To be angry my house was wrecked and children not looked after properly.....

[Amynamechange]

AIBU that my house was wrecked while I was in hospital giving birth to my baby?
My dp works abroad and my baby was born nearly 5 weeks early. My sister (in her 30s with no children of her own) offered to come and stay with the dc (aged 10, 4 and 2) in the event of such an energency.
After less than 48 hours in hospital I arrived home to find a mess including the following:
House generally untidy, including hand marks on walls.
Cupboard door broken off a kitchen unit
cat litter had not been changed at all
my lovely old wooden dressing table had 'burn marks', possibly nail varnish
curtains pulled down and just left in two year old dc's room
Tags removed from clothing in my wardrobe etc

DC the older two had been kept up until 3.00am in the morning both nights watching films. Which meant they all overslept and the two year old was left in his cot next morning while they slept.
Two year old dc had terrible nappy rash.
None of the dc looked like they had had hair brushed or washed when I arrived home.

I was close to tears when I arrived home and saw the mess. I mentioned what had happened to my mum who seemed to think that because I had been helped in an emergency I ought to have been grateful.
Luckily I called a friend who helped to put things right.
I didn't actually mention it to my sister, but I think she may have been told as none of my side of the family have come to see the baby in the four weeks since she was born
So, do you think aibu and that I should have been grateful?
Please be honest.

I'm sorry, but she offered to look after them for 2 days. You had the choice there, you could have said no.

Why didn't other members of your family offer to help out? What about your dh's family? Surely, as she's your sister, you know her well enough to realise that she wouldn't have had a clue what to do with 3 kids? It's a big ask you know. For someone to only has to think about themselves, to suddenly having to cope with 3 children!

And don't forget your children's role in all of this. I'm sure they loved playing up and telling your sister all sorts of porkies about what they were allowed to do.

Forget about it. All these things can be fixed. It's upsetting yes, when you're tired and feeling sore. Can you get someone in to help clean-up?

Your step-sister may not have high standards when it comes to cleanliness though.

And she's used to him, your children she's not used to. And if they say they are allowed to stay up past 11pm watching movies - how is she to know different?

My sister copes really well with DD on her own but is the first to admit that she wouldn't want to look after 2 together. She helped you out when no one esle would/could.

oh yes the lies my 8yr old has told babysitters (and these are people he knows really well and are used to children) - I bet a 10yr old could manipulate the rules very easily.

And one child is much easier than 3 if you're not used to children.

Well if she hadn't done it your children would have been taken in by social services and so disrupted from their usual life. Be thankful for her help and move on. 'Things' can be repaired.

and lets not forget if she's never had a newborn she probably doesn't appreciate how hard it can be to get the cleaning done with one around. She quite possibly thought that as you managed to keep it clean with 3 other children that you could just sort it out easily when you got home.

while i understand the 'be grateful' comments to a degree i don't think you have much to be grateful for if she's made life more difficult for you in the long run. not having kids is no excuse.... i babysat for families with multiple children from the age of 14 and even as a teenager had the common sense to know certain things were completely unacceptable and that babies needed to be changed.

she's a grown woman, i'm sure you didn't expect the house to be pristine but for there to be so much damage and for you 2 year old to have been neglected like that as she was too tired from her own stupidity to get up for him is completely out of order.

no yanbu, to have to come back to that on top of the exhaustion of giving birth and the shock of baby being early and not having your dp there must have been horrendous... i would have broken down in tears i think.

Even the most liberal person might suspect 3.00am for a four year old was a bit much maybe?
It was my poor two year old I felt most upset about, sat in his cot until almost lunchtime with no breakfast. Eventually managing to climb out of his cot and left unsupervised and able to pull down his curtains. - that's why I'm so angry
It was good luck rather than good management he was not hurt.

well lets be honest - it doesn't take much effort pull curtains down - if I had a £1 for every time one of my children has even half pulled down a curtain I'd be quite rich.

