To expect a mother not to cry because her daughter isn't invited to a party?

[RockinSockBunnies]

This is my first AIBU post, so go easy with me

It's DD's 8th birthday this weekend. For all her parties in the past, we've always invited the whole class (all 30) and had some form of entertainment.

This year, though, since they're all getting so much bigger and have their own group of friends, I specified to DD that she could invite 5 other children for a day out (at an attraction in London).

Deciding on who was to be invited was fairly fraught. In the end, she chose 5 girls in her class. One girl, who she's friendly with and who had invited DD to her party was not included on the list. TBH, I was fairly glad as she can be quite a handful and I didn't relish travelling across London on public transport with her (she tends to swing from the Tube hand rails and clamber over seats and won't sit down if you tell her to).

So, invites went out circumspectly. I asked DD not to mention it to this child.

Today, saw the child and her mother. Mother was very 'off' with me, wouldn't talk to me. I asked a mutual friend if the other mother knew about the party - apparently yes, someone had mentioned it.

So, thought I'd try and clear the air. I apologised that to her that her DD wasn't invited, expressed that it was a pity that DD hadn't chosen her but that she could only have 5 people. The other mother starts crying, muttering under her breath and shaking her head at me.

Now, maybe she'd been having a bad day and I know it's not nice if your child isn't invited to a party. But is it really such a major issue? Aren't there bigger things to worry about?

Clearly the issue is now doing the rounds in the playground and I will no doubt be ostracised in some way. But it's a kid's party! Get over it!

I never did whole class parties-luckily mine are older and i wasn't done at the time-even if it was I wouldn't have felt obliged. I left it entirely up to my DCs but never more than 12 in total.

She could be upset because her girl always gets left out and doesn't have any friends? I have seen people utterly heartbroken over this, both on here and in real life.

(Not that this is your responsibility, so don't feel guilty!)

My dd (nearly 8) cried today because she wasn't invited to yet another party(she is incredibly shy and not socially 'adept') and that made me cry for her, so you are being if not unreasonable then at the very least slightly unsympathetic as you don't know what traumas are going on 'behind the scenes'.

My kids only have 4 or 5 now. I've never known anyone to cry because their kid wasn't invited, but then I'm antisocial and don't chat to parents at the school gates. My kids have never been upset at not being invited to parties either, and as I don't talk much to other mums if there are parties they aren't invited to it all goes over my head anyway (or did when they were young enough to need picked up from school).
I would forget it. She's the one being overemotional and unreasonable.

I don't think it is very helpful to the DD if the mother gets over emotional. It is much bettter to stay matter of fact and explain that people can't afford huge parties and some people are bound to be disappointed, rather than make it into some big drama and make the DD feel inadequate for being missed out.

Well blimey I hope I would never cry in front of the other mum but I've cried over party invitations/exclusions, and I don't think I am mad or suffering from other ishoos. I wouldn't do it in front of the DCs though.

Once when DD was in Year 1 a kid was giving out invitations and there wasn't one for her. (She got hers the next day). DH saw that she looked so forlorn and came home and told me, and we were both in tears.

The other week DD was upset because a child had told her she was inviting DD to her party and when the invitations went out she didn't get one. I explained to DD that this meant that the girl definitely wanted her to come but obviously they were restricted for numbers and hey, well, it's the thought that counts... I wanted to curl up in a corner and howl for my disappointed daughter.

YANBU

The other mum is being very silly and probably tired or pre-menstrual IMO. It's a child's party FGS. I am quite capable of behaving like this too, and having an irrational cry, but would have forgotten about it the next day. I would have just handed the other mum a tissue and breezed onto a coffee and cake and playdate invitation, whilst ignoring the crying.

FWIW I think these rampaging whole class parties are over-indulgent and far too prevalent, and not always sufficiently appreciated by the kids. All these bouncy castles, fancy venues clowns and designer party bags just lead to festivity escalation. Give me a Shirley Hughes home-based party for 12 any day.

I agree that it is silly to get upset about party invitations. However, she may have other things on her mind. Could you have coffee with her and explain things a bit better?

Yup, there's a lot to be said for frequent coffee invitations to oil the social wheels of motherhood.

Or getting a job so kids party invitations receive their proper priority in your life.
If lack of a kids party invite (esp if only a handful of kids going to the party) makes an adult cry I do wonder how they cope with important problems. Some women either have a very stressfree life or must be constantly wailing.

YANBU. The tearful mum (TM) is being unreasonable to expect that either:

a) her DD gets an automatic invitation from your DD just because your DD went to her DD's party,

and/or

b) your DD is having another whole-class party this year.

I think you've done enough already by explaining to TM that only 5 are going. Don't keep bringing up the subject and trying to explain again - you'll only rub salt into the wound for her.

