To expect a mother not to cry because her daughter isn't invited to a party?

[RockinSockBunnies]

This is my first AIBU post, so go easy with me

It's DD's 8th birthday this weekend. For all her parties in the past, we've always invited the whole class (all 30) and had some form of entertainment.

This year, though, since they're all getting so much bigger and have their own group of friends, I specified to DD that she could invite 5 other children for a day out (at an attraction in London).

Deciding on who was to be invited was fairly fraught. In the end, she chose 5 girls in her class. One girl, who she's friendly with and who had invited DD to her party was not included on the list. TBH, I was fairly glad as she can be quite a handful and I didn't relish travelling across London on public transport with her (she tends to swing from the Tube hand rails and clamber over seats and won't sit down if you tell her to).

So, invites went out circumspectly. I asked DD not to mention it to this child.

Today, saw the child and her mother. Mother was very 'off' with me, wouldn't talk to me. I asked a mutual friend if the other mother knew about the party - apparently yes, someone had mentioned it.

So, thought I'd try and clear the air. I apologised that to her that her DD wasn't invited, expressed that it was a pity that DD hadn't chosen her but that she could only have 5 people. The other mother starts crying, muttering under her breath and shaking her head at me.

Now, maybe she'd been having a bad day and I know it's not nice if your child isn't invited to a party. But is it really such a major issue? Aren't there bigger things to worry about?

Clearly the issue is now doing the rounds in the playground and I will no doubt be ostracised in some way. But it's a kid's party! Get over it!

I have a friend who cries everytimes her daughter is not invited to a party. She has done so for years now, her DD is 10. I am now dreading her asking me if my DD is invited to such and such party in case she inded is and is then regarded as thre vilain. She is keeping tabs on the number of parties other people are invited and I find it really strange.(BTW my DD is not invited to all parties either,we DD and I never saw it as a problem though).

The same person also does not understand that we sometimes cannot go to a party. It seems unthinkable to her that I will sometimes tell dd that she cannot go to a party because we have already something on on that day. According to her it is really bad form to refuse an invite. Is it?I am foreign and find it very hard to understand the politics surronding birthday parties in the UK.

To some people their children are their whole life, to the extent that they see them as extensions of themselves and not independent individuals. So when their Dc are not invited to parties, they take it as a personal attack on themselves. they judge themselves by how popular their DC are, how many friends they have and how many presents they get at their DCs birthday parties.
They probably make a list of all the Christmas cards their DC get each year and feel personally insulted if they don't get more than anyone else.

Very sad

Well, my DCs are my whole life but I still do not understand it. (I do understand your post purepurple, just not the concept of the constant crying ).

i have no idea why ds1 was't invited to the parties.
One of them was quite a girly party, but he talked about it for a few days before the weekend of the birthday- and made a card for his freind

maybe the girl forgot she sadi she'd invite him when her mum asked who she wanted.

ds1 loves these girls, but i'm not sure if they nthnk of him as in their primary friend group iyswim. they are all nice kids, so i don't think it's anything more sinister.
and the mum is lovely- ds1 is abit of an outsider really

I agree purepurple- I actually disliked parties when I was a child (I'm not too keen on them now)so I would have been quite happy not to be invited.Therefore my mother getting upset because she felt that I wasn't popular enough would have been her problem, not mine!
It is one reason why I hate the whole class party, aged about 3-6 I used to cry and not want to go (and they were small parties not 20+). I think that I was 8 or 9 before I started to enjoy them, if it was a good friend,and that is the very time that people start the smaller parties. I think that it would be much more sensible for people to save their money and hold whole class parties in the upper juniors when DCs feel the rejection.

I have never bowed down to the pressure to have all the class at the party.
And DD has been invited to loads
Some she went to, some she didn't for lots of reasons, mainly because they were during the week and I work and don't drive

About 10 is my limit for a decent party.

It sounds as though Lisalisa's school is rather dictatorial, but a school I used to work in had a policy that if you invited the whole class to the party then you could hand out invitations in school, but if not, then the whole inviting business had to be dealt with out of school (posting invitations or dropping through letterboxes).

As a teacher, this was not being 'nanny private'. It just meant that children did not have to be subjected to the humiliating experience of realising they are being left out. In my ds's previous school I have seen children standing at the doorway handing out invitations "you've got one, you're not invited" etc etc to each child as they passed through. Strangely enough, my shy, quiet, nerdy little boy was often devastated if he was left out.

OP, you were not unreasonable in what you did. 5 is a small number. Could you ask your dd if she can shed any light on why this may have caused so much upset (sometimes 8 year olds can be remarkably insightful). But it may be that this other mum was not being unreasonable either, you just don't have the full story.

And to those posters who expressed an opinion but don't have school age children - just wait. Nothing can prepare you for the hurt you can feel on your child's behalf in these situations. I have been guilty of peering through the playground railings at school, spying ds on his own on a bench, and going home and wailing. And I'm normally a rational and together person.

oh mum23monkeys, don't I know it.

