ok. If she is highly distressed and not coping, their outcomes will be worse. Obvious when you think about it, but I've never heard of supporting mothers through divorce as a public policy proposal - it should be.

So sorry you are going through this. Hope you find the right way through.

FG, do you think your dhildren will stay happy if they see a parent who is not being respected or in a respectful relationship?

x-posts - my summary was of MY enormous essay!

I don't think it will make your children happy if you stay in relationship where you are not treated with respect. They learn from what they live and will grow up thinking your relationship is the model - even if consciously they realise treating people in a certain way is not right, it will be their default setting.

If your husband is undermining you, insulting you or treating you like a doormat, that is the way a ds will tend to act towards his future partner and the way a dd will think she should be treated.

they will be happy and secure - marriage doesn't make children happy and secure, the knowledge that they are loved and safe is what makes them happy and secure.

Sadly splits often result in external factors like financial insecurity or loss of contact with one parent or another - but personally I think that's a separate issue if you see what I mean.

Your comment "I want to be respected and be in a respectful relationship" makes me feel very sad - your children will be absorbing the fact that you are NOT respected, and projecting that onto their own ideas of marriage. Do you want them to believe that is what marriage is about?

I agree 100 % with buttercup

i think common sense must tell you that a good parent is a good parent whatever the relationship status.

i can only imagine that years of bubbling dislike and hatred for the other parent cannot be good for the kids no matter how hard you try to hide it.

i think it boils down to this. if you are happy contented person - they are more likley to be happy contented people.

children learn from what they are shown. don't show them a bad example for their future relationships, don't show them that they should take any amount of crap and shit from another person. show your sons or daughters that you have self worth and pride and that a human being deserves respect.

shineoncrazydiamond - can you really not see why some parents would sacrifice their own happiness if it meant their children would be happy?? I am suprised. I totally agree though that it's not the answer (to stay together for the kids).

However, OP, children understand so much more than we give them credit for, they feel so much more of the 'vibe' than we give them credit for. One thing that stuck in my mind was a little boy saying that although his Mum smiled a lot, he knew she wasn't happy because it didn't reach her eyes so it wasn't a proper smile. Children are much better at reading the 'whole' picture than adults. I think children see what is there, adults see what they want to see.

The best thing you can do for your kids is to try to do it all amicably and stay friendly (not necessarily friends, but friendly).

What edam said.

Also, there are 'major issues'?

Erm, no.

My ex h's dad was a serial philanderer. Of course, he and their mother thought they'd hidden it well.

They didn't.

My ex h seethed with hidden hatred for his father, because his mother stayed with him and loved him till the day she died of cancer.

But the day of her funeral was the last time both the ex and his brother ever spoke to their father because he'd made their mother, and them, so miserable.

buttercup

hester is that if the children are left with the mother?

sorry - think what I should also have said in my first paragraph - I knew I'd get it wrong trying to paraphrase someone more eloquent than me! - is that an uncaring, unhappy relationship between 2 parents is not good for children to see, or to grow up understanding is the norm. Better to be 2 lone parents (or 1 or both eventually having the happy relationship with new partners).

OP, can you say what you think your children see at home when they see you with DH?

Also, what have you tried so far to change things? Does DH know that it has come to this?

err... can't really see what's so shocking about buttercup's post

one parent families can work well also

It depends on what these 'major issues' are, OP.

One parent families can absolutely work well, especially if a person is leaving behind a relationship where any type of abuse has been occuring.

My SIL left an abusive relationship and she's definitely better off and her kids are, too! They had to walk on eggshells around their dad. They can't stand him.

He's a loser who beat up his partner, what's to like?

I don't think buttercup denied that, notanotter.

In most cases children would choose to live with both their parents. Trying to find a way to achieve that is a good thing IMO. Obv if the issues are insurmountable then it is better to split up.

my parents split and i was lest with an abusive father

mother was too pissed to notice ( she never saw us anyway)

still glad they split up

dp and i both glad our parents split

tumbleweed!

as you were