To be angry my house was wrecked and children not looked after properly.....

[Amynamechange]

AIBU that my house was wrecked while I was in hospital giving birth to my baby?
My dp works abroad and my baby was born nearly 5 weeks early. My sister (in her 30s with no children of her own) offered to come and stay with the dc (aged 10, 4 and 2) in the event of such an energency.
After less than 48 hours in hospital I arrived home to find a mess including the following:
House generally untidy, including hand marks on walls.
Cupboard door broken off a kitchen unit
cat litter had not been changed at all
my lovely old wooden dressing table had 'burn marks', possibly nail varnish
curtains pulled down and just left in two year old dc's room
Tags removed from clothing in my wardrobe etc

DC the older two had been kept up until 3.00am in the morning both nights watching films. Which meant they all overslept and the two year old was left in his cot next morning while they slept.
Two year old dc had terrible nappy rash.
None of the dc looked like they had had hair brushed or washed when I arrived home.

I was close to tears when I arrived home and saw the mess. I mentioned what had happened to my mum who seemed to think that because I had been helped in an emergency I ought to have been grateful.
Luckily I called a friend who helped to put things right.
I didn't actually mention it to my sister, but I think she may have been told as none of my side of the family have come to see the baby in the four weeks since she was born
So, do you think aibu and that I should have been grateful?
Please be honest.

YANBU how horrendous to have to come home to that after just giving birth. Theres absolutely no excuse for a 30 year old woman to leave a toddler in it's cot until lunchtime. Poor little thing. Even if she is childless common sense would tell you to feed and change the baby.

My younger sister is 26 and doesn't have kids yet. She would have been able to look after 3 kids fine. Also my DSD who's 16 could do it too.

I feel for you with a family like that. Congratulations on your newbie btw.

It all sounds a bit sad. Although if your dd was doing the hoovering and it was only two days and it was clean before you left I'm not sure how everything could have got filthy so quickly. But then my children are now eight and nine, so less inclined to create chaos.

My only caveat would be that my ds is nearly 10 and I really wouldn't trust him to tell me the complete truth, especially if he got into his stride and thought that you appreciated the effect. 11pm could easily stretch into the early hours, and getting up late for him would be after 9, but for effect culd easily be stretched too. dd (8) would be even worse, the stories I have heard about sleepovers have been interesting to say the least (you would imagine that no sleep had been had at all).

I think that you are not at all unreasonable to be really upset, but it doesn't sound like your sister knows your children very well or has much of a clue. If you don't know small children well I don't think you would understand quite how much supervision they need, especially if you are laid back, and imagine/hope that all is fine if there is no noise. I wouldn't leave my children for a long time with someone they didn't know too well and that I wasn't sure would know what to do, but you were obviously in a difficult (and probably quite scary) position. I hope you and your new baby are thriving now.

The not visiting is rather sad, and that would upset me a lot.

Well clearly this delivery did not go according to plan and was not ideal.

However you seem to be casting your poor sister as the villain of the piece and not the hero.

As far as I can see you expected her to drop her own life for 48 hours, look after 3 kids including a toddler, single handed, when she has no experience of having children herself. You expected no minor mishaps or minor damage to your house, furthermore you expected her to clean the house for you and do all your housework to boot. I think you should be very grateful to your sister and not focus all your anger and frustration onto her. What would have happened if she hadn't looked after your children for you, could you actually have arranged something better yourself for 3 kids? A 24 hour nanny and a cleaning firm would probably have cost you £2k after all.

This must have all been a shock and far from ideal, but you now have four healthy kids, all is well in the schemem of things, imo you owe a big debt of gratitude to your sister and you will probably damage the relationship if you don't acknowledge this. I have definite sympathy with both of you about this but I have more sympathy for your sister tbh.

This thread has also acted as a sorry warning to me about offering to help other people!

I'm furious on your behalf!
Thats absolutely awful.

I can understand that she may not have done things the way you normally would, and even that she may have struggled a fair bit but to leave your 2 year old in his cot all morning without feeding o changing him just to get a lie in - thats disgusting!

