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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be angry my house was wrecked and children not looked after properly.....

151 replies

Amynamechange · 06/03/2009 17:14

AIBU that my house was wrecked while I was in hospital giving birth to my baby?
My dp works abroad and my baby was born nearly 5 weeks early. My sister (in her 30s with no children of her own) offered to come and stay with the dc (aged 10, 4 and 2) in the event of such an energency.
After less than 48 hours in hospital I arrived home to find a mess including the following:
House generally untidy, including hand marks on walls.
Cupboard door broken off a kitchen unit
cat litter had not been changed at all
my lovely old wooden dressing table had 'burn marks', possibly nail varnish
curtains pulled down and just left in two year old dc's room
Tags removed from clothing in my wardrobe etc

DC the older two had been kept up until 3.00am in the morning both nights watching films. Which meant they all overslept and the two year old was left in his cot next morning while they slept.
Two year old dc had terrible nappy rash.
None of the dc looked like they had had hair brushed or washed when I arrived home.

I was close to tears when I arrived home and saw the mess. I mentioned what had happened to my mum who seemed to think that because I had been helped in an emergency I ought to have been grateful.
Luckily I called a friend who helped to put things right.
I didn't actually mention it to my sister, but I think she may have been told as none of my side of the family have come to see the baby in the four weeks since she was born
So, do you think aibu and that I should have been grateful?
Please be honest.

OP posts:

sagacious · 06/03/2009 17:17

Being honest
I would think your sister had no idea on how to look after your children (pre children I would have totally freaked at looking after 3 children)

I agree the up till 3am is {shock] ing
The damage is ...ermmm unfortunate

But they are alive and well and probably unscarred by the ordeal...

So congratulations on your newborn !!

NotQuiteCockney · 06/03/2009 17:17

I think you should have been grateful, tbh. Was your sister used to taking care of your kids? They were still alive. She stepped up, when you needed help, and she helped you.

PlumBumMum · 06/03/2009 17:18

YANBU, Although I would have pulled her up on it right away, shes 30 years of age and I'm sure shes had some dealings with your children that she didn't have to let them run riot and rule the roost by the sounds of things

traceybath · 06/03/2009 17:18

Tricky. Horrid for you but to be honest when i was in my 30's before having children the thought of looking after 3 would have filled me with terror.

Watching films till 3am is madness but how do you know this happened - did she tell you?

SnowlightMcKenzie · 06/03/2009 17:18

TBH if your children are all fine I think you ab (a little) u. Attending to children takes practise and as mothers we begin with a newborn and get challenges presented slowly.

Your sister was probably just relieved that no harm came to them and prioritised safety things

jelliebelly · 06/03/2009 17:18

If she has no children of her own then she probably struggled somewhat with knowing what to do with your three tbh. Don't blame you for feeling tearful when coming home to such a mess although I presume it was your children rather than her who caused most/all of it?

I think you are being a bit unreasonable and probably need to have a chat with her to sort out any ill feeling.

clutteredup · 06/03/2009 17:18

Poor you how miserable - is your DH home now and do you have help - its hard enough coming home with a new baby without having to put up with all that- what a shame your mum isn't more supportive even if she did think you were a bit out of order she might understand what its like when you've just had a baby. Could your DH help to build bridges so your mum comes tround?
Congrats on your new LO.

MrsWeasley · 06/03/2009 17:18

I would be mighty p*ssed off. Your sister should be ashamed!

Coldtits · 06/03/2009 17:19

You did know she had no children, did you think she would be ok looking after yours? Because until I had kids, exactly the same thing would have happened. 3 kids for 48 hours when you're used to no kids at all is a handful.

It's very sad that your 2 year old's nappy was neglected, and your house was trashed, but actually, she did help you in an emergency, meaning you didn't have to fork out for childcare and your children didn't have to go into care until you got out of hospital, which is what happens if you have nobody to look after them.

It's not good that she didn't look after them properly, and not good that she didn't look after your house, but she probably simply did not know what to do.

solidgoldbrass · 06/03/2009 17:19

It's not surprising that you are upset but if your sister has no children and little experience of looking after them she might well have found it hard to cope with 3 kids - particularly if she had to come and take over at short notice.
YANBU to mind but it would be unreasonable to have a go at her, unfortunately.

Supercherry · 06/03/2009 17:19

No YANBU, I would be really pissed off. It's the last thing you needed to arrive home to. I would've expected a tidy house at the least. Maybe she just doesn't understand. It's really sad that your family haven't been to visit too. How are things now?

GivePeasAChance · 06/03/2009 17:20

SOunds like a normal day around here.

