To expect a mother not to cry because her daughter isn't invited to a party?

[RockinSockBunnies]

This is my first AIBU post, so go easy with me

It's DD's 8th birthday this weekend. For all her parties in the past, we've always invited the whole class (all 30) and had some form of entertainment.

This year, though, since they're all getting so much bigger and have their own group of friends, I specified to DD that she could invite 5 other children for a day out (at an attraction in London).

Deciding on who was to be invited was fairly fraught. In the end, she chose 5 girls in her class. One girl, who she's friendly with and who had invited DD to her party was not included on the list. TBH, I was fairly glad as she can be quite a handful and I didn't relish travelling across London on public transport with her (she tends to swing from the Tube hand rails and clamber over seats and won't sit down if you tell her to).

So, invites went out circumspectly. I asked DD not to mention it to this child.

Today, saw the child and her mother. Mother was very 'off' with me, wouldn't talk to me. I asked a mutual friend if the other mother knew about the party - apparently yes, someone had mentioned it.

So, thought I'd try and clear the air. I apologised that to her that her DD wasn't invited, expressed that it was a pity that DD hadn't chosen her but that she could only have 5 people. The other mother starts crying, muttering under her breath and shaking her head at me.

Now, maybe she'd been having a bad day and I know it's not nice if your child isn't invited to a party. But is it really such a major issue? Aren't there bigger things to worry about?

Clearly the issue is now doing the rounds in the playground and I will no doubt be ostracised in some way. But it's a kid's party! Get over it!

Hear,hear,2rebecca. The whole thing is a ridiculous fuss. As far as I am concerned I want my DC to celebrate their birthday with a handful of friends-I didn't realise that you were supposed to have the diplomacy of the United Nations or pots of money to invite approx 30 children!

Is that the general feeling? I thought people were trying to explain why the woman might have been so upset, rather than laying down the law on how parties must be organized.

'You and your DD have snubbed this girl and she is crying because her DD was probably mortified. Please don't undercut it, from your op you were even relieved she wasn't coming because she was a handful.'

I think this sort of post is making out that she is pretty mean. There are also ones saying that the mother might have been upset because her DH was having an affair and all sort of other things. All OP wants to do is have a 'few' friends-perfectly reasonable! Not a snub or being nasty to anyone. Are we supposed to ignore out DCs birthday because we can't afford a party for 30 children?!

Soupy, I challenge you to write 10 consecutive posts - on different threads - without writing "FGS"

Greensleeves, totally know what you mean. J (autism and ADHD) has only been invited to one party this year. He had everyone to his last party because it was a joint party and we hired a playcentre between us, so he sees it as very unfair and in his head, the others are being rude and mean.

I'm really for him and it doesn't make me cry anymore, because it is the least of my worries, but it is shite when your kid is or feels rejected.

So I think the 'get over it' attitude is fine while your child is accepted and included, but will you say the same to your dd if she ever gets bullied and left out, say at high school? I think not.

I think YABU, in case that wasn't clear.

How did the mother find out? Her dd might of been upset about it or maybe someone at school (not ur dd maybe another child) had said she wasnt invited because 'she's not her friend' or 'her mummy doesnt like you' and this got fed back to the mother? It does sound like theres more too it. I dont think ur being unreasobale for not inviting the child at all as she's only having 5 - so theres alot that are excluded.

It wasn't my intention to make out the op was mean or malicious and I apologise if I gave that impression, I don't think she is, just really insensitive.

pinkyp - the mother found out through a mutual friend. The friend mentioned the party, unaware that the other woman's DD wasn't invited. So now mutual friend feels awkward and caught in the middle

Evergreensleeves - I am for you and don't think this should have been allowed. To invite hte whole class and exclude 3 kids - I presume it is a full class of say 25 odd children?

That is extrermely bad manners of that child and her mother and is taking preference/right to choose to the extreme.

In my kids' school _ i have posted this before and I know it is very controbversial but by g-d doees it work and I'm very glad for it - the rule on parties is that you either invite the whole class or just the boys or just the girls or, if you must choose, then no more than 2 kids plus birthday child.

Doing it this way is better because:

1 If you invite just 2 then no-one really gets upset if they are not invited unoless of course its a group of 3 that are friendly. so far in all of my dcs classess that situation has never arisen and all dcs can understand that child X has 2 best friends and they are coming out with her/to her party/for sleepover.

2 If you need party to be bigger than just 2 but can't face whole class you can do all girls or boys and makes for much easier party especailly as you go up the school where boys and girls interests tend to divest in any case. I have done this quite a lot and where younger kids really want say one or two boys as well have held separate birthday tea for dd and these 2 boys .

This rule does not upset excluded sex as none of that sex are invited so no personal reasons involved and of course no -one is excluded and no-one feels rejected.

This is especailly important with girls I find as their friendships, particuarly when younger, are more fickle and I can quite well imagine , with my girls anyway ( of which there are 3 of them) that if they were forced into choices of party invites of say 5 or 6 then those choices would be pretty much set in stone throughout school years of being dd's friends as party invites would largely be reciprocated ( or not as the case may be) by the girls either invited or not and the snubs by mothers ( that OP is encountering) or friendly chats and offers of playdates that would naturally follow a select invitation would more or less confirm those choices for her.

