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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect a mother not to cry because her daughter isn't invited to a party?

143 replies

RockinSockBunnies · 17/03/2009 19:57

This is my first AIBU post, so go easy with me

It's DD's 8th birthday this weekend. For all her parties in the past, we've always invited the whole class (all 30) and had some form of entertainment.

This year, though, since they're all getting so much bigger and have their own group of friends, I specified to DD that she could invite 5 other children for a day out (at an attraction in London).

Deciding on who was to be invited was fairly fraught. In the end, she chose 5 girls in her class. One girl, who she's friendly with and who had invited DD to her party was not included on the list. TBH, I was fairly glad as she can be quite a handful and I didn't relish travelling across London on public transport with her (she tends to swing from the Tube hand rails and clamber over seats and won't sit down if you tell her to).

So, invites went out circumspectly. I asked DD not to mention it to this child.

Today, saw the child and her mother. Mother was very 'off' with me, wouldn't talk to me. I asked a mutual friend if the other mother knew about the party - apparently yes, someone had mentioned it.

So, thought I'd try and clear the air. I apologised that to her that her DD wasn't invited, expressed that it was a pity that DD hadn't chosen her but that she could only have 5 people. The other mother starts crying, muttering under her breath and shaking her head at me.

Now, maybe she'd been having a bad day and I know it's not nice if your child isn't invited to a party. But is it really such a major issue? Aren't there bigger things to worry about?

Clearly the issue is now doing the rounds in the playground and I will no doubt be ostracised in some way. But it's a kid's party! Get over it!

OP posts:
Sorrento · 17/03/2009 20:19

There was once an actually fight, handbags at dawn about this at our school.
In a very middle class, nobody raises there voices even if the house is on fire kind of place it was most amusing
Parents do need to get a grip, you shouldn't have apologised at all, daft mare, her not you.

Original poster
RockinSockBunnies · 17/03/2009 20:21

Well, I was keen to try and ignore issue if I could have done.

But I'm having her DD tomorrow after school as usual childcare arrangements have gone astray, I had to talk to her to discuss collection time etc. So I thought it would be even more strained if I pretended everything was hunky-dory.

So I said something along the lines of, 'just wanted to clear the air...understand you've heard about the party on Saturday... could only have 5 children...sorry'.

But I acknowledge my sympathy skills are pretty crap. I'm useless at dealing with emotional people, plus I was a bit pissed off that it's turning into such a big deal.

OP posts:
MrsMattie · 17/03/2009 20:22

YANBU! Sorry, YANBU!

pointydog · 17/03/2009 20:25

there's more to it.

Maybe she worries about her child'e behaviour too and sees her being left out of things

Maybe her dd considers your dd to be her best friend (even though your dd doesn't reciprocate)

All's fair in playdates and parties but go easy on her. Something's happeneing which is upsetting her.

HerBeatitudeLittleBella · 17/03/2009 20:28

Sorry but i think YABU and very unempathetic.

Unless you have reason to believe the woman is a complete loon, I would assume that this is about much more than one missed party invitation. An automatic default position of "FFS get over it" is a bit sad in an adult. I'd think that if I knew for a fact someone was nuts, but if not, I'd assume that there was something else going on to really upset the woman.

Sassybeast · 17/03/2009 20:31

YANBU. Kids party politics never cease to amaze me !

annh · 17/03/2009 20:32

Oh Gawd! DS2, who is going to be 8 next week, handed out invites for his party at school today. He is restrictd to 14 because of the type of party he is having and a couple of kids are coming from another class in his school so only about 1/3 of his actual class have been invited. I sincerely hope I am not going to be blanked in the playground tomorrow or accosted by a weeping mum!

Yes, the other mum may have had a very bad day but if the party invite was just the last straw, rather than the main reason for her tears, surely she should have called you once she had calmed down? If she really is that upset over the lack of an invite and suspects it is because of her daughter's behaviour, that is hard for her to deal with but again she shouldn't take it out on you.

Finally, for what it's worth, by this age few of the kids at our school are having whole-class parties, the girls have already started having sleep-overs and HSM parties and the boys are rampaging around laser quest! There have been lots of parties this year which ds2 hasn't been invited to and which neither he or I are bothered about.

crokky · 17/03/2009 20:34

Maybe she was crying not directly because of the party, but because of the level of upset her DD might have suffered and she doesn't like seeing her DD like that? I don't know. The whole parties thing frightens me to death - mine are not school age yet so I have not had this to deal with.

mrsruffallo · 17/03/2009 20:42

YANBU
I think that you offered an explanation, and that should have been enough.
It was ridiculous of her to be off with you at all!

MagNacarta · 17/03/2009 20:46

I have a tendancy to over-react to exactly this sort of scenario. I know it's ott, but can't stop myself and I'm fairly sure that I've cried in similar circumstances (although not been spotted). Last year I was in ds's class during a session where he kept putting his hand up and the teacher didn't pick him. I'm not daft, I know she can't possibly pick every child, but I had an automatic reaction and had to work very hard to stop myself from crying. I suspect a therapist would have a field day with me.

