To expect a mother not to cry because her daughter isn't invited to a party?

[RockinSockBunnies]

This is my first AIBU post, so go easy with me

It's DD's 8th birthday this weekend. For all her parties in the past, we've always invited the whole class (all 30) and had some form of entertainment.

This year, though, since they're all getting so much bigger and have their own group of friends, I specified to DD that she could invite 5 other children for a day out (at an attraction in London).

Deciding on who was to be invited was fairly fraught. In the end, she chose 5 girls in her class. One girl, who she's friendly with and who had invited DD to her party was not included on the list. TBH, I was fairly glad as she can be quite a handful and I didn't relish travelling across London on public transport with her (she tends to swing from the Tube hand rails and clamber over seats and won't sit down if you tell her to).

So, invites went out circumspectly. I asked DD not to mention it to this child.

Today, saw the child and her mother. Mother was very 'off' with me, wouldn't talk to me. I asked a mutual friend if the other mother knew about the party - apparently yes, someone had mentioned it.

So, thought I'd try and clear the air. I apologised that to her that her DD wasn't invited, expressed that it was a pity that DD hadn't chosen her but that she could only have 5 people. The other mother starts crying, muttering under her breath and shaking her head at me.

Now, maybe she'd been having a bad day and I know it's not nice if your child isn't invited to a party. But is it really such a major issue? Aren't there bigger things to worry about?

Clearly the issue is now doing the rounds in the playground and I will no doubt be ostracised in some way. But it's a kid's party! Get over it!

there must be more to it

to some people its all important

its a mine field to be sure. i never did parties on any scale - it was 2 friends for tea.

She cant have been crying over an 8 year olds party. Theres gotta be something else to it.
What did you do when she started crying? Did you ask her what was wrong and if she is ok?
Sounds like she must have something bad going on to get so upset at the school gates. Poor woman

i mean for her to cry about it

agree with ruby slippers

not a lot you can do in which case. maybe invite her dd round for a normal play after school and have cake??

I very much doubt she is crying just because her child hasn't been invited. How about being a friend instead of a gossip?

A bit of an over reaction.
Maybe she has other ishoos?

A bit of an over reaction.
Maybe she has other ishoos?

and in answer to your question yanbu, how were you to know it was a bigger deal for her than you thought it was

i would make an effort with her next time you see her tho

I think she may have been tired, she'd been at work. But before I spoke to her she'd been ok - smiling and talking to other people.

Her DD's party at the beginning of the year was a fairly big event and she really pushed the boat out. My DD went and enjoyed it, but it's just not possible to invite everyone who has invited DD to their party. Hence why I specified just 5 children.

The venue we were at this evening was fairly crowded and noisy, so after she welled up I said sorry again, felt awkward and went to find DD .

I probably should have tried to stick around and see if she was ok, but there wasn't much I could say, other than sorry DD hasn't invited your DD to her party....

honestly if someone cried like this in front of me i would ask them waht the matter was

i couldn't just leave it

It is a big mistake to allow children free reign on who they invite.
Girls that age can be complete bi*ches.They can leave a best friend off the list just out of spite and it is very hurtful.

Maybe the fact that she's a bit of a handful, as you say, means she's beginning to be excluded from other events. The mum may just be starting to realise this.

YABU poor woman, I'm sure there may be something more to it for her to get so upset. Maybe her DD has been really upset about it at home, it's really difficult when you think that your child is being excluded. I must confess that whenever my DD is upset about something I can put myself right back to when I was her age and remember how it felt - it makes me a bit emotional. Don't be so harsh.

Message withdrawn

Well, I wanted to try and balance both DD's wishes as well as parents' expectations. I told DD to give the list some thought - we discussed it for ages and I vetted final list before saying ok.

I appreciate girls can be horribly bitchy. But this area is such a minefield, especially at this age. They all fall out with each other and make up again on a daily basis.

I suspect there was probably more to it.

If you have a child who is rarely invited anywhere then yes it can seem like a big deal when you find out that they've been left out yet again.

Whatever the reason I would try to show some empathy for the poor woman rather than thinking "Get over it!"

Im having a shit day and quite frankly if someone asked me the time i would burst into tears.

You dont know whats going on in her life

Maybe she had a really crap day and it was the icing on the cake, (so to speak) or maybe it was the zillionth time her dd had been left out of others parties, or maybe she knew her dd's behaviour was the reason why, poor thing.

I know it's difficult choosing, but there could be all this other stuff going on.

Maybe her DD was upset. Maybe she knows her DD can be a handful and suspects that is why her DD wasn't invited. You know what girls can be like - maybe some of the other invitees were rubbing her DD's nose in it about being invited.

It's easy to make light of how girls behave at this age but it can be really upsetting - girls falling out with other girls is often quite nasty and can be a form of bullying. Really not trying to have a go at you but I have a friend who is going through really hard time with her daughter who is similar age. Lots of people say 'that's just girls' but it doesn't mean it's okay. You might not know the full story.

YABU if someone made a 'big deal' of apologising then I would be upset

You should have said nothing or just mentioned in passing that you were only having a small do, not said "I'm sorry my Dd didn't pick your child!" which is rubbing it in imo

sorry dont think the issue is about whether her daughter should have been invited but rather about how you dealt with her.

sorry if im being totally off here but couldnt you just have asked her if she was ok rather than assuming it was all about the party and then walking off?

You've handled it well, dont worry that you haven't.

I woudlnt be too worried about other mum either though, who knows why she cried? One thing too much, over tiredness, PMT, the 65th time this year that this has happened.... I get yupset when ds1 isn't because its always again IYSWIM/ Also I remember my own feelings after being excluded rom a party all my amtes were invitted to and them all being told not to tell me- I suspect I may project this anxiety onto the boys a little

So no YANBU but give her a break she's probably at home embarassed

Oh dear. Maybe there is more to the story than you know? Maybe her DD is really upset? Or maybe her DD doesn't get invited to many parties because of her behaviour? Just clutching at straws... but whatever, you have handled it in a totally reasonable way, so YABU.