My mum would have looked after the dc otherwise or dp's mum. It is only that my sister had just been made redundant and didn't need to arrange time off work etc as they would have needed to do.

Good lord. Granted your sister doesn't have children and therefore might have found it all too much at times, but a person in their thirties could be a bit more, erm, mature surely?
Did you go over important stuff with her beforehand? (You say she'd offered to be there in an emergency, so it wasn't a completely unforeseen situation).
Does she have a shall we say a 'relaxed' attitude to other things generally? I mean, did it completely take you by surprise that this happened?
Really think its sad and not on that your family haven't visited - is it because the others live further away?

Oh sorry, in the huge amount of time it took to post, the thread has already moved on - oops!

It absolutely makes sense that you were pissed off. Yes, your kids staying up that late sounds a bit off, but maybe you can count it as an 'adventure' they had with their aunt? A bonding experience?

She was probably struggling, and found it all hard work. I have two kids, but I'd find 48 hours with three kids I didn't know that well a struggle!

What's your relationship like with your sister, historically?

And is there any chance you're also upset about going through labour on your own, and the surprise, and your DH being away for all this?

OP
Is it fair to say:

YANBU to be pissed off.

but there are factors that deam it YAB slightly U to be pissed off bearing in mind

A, B, C

Also totally understand your anger and upset re your two year old. There is just no excuse that a thirty-something year old would not know that not being available for an infant's needs in the morning (I mean basic stuff like nappy change and breakfast, for god's sake!) is out of order, just because she doesn't have kids of her own.

I#d have hated that too. But it was surely top be expected in the circs.

well if she's not used to kids, and the 2yr old wasn't crying and/or distressed then it is quite feasible that she assumed she (the 2yr old) was ok.

I was a childless 30 something and would have had no clue if left with 3 children for half a day never mind in sole charge for 48 hours.
She probably did the best she could,
I don't often spend even a full 24 hours in sole charge of my own two children. If dp wasnt' around for 48 hours my house would probably end up looking like yours did and with me in a crumpled heap in the middle of the mayhem.

Those who say that 30 somethings should know about babies and nappies and feeding etc - I say no! I didn't! I learned gradually by having children of my own.

I know its stressful having a baby without your dp around but honestly your sister did you an enormous favour having 3 children for 48 hours and you should bury the hatchet and thank her for her efforts, even if they weren't up to your (very experienced mother) standards).

I'm sorry, but on what planet is a 30 year old not sensible enough to realise that children don't stay up until 3am, or that a baby needs its dirty nappy changed, or that it's not reasonable to let your sisters children trash her house???

It's not rocket science to understand that someone who's just given birth is going to want to come home to a reasonably tidy house, not to a bomb-site that she's got to sort out!!

And leaving damaged furniture etc without apologising/trying to fix it??

I think you are being entirely reasonable to be upset, Amynamechange - I would be cross if my 15 year old behaved this irresponsibly!

And to the people who think that she should suck it up 'because her sister helped her in an emergency' - how much help did she really get? Her children were not properly cared for - if a mother left a child in a dirty nappy to get nappy rash, people would be calling it neglect, not saying that people should be grateful!!

YANBU. The mess and chaos is understandable from a childless woman - hell, not sure my house would be fit for human habitation tidy if suddenly caring for 3 - and if it'd just been a bit of rulebreaking and mess, then you really should have been grateful regardless. But neglecting a 2 year old (and not feeding/changing promptly, leaving in the cot, alone, till lunchtime, is neglect) is completely appalling. No excuse at all for that one. Even a childless person should know that a baby's physical needs trump everything, and are non-negotiable. I doubt the mess and silly schedules would have bothered you much if all the kids had been clean and well fed, right?

My house (which two dc's) can go from pristine to wrecked in a matter of minutes let along 48 hours.

I was 29 when I had my 1st child. I didn't realise nappies needed changing regularly.