I can also understand that things may have got broken/damaged, but she didnt even tell you about them or apologise.

It sounds horrible, but please dont dwell on it. Your kids are all ok now and you and your Dh are home, so just focus on your new addition and try and get a little rest if you can.
Congratulations! x

But Podrick, this was not a commercial arrangement, because she is the children's aunt. It's not about saving money or anything like that, it was an attempt to organise some family-based emergency care in the best interest of the kids. That is what families are supposed to do when things get tough, help each other out.

Instead of really doing her best, to support her sister at a time when she would have been very scared and worried, the sister basically just did the absolute minimum by being physically present in the house and little else, from the sound of it. She just behaved as the mood took her, as single childless people are able to.

Accordingly most of us have made an accomodation for the state of the house and a bit of rampaging on the part of the children, who would have been unsettled at the turn of events. But removing that from the equation, the sister appears to have neglected the toddler and put him/her at risk by not bothering to get up in the morning, as a consequence of her own behaviour the night before and her preference for a lie-in. For someone of 30, frankly this is off the scale of selfish, and on that basis alone I think we're all howling in protest.

If this had happened amongst my kids, first of all I would have been there when the new mum came home to make sure everything was ready for her arrival, and secondly I would have kicked the sister up the backside verbally for neglecting the toddler.

I guess there is a difference between neglecting a toddler's needs through indifference and laziness (which is clearly dreadful and highly reprehensible behaviour)and neglecting them due to ignorance of what a toddler's needs actually are. I have to own that at 30 I wouldn't have had any idea whatsoever as to what a toddler's needs are - is it evident whether or not OP's sister knew?

Surely you don't have to know lots about toddlers to realise they a nappy change and breakfast! And that small kids do not stay up past midnight.

Oh come on, anyone would realise you don't leave toddlers sitting in poo all morning, or that if they have climbed out the cot pulling the curtains down this is potentially dangerous.

Podrick really? You are cutting the sister a huge amount of slack! She was not just clueless but neglectful! As for the parents they have latterly shown reprehensible behaviour aswell.

The thing is, she was not struggling on her own, she had the help of the grandmother for large amounts of time.

She really took the piss in my opinion. If she didnt want to help whole heartedly, she should have been honest and said that she would not be able to cope. The grandmother would have had to step in instead.

Well OP you know how to behave when your sister or mother need help in the future, do the absolute bare minimum.

Having said that, the reason I arranged for an elective cs for DC2 was due to a lack of childcare options. Some of us just dont have family with a warm bosom.

But the op says she hardly sees her family and relations are strained so personally i wouldn't have asked the sister to provide the care or if that had been the absolute last resort i'd have done the following:

• left detailed crib sheets for chilren's routine/cats/household stuff
• got friend to drop in and check all was ok
• phoned from hospital

I had an early baby with number 2 but being massively organised or rather anally control freaky i'd got lots of food in the freezer etc ready for my DH and other child.

It sounds to me as though unfortunately this was doomed to failure from the start.

I'm currently pregnant with dc3 and have a DH who works crazy hours so am resigned that i will have to pay for the extra help i'll need.

It is mean they haven't visited though but unfortunately babies do not always bring families closer together.

Yanbu, even if she does not have children herself, she is supposed to have a bit of common sense!

I am very surprised at anyone giving her excuses, I would be fuming!Mess is one thing but brocken cupboard doors, and pulled down curtains? what have they been doing? And your poor toddler in the cot!

Well I don't know whether the sister realised that lie-ins are not possible when you have a toddler, and that this is because it is dangerous to leave a toddler unsupervised.

I have to admit that pre-kids I didn't know these facts . I hadn't had any experience of looking after kids and am not blessed with much common sense either
Obviously I would have realised my errors once they had been made and felt awful, but I probably would have made some howlers...if the sister did know this stuff though it was clearly shocking behaviour and I certainly wouldn't ask her to look after my kids again.