My dds are firendly with most of the girls in their classes and no idea how they would go about exlcuding perfectly nice sweet girls with whom they play but cannot on this occassion choose. I suppose in those circusmtances we would have lots of upset girls ( as it would happen back to them ) and a lot more insecurity where girls wonder whether X really likes them or not . Also imagine a lot more playground huddles where invited children talk about and make plans re party in advance and exclude others who 1 day previously were their friends but are not part of the lucky select few now.

I am very glad my kids' school does have this policy and all mums seem to cope whether high income or low income. AFter all parties don't cost much - you don't have to do anything big - one mum over the weekend just did video watch and play for one hour wiht crisps and drinks etc - but you do teach your children valuable lesssons for life about inclusion, social grace and friendship.

I'll get off my soapbox now!

Lisalisa - but how does your DCs school enforce this policy? - Other than refusing to give out invitations that aren't to the whole class/all the boys/girls.

KamR - it is a private school and one of hte school rules . So when you sign up for School you sign up for rules too.

Once or twice someone has flouted rules ( but early on in school where may have forgotton or thought that it wouldn't be enforced) and headmistress has had to speak to mother and explain that these are school rules. Works like a dream in our school

I presume this is a primary school as my kids are secondary school so don't have classes as such. I do think it's ott having a school tell you how many kids your child can invite to a party. Nanny private rather than nanny state.

Well, this sort of thing happened to me the other week. I had had quite a lot of rejections of different sorts myself in the preceding few days. Then I had had problems with ds because some of his best friends were leaving him out of games/not playing with him etc. Then I found out that two of his best friends were invited to another friend's party and he wasn't. He does play with this friend, although not quite as much as the other 2 friends of his who were invited (they are all into Pokemon and he is not, which is one of the reasons he often gets left out of the group).

I din't actually see the party boy's parents, but on leaving the playground I was in floods of tears. It was just the combination of everything, and about the third time this term that some of ds's close friends had been invited to a party and he had been left out.

I wasn't annoyed or angry with the party boy/his parents, just upset for my ds that he finds it so hard to make friends and fit in. He is generally well-behaved btw, just often a bit different from a lot of the other kids. I've tried to encourage him to fit in, but his interests are really quite different.

Anyway, I can see how someone might be that upset if it was the last thing in a string of things in life that are hard to deal with.

I can't see that working LisaLisa, I definitely wouldn't have the whole class but neither would I want only 2, I would want between 6 and 8.
I think that Greensleeves DCs experience is horrible and I can't understand people having more than half a class and leaving some out. I dare say that if you had either a huge house or lots of money you could accommodate everyone but I don't have either.

everGreensleeves it sounds like you have my DS1.

Lisalisa, I think it's a very slippery slope indeed when schools start interfering in families' private lives. It's almost as though your school has forgotten where the boundaries are.

For example, if you wanted to have a few of the other families over for a small party of BBQ to celebrate a birthday, presumably that would be 'prohibited' under this system. It's a bit like banning people's right to assembly.

I would tell a head to get stuffed if they started to police my private life. Indeed I have done so in the past.

oopsagain - do you think the girl's mum vetoed inviting your DS as he would be the only boy and she would be worried he wouldn't fit in?

I am soooo not looking forward to this scenario. I feel so sad for children who are excluded, even if they have invited other children to their party and then don't get the reciprocal invitation. I know it's expensive and difficult but I was frequently one of those children left out as well, and if it happens to DS, I am sure I will cry too, purely because I don't want him to feel the way I did. Maybe that's all it was, OP - the mum had had the same issues as a child and was feeling it for her DD?

Oops -- we have exactly the same thing. I think DS1 is just resigned to never being invited to parties, despite faithfully inviting the same three girls year after year.

Still, at least they come to his. Inviting 'friends', and having them invariably find some excuse not to come, is an even harder lesson .

My dd's best friend of 4 years decided not to invite dd to her birthday party (it was a small party and she was only allowed a few girls there - she'd fallen out with dd the week before). We'd had this girl over dozens and dozens of times, taken her out etc. DD loves her.

I cried a bit when I found out (not in front of the mum). I was upset for my little girl who was devastated that she'd been excluded.

I can't believe there are schools which have rules about inviting the whole class. For some parents it is a cost issue. Any idea how much it costs to take 30 kids bowling or to the cinema??! Or even just to feed them at home? But of course maybe such things are not a consideration at private schools

My son used to invite a few girls when at primary school, but never got invited to their parties, if they had them. perhaps girls tend not to have mixed small parties as much. It never worried him though.
It's sad the girl who's just fallen out with her friend isn't invited to the party, but if they have fallen out then it would seem strange to invite her until they make friends again. if my kids were having a party and said they had fallen out with someone who had been a friend I wouldn't insist they invite them unless they had made up. I'd just reassure your daughter that if they are friends again soon you'll take her and the friend out together or something, and that going to a party when things aren't OK with her friend wouldn't be much fun anyway.