To be angry my house was wrecked and children not looked after properly.....

[Amynamechange]

AIBU that my house was wrecked while I was in hospital giving birth to my baby?
My dp works abroad and my baby was born nearly 5 weeks early. My sister (in her 30s with no children of her own) offered to come and stay with the dc (aged 10, 4 and 2) in the event of such an energency.
After less than 48 hours in hospital I arrived home to find a mess including the following:
House generally untidy, including hand marks on walls.
Cupboard door broken off a kitchen unit
cat litter had not been changed at all
my lovely old wooden dressing table had 'burn marks', possibly nail varnish
curtains pulled down and just left in two year old dc's room
Tags removed from clothing in my wardrobe etc

DC the older two had been kept up until 3.00am in the morning both nights watching films. Which meant they all overslept and the two year old was left in his cot next morning while they slept.
Two year old dc had terrible nappy rash.
None of the dc looked like they had had hair brushed or washed when I arrived home.

I was close to tears when I arrived home and saw the mess. I mentioned what had happened to my mum who seemed to think that because I had been helped in an emergency I ought to have been grateful.
Luckily I called a friend who helped to put things right.
I didn't actually mention it to my sister, but I think she may have been told as none of my side of the family have come to see the baby in the four weeks since she was born
So, do you think aibu and that I should have been grateful?
Please be honest.

I can see that maybe a bit of slackness with food times/bedtimes may occur. Maybe teeth dont get brushed/faces not washed. Perhaps the kids stay up till oooh 10/11:00pm.

But...it is not rocket science to know that most kids would not be allowed to stay up until 3:00am, that a 2 year old needs to have a nappy change at a reasonable time in the morning and will need to be up and having breakfast.

If damage occurs on your watch stay and rectify it. This is reasonable. What the sister did was not reasonable.

Kitty litter, if it stinks it needs to be changed.

Yep, I agree the 10 uear old needs a bit of a bollocking.

"Sorry she should have been able to either cope, or if she couldn't, phone OP's mother or MIL"

maybe she did call for back-up and didnt get it and the OP just doesnt know about it!

OK, I haven't read the whole thread, but from what I've seen there are a lot of folks saying it's to be expected, a woman with no children wouldn't know how to cope with 3 kids. While I have some sympathy with that, when I was 20 my sister had her appendix out. I moved into her house for a week and looked after her husband (well I cooked for him) and her 2 DCs (aged 6 and 8). Apart from a spot of babysitting for them, I had no experience of kids, but they were fed, washed, clothed, taken to school, played with and entertained etc. AND not only were her children well looked after, her house got a spring cleaning because she'd been run down before the appendicitis and things had got into a state. So it can be done! (And yes, I admit that there were only 2 DCs not 3, and they were beyond the nappy stage, but it was a full week not just 2 nights, and I was 20 not 30)

Jammy therein lies the difference-you were being thoughtful and a sweetheart, this lady was neglectful.

My sister is 21 and I have to say she would know better than to leave my house in a mess when I'm tired and hormonal!

It was a big ask though - 3 children including a two year old would be tiring for anyone, especially someone unused to children. Reading between the lines, it sounds as though she had the two days from hell and couldn't wait to get back to her cashmere pyjamas and cream sofas!

fair enough jammy - but don't forget there are those parents that just "get" the parenting instinct and it all kicks in and functions well, and then there's those that when suddenly faced eve with one child genuinely have absolutely no clue what/how/when to do stuff.

Actually, I think I was too harsh in what I posted earlier. .
I think I would have been quite stressed out to come home to a household like that too -- especially with a tiny baby and having just been thru childbirth. So I can understand the OP's initial upset, and OP's mum should have appreciated why OP was inclined to be upset, too.

But the sister did help, however inadequately. Be grateful she did her best and she was willing. Just don't call on her again(!)

Thanks izyboy

And I'm with lljkk in that the OP's mum should have been more understanding.

Haven't read the whole thread but 2 things strike me. 3 actually! I do find it hard to believe that a house can get filthy and smelly in 48 hours. Letting them watch films til all hours is hardly the crime of the century. And what was your 10 year old doing while all this was going on? I would be pretty cross with a 10 year old who didn't help her aunt look after the little ones, and generally be part of the solution, not part of the problem.

