To expect a mother not to cry because her daughter isn't invited to a party?

[RockinSockBunnies]

This is my first AIBU post, so go easy with me

It's DD's 8th birthday this weekend. For all her parties in the past, we've always invited the whole class (all 30) and had some form of entertainment.

This year, though, since they're all getting so much bigger and have their own group of friends, I specified to DD that she could invite 5 other children for a day out (at an attraction in London).

Deciding on who was to be invited was fairly fraught. In the end, she chose 5 girls in her class. One girl, who she's friendly with and who had invited DD to her party was not included on the list. TBH, I was fairly glad as she can be quite a handful and I didn't relish travelling across London on public transport with her (she tends to swing from the Tube hand rails and clamber over seats and won't sit down if you tell her to).

So, invites went out circumspectly. I asked DD not to mention it to this child.

Today, saw the child and her mother. Mother was very 'off' with me, wouldn't talk to me. I asked a mutual friend if the other mother knew about the party - apparently yes, someone had mentioned it.

So, thought I'd try and clear the air. I apologised that to her that her DD wasn't invited, expressed that it was a pity that DD hadn't chosen her but that she could only have 5 people. The other mother starts crying, muttering under her breath and shaking her head at me.

Now, maybe she'd been having a bad day and I know it's not nice if your child isn't invited to a party. But is it really such a major issue? Aren't there bigger things to worry about?

Clearly the issue is now doing the rounds in the playground and I will no doubt be ostracised in some way. But it's a kid's party! Get over it!

to be honest I'm a bit gutted if either ds2 isn't invited to a party and if you got me on a really bad day I might blub!

but I'd also die of embarrassment

I cired over a party invitation once, although admittedly not in front of the child'mother concerned. DS1 is a friendly gregarious loving little boy who cares desperately about being accepted and having friends. He does struggle with this at school because he has AS, is a bit immature emotionally, very 'bookish' and little-professory, and squeaks/flaps etc when he gets overstimulated. A while ago a little girl in his class (he adores this little girl) stood in the classroom doorway handing out invitations to all the children in the class apart from DS1 and two other boys who are known as the "naughty boys" in that class. I was gutted for him but thought he hadn't noticed because he didn't say anything. Later that evening I found him making a really lovely birthday card for this child, and when I asked him about it he said "I made her a card because I want her to have a nice birthday even though she didn't invite me to her party. I was surprised she didn't invite me though because I thought she was my friend". I was very upset about that and anyone who thinks I am 'precious' or 'hypersensitive' can take a running jump AFAIAC.

A couple of nights ago ds1 and I were having our little solemn chat before bed and he said (you know that low litle voice they use when they don't really want to tell you) "Nobody has invited me to any of their parties this year yet, I'm a bit sad about it really"/ I suggested that maybe there hadn't been very many parties yet this year or only small ones. He said no and gave me a comprehensive account of all the parties so far this year in his class and who had been invited to them. I didn't know what to say to him . Thankfully a very lovely friend and her dd (not school friends) have just invited him to a party which helps, but he still differentiates between this and being accepted at school.

Lucky you if your don't worry about your child's social skills and happiness. You're welcome to your 'perspective'. But these things can be very upsetting for some of us and our dc, it's not just about being a primadonna and wanting your child to be invited to everything all the time.

I agree with the last poster

I know not everyone is invited to parties, but when its your kid who is left out and they are upset its pretty heartbreaking, even if you don't show it

I know I feel awful if DD isn't invited to a party. But it isn't as if this child was 'excluded'. Only five out of thirty children were invited and I haven't heard complaints from the parents of the other twenty five!

Also, the other girl isn't socially outcast. She's fairly popular and certainly has her fair share of invitations.

Haven't read every post and this may have been suggested before, but could you perhaps invite the uninvited child over for after school tea one evening so that she is not totally excluded? She would have more quality playing time with your DD on her own.

I know exactly where evergreensleeves is coming from - had similar, but not identical, problem and it can be painful for the children and the mum dealing with the fallout.

egs, fucking hell that must tug on the heart strings.

i'd sob if my dd told me that, she not even 2 yet.

it must be so hard to feel your childs pain, much much worse than your own.

suppose it teaches them life is hard sometimes.

what is AS?

pmt

as is aspergers syndrome

I think this is probably all just part of a bigger, unknown picture.
I am not over emotional but I have sobbed over really pathetic things to do with my children because of something else IYSWIM. I cried when DD brought her homemade mothers day card home a few years ago but it was only because she at age 3 understood what mothers day was and DS2 at age 10 still couldn't understand it. I looked a totally wimp in the playground that day . And I didn't really wantto explain so some ofthe mums probably still think I am pathetic.
Also cried a lot of stupid stuff in the months after my dad died.