Being honest - the kids probably had a great time and you should be grateful that you have a sister who would do such a lovely thing.

squeaver · 06/03/2009 17:21

Agree with sagacious and NQC.

Before I had dd I would have had no idea what to do with one child, never mind 3.

I remember having friends to stay with a 3 month old and asking, in all innocence, "will he want some fish fingers for his tea?". And feeding my 5 yo niece ice cream at 9pm (I had no idea what time kids were supposed to go to bed). at admitting that...

Rhubarb · 06/03/2009 17:24

Ok, being totally honest I think you were dreaming to think your childless sister could look after 3 children for 2 days on her own.

I also think it was very unfair of the rest of your family not to offer to help her.

She may have offered to do it out of the goodness of her heart, but then found it impossible to cope. She would not have known what their routines were or what was and what was not acceptable. No doubt your kids would have played up to her - after all mum's away, here's a childless aunt who doesn't have a clue, let's party!

I think you should go easy on her. It was an impossible ask of her and no doubt she feels a bit of a failure and is grateful that she doesn't have kids of her own!

Your kids were looked after - no-one got hurt, they were fed and were safe. The mess you can clear up, the nappy rash will go. Put it down to experience and tell your sister to do the same. Break the ice now and call her. She's probably scared that she's upset you and made you angry.

And congrats on your fourth!

FrogfishPsychedelica · 06/03/2009 17:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

cornflakegirl · 06/03/2009 17:26

I think you are NBU to be upset. I'm sure it was a huge shock to your sister to have to look after 3 kids, but it was thoughtless of her to not realise that coming home to a house in that state would be the last thing you would need.

However, she did do you a huge favour, so you should be grateful for that. And I would say that it's not worth creating a family schism over it.

FAQinglovely · 06/03/2009 17:26

agree with those who said she probably wouldn't have had a clue. I often have enough trouble keeping it all together (kids looked after and house tidy/not trashed) and I've had 8yrs practice - gradually building up from one child to 3......

Original poster

Amynamechange · 06/03/2009 17:26

My ten yr old dc told me (in front of sister who laughed); I asked why the curtains were on the floor in my two year old dc's room.
She said he had pulled them down after getting out of his cot while they were all asleep until 11.00am after watching the films.
I arrived home at 4.00pm and dc was napping in his cot
It was a bit overwhelming to face all of it when so tired with a newborn to look after and dp not yet home. the house was just dirty, smelly, things broken and the children grubby.
My sister didn't even explain the ruined furniture etc I found it when she had gone

OP posts:

Supercherry · 06/03/2009 17:28

Your sister could've stayed and tidied up the mess when you returned- I know my sister wouldn't leave me in chaos with a new baby- she would ask what I needed before leaving.

andlipsticktoo · 06/03/2009 17:28

No you are NBU.

Surely anyone in their 30's would know it is not appropriate to let a 10 and 4 yo stay up til 3am! That is the bit I would feel most annoyed about.

The other stuff is easily sorted yet annoying, I[m surprised your sis didn't explain the damages and apologise, and possibly even offer to help you fix these things! Then you could forgive her and forget about them.

Poor you. Not what you need after giving birth. Congratulations by the way.

willowthewispa · 06/03/2009 17:29

It sounds like she didn't cope very well, but tbh she helped you out in an emergency, so be grateful for that at least.

slightlyonedgemum · 06/03/2009 17:30

I looked after my eldest niece when my sister gave birth to her second child. She left a list of information (which food was where, what the routine was, when rubbish goes out etc) as she was unsure when it would happen and it was expected there would be problems with the birth.

I didn't have any children at that point but I was an involved godmother and aunt. I thought her organisation was amusing but it meant I was less nervous about being left with a toddler. Did you leave her any instructions/advice?

Personally, I'd be pleased she jumped in when you needed her to (she could have said no) but if I was your sister I'd have apologised for the state of the house and tidyed up after you got back (so you weren't left to do it whilst look after the rest).

PlumBumMum · 06/03/2009 17:30

Your sister is in her 30's, even if she couldn't cope with 3 children surely she is sensible enough to know to clean your house for you when arriving home with a new baby

FAQinglovely · 06/03/2009 17:30

he probably rushed off because she was embarrassed at how she couldn't cope and the state the house had got into.

Is her house usually tidy - or is she just generally a bit messy?

Original poster

Amynamechange · 06/03/2009 17:30

I would have arranged alternative childcare had I suspected. Dp would have been home had dd arrived closer to her due date.
Plus I thought my sister would have been fine with the children, she looks after my step sister's ds for whole weekends at a time, and he is rather a handful.

OP posts:

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