So, I identify with the other Mum and she's probably very embarrassed/mortified.

edam · 17/03/2009 20:51

Blimey. Clearly it's not you, it's her, for whatever reason.

minxofmancunia · 17/03/2009 20:52

YABU, it obviously touched on deeper issues. my dd is only 2.6 and I'm already panicking over this whole issue, I was the one not invited to parties cos people thought I was "weird" the thought of it happening to dd breaks my heart (am am pg though so a bit emotional )

IMO you either invite the whole class or just 1 best friend, otherwise the whole issue is fraught with hostility and bitchiness.

cilitbang · 17/03/2009 21:08

YANBU. It sounds like she's having a rough time or premenstral or just got some bad news - who knows? If its not what you would naturally do in that situation then I wouldn't feel bad for not being the shoulder for her to cry on, its maybe not even your place. But if you felt like doing so it might be thoughful to invite her daughter over for a play date and at the same time ask her if she fancy's staying for a cuppa while the girls play. You can explain that you'd left it totally for you DD to choose who came. Then change the subject and don't dwell on it. If you get chatting she may open up about any issues or probs she got at the moment (if she wanted to).

dittany · 17/03/2009 21:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

KHS · 17/03/2009 21:56

Don't worry about it too much - just be friendly when you see her and leave it at that. Some things are too complicated and emotionally loaded to explain. I do wonder whether she's reliving some past traumas through her daughter. Or maybe just having a rubbish time generally and you touched a nerve-who knows.

Sounds like you find her child a bit of a nightmare, and if you two adults don't really get on, there isn't much to lose, surely? Alternatively, you could invite her daughter along to another outing sometime in the future - not as a consolation prize but just to show you don't want to exclude her. Maybe she's less of a handful with just your daughter around and not lots of kids to show off in front of?

I think being left out is a necessary lesson of life that children need to have now and then to become fully rounded people. It's when it's consistent and deliberate that it turns into bullying.

Original poster
RockinSockBunnies · 17/03/2009 22:06

Well, the reason I said five is that it's costing £20 per head, plus the cost of adults that are supervising, so in addition to the tickets for the attraction and the food at mine after, it'll be close to £200, hence the restrictions on numbers.

Just spoken to my friend who's a primary school teacher, who told me that some parents got into a punch up last week over a child not being invited to a party two years ago. So clearly the issue is loaded with emotion and general difficulties...

OP posts:
dittany · 17/03/2009 22:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mrsruffallo · 17/03/2009 22:15

Come on, how much emotional investment can you have in other parents at school?
Op's DD chose 5 children, and OP apologised to the mother.
I think that is enough

Original poster
RockinSockBunnies · 17/03/2009 22:17

I asked DD to keep it quiet from everyone other than those invited, and not to talk about it at school if at all possible (wishful thinking I know...)

Reason I think the process is 'fraught' is simply because DD is friendly with pretty much everyone in her class and goes to quite a lot of parties. Meaning it's hard to reciprocate evenly in this situation.

DD is friendly with this child, but no more than some of the others that aren't invited.

Oh well, let's hope I won't be shunned too badly on the school run in the morning...

OP posts:
mrsruffallo · 17/03/2009 22:21

Well, I can't see why you would be shunned.

onebatmother · 17/03/2009 22:26

I think it very much depends. If there's a group of 6 girls, but left-out girl is the 6th and often sidelined, it was perhaps rather unkind to leave her out.

If not, then it can't be helped. Though it's rather unempathetic to ffs and get over it. Walk a mile in the mother-of-unpopular-crying-every-night-child's shoes etc.

dittany · 17/03/2009 22:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

kylesmyloveheart · 17/03/2009 22:36

onebat - i totally understand what you are saying.

ds 7's (best friend) had a sleepover recently. theres 5 that play together. i had taken them out on an after school trip where said boy said 'my mums said * cant come to my sleepover as hes not a nice boy'. ds just looked shocked and crumpled. he cant be that much of a horrid boy is the mother lets him come out after school with us.

never believed she actually wouldn't invite ds when she invited the rest of them. but she didn't and it really p***d me off big time. it was the fact that the child had said it. she should have spoken to me about it if she had a problem with ds.

still plotting my revenge!!

Quattrocento · 17/03/2009 22:41

I dunno there's a point about reciprocity in all this

It sounds as though it is the prevailing custom in your school to have all-class parties - given that you say it would have been impossible to invite all the other people who had invited your DD to a party.

So you've probably been a bit unreasonable in not doing a full shindig

And it obviously matters to the other mums

So really quite unreasonable

piscesmoon · 17/03/2009 22:44

YANBU. I should just be perfectly friendly in future, I expect that she will be embarrassed.
I think it is a problem that you get when people hold whole class parties. It seems mad to me because they are done when the child is small and doesn't mind whether they go or not; by the time it becomes important to the DC, and they care whether they are invited or not, people stop holding them! It would make far more sense to me to hold very small tea parties before they are five ,then small parties and work up to whole class parties when they are 10 or 11. If they are used to not going to many parties it isn't such a problem.