Sometimes people cry because their emotions are heightened by something totally seperate

Yanbu

But nor is she

She was upset - we all have our insane pre-menstrual moments of over sensitivity about our dcs popularity or lack of. And is probably mortified now

You're right to think it's a huge overreaction.

Shrug it off. Treat her as if nothing ever happened and let life move on (fwiw I am still cross 31 years later that a girl in my class didn't invite me to her swimming party when my mum made me invite her to my party to keep in with her parents!).

"Some women ought to get their yummy mummy asses back to work or down the soup kitchen volunteering, and get some perspective in life, IMO."

That's pretty obtuse, and pretty offensive boffinmum. On so many levels.

WTF has the mother's status wrt paid work got to do with any of this?

Were the OP (or you) to be accused of insensitivity due to being more interested in your careers, we would all - quite rightly - go ballistic.

Please stop it. I know it's your schtick, but it really is offensive.

To add into the debate, the other mother does work, isn't a 'yummy mummy' and seems to have general perspective in life. Which is why her reaction is so odd.

RSB YANBU at all and I think you handled it fine - it's your child's party and she can do what she wants with whoever she wants, and that should be your only concern.

BUT cut this mum some slack, and try and be understanding with her. She is obvioulsy very upset and she can only think about her child.

I walked out of the playground today trying to hide the fact that I was in tears because my ds is being left out and it is breaking my heart, and I can imagine that if one of the mums had spoken to me I would have sobbed hysterically and everyone would have thought I was precious and bonkers.

Don't think that you have done something wrong because I don't think you have, but she may just be feeling a build up of all sorts of worries and this is the final straw.

implying that her reaction would be to be expected, if she worked inside the home?

I think that is very sad evergreensleeves, although I hate the whole class parties I think it is unfair to have a big party with most of the class-quite different from a small party.

onebatmother no, not at all, just responding to the point made earlier about 'yummy mummies' - I personally see no difference between working mothers and SAHMs in terms of a reaction!

dittany - not really a red herring. There are other children within that 25 who are just as friendly with DD as this girl is. There are probably between 7-10 children that play together (though they seem to all fall out on a daily basis, so the numbers can fluctuate).

Out of that group, 4 are invited, plus another girl that DD likes who tends to play with people outside the group. So there's at least 3 or 4 of that circle of 'friends' that haven't been invited either.

YANBU to not invite her, but the 'get over it remark' (on here I mean, I know you didn't say it to her) is rather harsh.
Like Flocci, I have been in tears about htings like this before, tho' not openly in the playground - it is usually a culmination of other things and tehn teh hurt of the child bewildered at tbeing left out. But then I am a complete ave cried becasue another mother's child was left out, not only my own...

Greensleeves, that's a brave and true little boy you've got there.

I wish I lived near Greensleeves. My ds's could do with a nice little boy like jher ds for a friend.

You and your DD have snubbed this girl and she is crying because her DD was probably mortified. Please don't undercut it, from your op you were even relieved she wasn't coming because she was a handful.

I think what you said to her may have rubbed salt into the wound. I suspect there is a lot going on here with her, but please don't be surprised an on the surface "together" working Mum could get down about this kind of thing - it can make the most steely Mother feel utterly shit.

This was probably just the final straw that broke her. Anything could have happened that day. Anything could be going on in her life. I really doubt this was about a party for a bunch of little kids. Her husband might be having an affair. She might be worried she is going to be made redundant. Her cat might have died.

I'm sure there was probably other stuff going on and that she was having a bad day.

I really didn't want to rub salt into the wound and wish I hadn't had to raise the issue at all - mutual friend who was at the after-school activity advised me to have a word as she knew the other mother was upset.

I'm probably not known for my tactful and sympathetic skills though, so maybe I made it worse.

I find it sad that it seems from this thread that it is more acceptable to totally deprive your kid of inviting a few folk round to celebrate their birthday than to risk upsetting kids by letting your child have the sort of birthday celebration they want.
Some parents do seem to have an all or nothing approach to parties which is unrealistic for many houses and budgets.
I will continue to have my kids inviting a handful of kids round to go bowling/ to the cinema etc.

FGS, she's not "snubbed" the girl, her DD could choose only 5 friends and she wasn't one of them. Someone is always going to get left out.

DSs get invited to some parties and not to others. That's life. At no point do they or I feel they've been snubbed by the birthday child. And I'm an over emotional, sat-on-arse SAHM

There is clearly some other underlying reason that the mother is upset. It's unfair to make out that the OP is the baddy in all this.