I have already been sad on DS's behalf when people who he smiles at in the supermarket/doctor's waiting room/anywhere really DON'T smile back at him - he is a very friendly smiley boy and always has been from a very young baby (after he could smile of course) - I am going to be a real mess when he starts getting "rejected" from party lists and by other kids in playgrounds etc.

He looks so bewildered when they don't smile back or when other small children don't immediately run towards him to play with him (they don't know him, it could be in the park or anywhere!) DH was apparently a very outgoing child - I wasn't at all so fingers crossed DS doesn't have my sensitivity and just has his Dad's pushiness!

Well i can only tell you that in my dcs school the policy does work and work well. We don't have any excluded children or little cliques discusing parties to the exclsuion of other kids.

If its a cost issue then the parents do as some do - have a video and popcorn evening. How much does that cost? And unquietdad - its nothing to do wtih being able to afford it as its a private school! That's just a cheap shot. A video costs a few quid, ditto popcorn. You don't have to do bowling or something expensive. Few in my school do . And our fees are quite low - only a fwe hundred per term not like a "true " private school and we have plenty of non fee paying parents too.

I don't think its any more intrusive in a family's private life than insisting a healthy lunch is brought to school or the child wears uniform to school. If you want to make freedome of choice arguments you can say uniform restricts the child'#s choice and cosrts a fortune and that a family shoudl be free to choose whether to give their kids white bread and jam with cake and fruit shoot to boot in their lunchbox. I actually think that far less important and that it has far less impact on the school day and life than allowing children to invite everyone in a class but one or two to parties where those "select" one or two are likely to feel like shit for days or week s afterwards . that can have a long term impact on their ability to learn and concentrate and is in my opinion a school issue where life lessons such as manners, good grace and inclusion are concerened.

I like to think that my dcs are very inclusive and certianly when it is a class child's party coming round all get excited and share anticipation together. The atmosphere in our school is always fun, positive and warm. There is a zero tolerance to bullying ( and it is zero - one child in yr 2 was excluded permenantly after a term's worth of seroius bullying of another child) and a warm supportive culture of paretns and teachers in it toghether.

Well I'd feel mighty sorry for my ds's best mate at your school, lisa, as she's a Jehovas witness and doesn't go to any parties. Don't know whether or not this bothers her but if it does i'm sure it'd be a heck of a lot worse if she was the only one out of 30 not going to a party !

but bobbyswish she would have a simliar problem at any school, especially if the party was one where the whole class was invited - my sis had a friend who was a JW - she was the only one who couldn't come to my sis's parties (back then it was pretty much the whole class who came barring busy-ness and refusals). She was always invited but just couldn't come.

This sounds a bit different to a whole class party with only 2 or 3 excluded.

Recently this happened to my DS all the boys were invited apart from (as I could tell 2/3 of them). I was a bit confused really as all the kids came out with invites apart from DS (4) and there was no obvious reason for the exclusion. Was it an error? Should I ask? Well if I had received the explaination as offered by the OP that would have been great - however I will never know.

We've invited the kid to our party because it has been a whole class invite.....I guess you just have to just shrug your shoulders and move on.

we wouldn't be able to fit the kids from ds1's class into our house- so immediately we need to hire somewhere or hope for good weather and do someting in the park= with ALL of them??

lisalisa- how many kids are in the class?
there's 27 in ds1's class.
we could do about 6 tops i reckon.

I think it is very intrusive lisalisa. I would want to have at least 6 children. There is no way I would have a class full, unless the class is 10 children, and I wouldn't want 2 children. I could see that I would have to arrange it direct with the parents outside of school-easy to do as all my DCs have birthdays in the school holidays.
I don't agree with having large parties and missing only a few out-that is unkind but I think 8 children out of 30 is perfectly reasonable. Unless the school is going to volunteer to be the party venue, free of charge, I don't see how they can expect me to fit a class into my house or find the money to take them elsewhere. Two children isn't a party-it is what we might have round on a normal, weekly basis.

Sometimes you have to work out what you want, what your dc wants, what you can afford, and how it will affect those invited/not invited. And see if you can come to a good compromise/resolution.

It seems to be remarkably selfish to think only of what suits you and your finances, rather than the children.

As a pp said, birthday parties are a good time to teach the wider moral issues of empathy and respect.

And believe me, I don't know a single teacher who thinks that school is the right place to deal with invitations for parties. And, although I probably would not do exactly as LisaLisa's school has done, I can see why they have. If parents are going to bring parties into the playground, then the school then has a right to say how it should be done.

Best thing I think is to post the invitations, and try not to make a big deal about it, for everybody's sake.

How many 6/7/8 year olds have you heard saying "if you don't do xxxxxx, then you won't come to my party"? Lots I guess. Ugh. Surely that is what we are trying to avoid.