What I don't get is why OP was suprised about this turn of events and why she asked her sister to help out with no idea that this would result? Is it out of character?

I'm not sure I could look after 3 kids by myself now let alone before I had DD.

The fact remains that whether you think she did it well enough or that there underlying issues she still came through for you when you needed her......

I have not read all of the replies, too many.

YANBU to be cross.

YANBU to be upset that they have not been to vvisit newborn. personally I think this is shocking.

However as rubbish a job as sister did, it sounds the intent was good and that maybe it was all just too much for her.

A big hug, a sorry and a "how on earth do you manage it" would not go amiss from her.

Its not worth properly falling out over Congrats on baby

This is obviously very difficult - but it might just be worth checking that the children did stay up until 3 am and the baby was in the cot until lunchtime. I know that my children have exaggerated on more than one occasion (usually to make it sound exciting!.

Just a thought....

The sister has cats herself though, and didn't even do the litter tray. So ignorance wasn't necessarily an excuse.

YANBU - I would have been livid! you have an early baby to care for and the last thing you needed to see was chaos when you came home - what was your mother thinking not jumping in and helping out anyway?

Thank goodness for friends

I think the state of the house speaks volumes as to whether the kids were properly supervised - or whether someone was exaggerating. Wardrobe pulled over, curtains pulled down. Pod, I am sure that even as a woman without kids you would have realised that it was time to get up when the 2 year old started howling. She must have purposefully ignored the kid.

Um we don't know whether the two year old howled or not do we? It does all sound a bit disastrous, but none of us knows what actually happened here do we?

Oh and I have always had cats, but until this year, never a litter tray. If I wasn't told I wouldn't have expected to clean it during a two day stay, and I certainly wouldn't have wanted to!

Well, even if that has not been explicit what 2 year old is going to sit patiently until nearly midday in a shitty nappy? Highly, highly unlikely. My understanding is that this is when some of the damaage occured in the bedroom.

I really feel for the OP and you have every right to be so upset. Establishing DC4 in the family is not an experience you can get back and it was ruined for you.

But if it makes you feel any better about your sister, I had to call on mine recently and she was rubbish, and she's a primary school teacher. Basically DD2 blinded me temporarily while I was settling her into bed after my sister and I had driven home from her's. She stayed on to help out with DD1 and DD2 but was tearful by the afternoon and went home the next day (DH took time off work). So I was actually there and DH was home for bedtime and she had to cry off .

sorry haven't read all thread so sorry if already said

i really do feel for you must have been a shock but for someone to look after 3 children who isn't a parent probably had trouble adjusting and getting a routine going

as you know yourself it has to be quite military some days just to get things done and find time to get things done

the fact she tried and failed would indicate she struggle dbut children were obviously happy and maybe played on auntie being there A TINY BIT AND PROBABLY ACTED OUT AS YOU WERENT THERE SETTING THE RULES sorry not shouting

just let it go as an experience you wont be repeating im sure she meant no harm but just didnt know how to handle 3 children and do everything else at same time

i as kid would run wild if someone else was looking after me as i knew my mum wouldnt know and id play up so maybe this is what they have done and if you havent had children before you would be way out of your depth knowing how to handle it

Mmmm. My little sisters are in their early twenties and I know they would have done a better job than this, and they've never looked after kids before. It doesn't take much to realise that if you've just gone into hospital to have a baby (without your dp there - that must have been tough?) that you would want to come home to a bearable (not spotless) house. You don't need to have had children to know that you need to change a baby's nappy, or to put kids to bed at a reasonable time. She sounds like she wasn't really thinking much about anyone's needs other than her own, and that's very upsetting. I can't believe some people have said you're being unreasonable to be upset by this - it's completely realistic to expect your family to be there for you at such a precious time, and to help you out with gusto rather than just doing the bare minimum. Added into all of this are the raging post-birth hormones... I'm not sure how you've managed to deal with this and look after 3 kids and a newborn!! I take my hat off to you, and I hope you've got some decent support in place now.