I think I would have collapsed in tears on the threshold judging by previous emotional form!

Your children are all still alive and the house isn't exactly wrecked. I'd have been very grateful if anyone had come to look after my 3 kids tbh.

BUT having said that, I'd have been really upset if I'd come home from having a new baby and that had happened. So I think YANBU under the circumstances. Sorry, it does sound a bit grim.

True Seeker its not a crime, but she knew her sister was in hospital and would be exhausted-very unhelpful. Not seeing to the baby is verging on cruelty.

But as I said, what was the 10 year old doing?

I'm torn on this one.

Yes of course you should be greatful, but....

Despite having very little knowledge of children before I had dd, I would not have let you come home to a trashed house 2 days after having a baby, I just couldn't do that to you lol!

With regards to the children, they probably had a great time with their auntie and had lots of fun so I'd let that slide.

But the state of the house, imo from what you've described, I'd be pissed as well. Yes 3 children are a lot to handle when your not used to being around children, but it doesn't take that long to tidy up, surely?

Oh sure the 10 year old should be questioned and shown the error of their ways, if needed . However the adult in these circs is the sister and therefore the majority of the responsibility lies with her.

Oh and new baby or no new baby, I'd never let you come home to a destroyed house.

It was two cats actually but she has cats of her own so I assumed she'd know about litter etc

My mum helped her on the first day until early evening, the second day my parents bought dinner for them. She wasn't entirely without help for the time I was away.
I did ask how the cupboard door in the kitchen came to be broken, but she let my 10 yr old reply. I did leave the house almost perfect (freshly painted walls etc) and didn't expect it to be quite the same, but she'd even allowed the dc to go into my room and meddle with things in it and the preparations for the baby.
She is rather laid back and was lazy as a child, but her own house is tidy.
I wouldn't like her to look after them again. I thanked her for her help before she left and didn't challenge her about anything.I only mentioned to my mum because I had to tell somebody - as I said, I'm pretty sure she told my sister and none of them have been to see the baby - they had been saying they would come the weekend she was born, this changed to "posting presents for her" neither of which have transpired because I'm ungrateful wretch.
Thanks for your replies. It was just so confusing as she did help, but also caused such a mess in a short time it's still not quite right now.
Thank goodness I was able to call a friend and dp arrived early and spent a whole day cleaning!

I'm gobsmacked that anyone should think that a 30 yo is unable of coping for a couple of days with 3 kids. I used to look after my small cousins when I was 17. Yes, they used to play me up something awful, but I was more than capable at that age of feeding them, putting them to bed at a reasonable time, and having a tidy up afterwards.

My 10 year old told me that she herself did the loading and unloading of the dishwasher, and the hoovering. That type of thing.
My sister said she couldn't have managed without her, so I think she did more than her share.

Oh god Amy I feel for you. This sounds like a more complex family thing tho'. I would be a seething mass of resentment but I know this is a very unhelpful emotion. I just know how much you want to relax in a clean welcoming environment (give or take 3 DC!) when you have a newborn.

Well, if your 10 year old was helping she can hardly be taken to task.

The mess doesnt matter.

The nappy could be ignorance (my ds gets rash if a poo goes unnoticed for 10 minutes also changing a nappy properly takes a day or two of practice.)

The 3am could be manipulation (of a pretty easily manipulated person)

But leaving a 2 year old in a cot till midday is horrendous - My toddler would be SO very upset.

And not coming to see the baby is nasty for your relatives. Childish and nasty. Rememberwhat is important is that you have four healthy kids. Don't let their behaviour impactn on your good fortune.

That said I would be very grateful if anyone looked after our 3 for more than an hour. and prekids there is no way I would manage.
I hope you DC4 is well adn that your DP is back to help

Portofino - I genuinely believe there are people that have the "natural" instinct for looking after children, and there are those that have to learn it - and when they learn it its from newborn upwards - not launched straight into 3 walking/talking ones.

I'd done babysitting - I'd even worked in 2 nurseries, I'd taught classes of 40 boys before I had children.

But I can hand on heart say that if you'd presented me with 3 children (and a cat) of those ages for 48hrs and left me to it in their home I would have crumbled within the first few hours.

Yeah but she had help.