2rebecca, I have to say I agree with you. Some women ought to get their yummy mummy asses back to work or down the soup kitchen volunteering, and get some perspective in life, IMO. However to be fair this may have been a hormonal moment and the wailing person concerned may indeed have a job.

"Or getting a job so kids party invitations receive their proper priority in your life." WTF??? For a start, the woman in question has a job so bog off with your "yummy mummy" comments. Sheesh.

She's feeling a bit sore because her 'bit of a handful' child is beginning to be left out I suspect. DD should be allowed to choose who she invites - not up to you to dictate to her so not your fault in any way.

Parties seem to be symbolic of so much else for some people, but I don't think that everyone has to pander to it; not all children get invited to all parties. Simple. Stop beating yourself up about it and enjoy your dd's day.

It wouldn't have occurred to me to even mention it to the woman, I'd have talked to her about whatever I wanted to talk to her about, and if she'd mentioned the non-invite I'd have said limited numbers. There's no way I would have felt the need to apologise - far too much like rubbing salt in.

If you look after this girl even on an ad hoc basis then I do think YABU.

My dd wasn't invited to a sleepover last week and only found out about by accident as the girl's sister let slip. My dd was devastated. I was upset for my dd but had to try to teach my dd that it is water off a duck's back, but if I looked after sleep-over girl and was anyway friendly with her mother than I would probably have wanted (theoretically!) to have strung both you and your dd up.

wouldn't it be better for all the children to do soething cheaper so you can invite all her friends.
it's quite hurtful for children when they are excluded.

why not have a tea party of something for all her friends then a special trip with one of them

everyones a winner then.

My DD9 didnt get invited to a party last week,but has been invited to the childs party for the last 5 years!
My Dd reaction,its only a party.
Still hurt her though I'm sure.

I've tended to let my kids choose what they want to do and then we tell them how many kids we can cope with for said activity and they choose who they want to invite. Whole class parties can be a nightmare. Fine if you enjoy that sort of thing or/and your kid wants a big party but I wouldn't plan my kids parties around what the other kids at school do, or just to make sure no-one ever feels left out. That's being very sheep like, and turning your child's party from a fun celebration into a political football. We did whole class parties when 4-6 and small events afterwards.
Part of growing up is developing close friends and realising not everyone gets to do everything.

You aren't being that nice about it.

Solution as many have said is to have tea party on birthday plus extra day out thing with the five special ones.

When you said about the "big shindig" it rang a bell: Mums who have big shindigs can sometimes be on a friend hunt for their dcs. The more relaxed ones don't try to impress but just give their child a good time.

Many people have said it and I agree: the Mum is beginning to realise that her child is being left out a bit and it's upsetting.

It's easy to be right and normal and well balanced with popular well balanced children and all that, which you obviously are. Life is so much harder when things don't work out like that. One is only ever as happy as one's unhappiest child.. their unhappiness is impossible not to take on board.

Dont' be hard on her. Be sweet. I think YABU with being so cross about it. I think you think YABU too or why come here to justify yourself? I hope some of the posters here have made you rethink a little bit and realise you could be gentler. Just to be nice.

I'm realising thus far from this thread that I'm probably not as sensitive as perhaps I could have been. But I was cross at being blanked by the other mum over this issue, which is why I was frustrated enough to post here. Also, mutual friends are seemingly being dragged into the debate - 'should her DD have been invited and wasn't it terrible that she wasn't etc etc.' So I'm somewhat pissed off that such an issue is being made of the whole thing.

In terms of whether or not to invite whole class, parties are certainly getting smaller and smaller as the children get older. It's easy enough to organise something that everyone enjoys when the DCs are 5 or - not so easy now they're getting older and more choosy about what they want to do. Also, DD had expressed a prevalence for the attraction that we're going to since last summer - she's had her heart set on it for months and it will be fun, so I wasn't going to tell her 'no, a tea party would have to do instead.'

Anyway, saw the other mother after school today, she's still ignoring me and I don't have the energy or inclination to try and build bridges at present.

It is a DCs party-you do need to get it into proportion! It isn't a slight, or someone being unfriendly not to get an invitation.
Most people don't have pots of money to spend on parties and decisions have to be made. I left it completely up to my DSs, but with a low limit on numbers. It was their party, they had who they wanted-it wasn't political as in which mothers do we need to keep happy, or so and so must be invited because they went to his etc.
If people didn't start these high expectations, that a birthday of someone in the class means everyone going, there wouldn't be a problem.

Blimey - what a minefield!

Not every child can be invited to everything! If I cried every time one of my DC's wasn't invited to a party I'd be sobbing almost constantly!

I think teh crying mum in the OP is struggling with more than just the lack of a party invitation.