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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be angry my house was wrecked and children not looked after properly.....

151 replies

Amynamechange · 06/03/2009 17:14

AIBU that my house was wrecked while I was in hospital giving birth to my baby?
My dp works abroad and my baby was born nearly 5 weeks early. My sister (in her 30s with no children of her own) offered to come and stay with the dc (aged 10, 4 and 2) in the event of such an energency.
After less than 48 hours in hospital I arrived home to find a mess including the following:
House generally untidy, including hand marks on walls.
Cupboard door broken off a kitchen unit
cat litter had not been changed at all
my lovely old wooden dressing table had 'burn marks', possibly nail varnish
curtains pulled down and just left in two year old dc's room
Tags removed from clothing in my wardrobe etc

DC the older two had been kept up until 3.00am in the morning both nights watching films. Which meant they all overslept and the two year old was left in his cot next morning while they slept.
Two year old dc had terrible nappy rash.
None of the dc looked like they had had hair brushed or washed when I arrived home.

I was close to tears when I arrived home and saw the mess. I mentioned what had happened to my mum who seemed to think that because I had been helped in an emergency I ought to have been grateful.
Luckily I called a friend who helped to put things right.
I didn't actually mention it to my sister, but I think she may have been told as none of my side of the family have come to see the baby in the four weeks since she was born
So, do you think aibu and that I should have been grateful?
Please be honest.

OP posts:
FAQinglovely · 06/03/2009 20:07

noonki - maybe your toddler would - I had a thread ealier today documenting the 2 1/2hrs that DS3 was upstairs in his cot on his own (he's 21 months)when he was supposed to be having a nap he whinged/cried for a total of 6 minutes - and the only reason I had to go and get him was because I had to do the school run. I honestly believe I could have left him up there entertaining himself (no toys in his cot, and he can't climb out of it - yet.....) for at least another 1/2hr-1hr!

FAQinglovely · 06/03/2009 20:07

she had help until the early evening on the first day, and had dinner brought to her on the 2nd........that's still not a lot of help if you're lacking the "natural" instinct.

BoffinMum · 06/03/2009 20:10

I think this woman sounds very immature for 30+, a total kidult.

I used to babysit as a teenager, as did my friends, and we could all have done better than this. If not, I would have had the good sense to call a mate or my mum for backup, because kids come first.

The kids running slightly riot and trying it on, I can understand. The house being messed up, I can understand. However leaving a filthy baby/toddler in a cot all morning without breakfast and presumably crying for attention is tantamount to neglect.

YANBU. She should have at least kept the children clean, safe and fed. Bottom line.

izyboy · 06/03/2009 20:11

I am no 'natural' but I would know where the boundaries lie and what would need to be done to make life easier for my sister when she comes home with a newborn

izyboy · 06/03/2009 20:12

BoffinMum, exactly.

BoffinMum · 06/03/2009 20:14

PS I would give your 10-year-old a pocket money bonus for being so responsible, btw. Good work there.

Stayingsunnygirl · 06/03/2009 20:23

Aged about 25, I babysat 5 children for a week whilst their parents (friends of mine) went on holiday. The parents came home to a tidy house and 5 well-cared-for children (and one healthy cat).

ComeOVeneer · 06/03/2009 20:24

Tags removed from your clothes in wardrobe? What exactly do you mean by that? Also a bit bemused as to why your mum is close enough to be there to help out, but has to post presents rather than deliver them?

independiente · 06/03/2009 20:27

Personally, in the circumstances (ie. understanding that running a household of 3 children and a cat is hard if you're not used to it) I would have overlooked the untidy house/damage if the kids had been properly taken care of. Wouldn't have minded either if they hadn't been bathed, wouldn't have been overly fussed about the cat litter. Well, privately would have been very annoyed at rest of family not chipping in to make sure I didn't have to come home to that! But would have let that part go with sister, as the help with the kids would have been appreciated. IF the kids had been taken care of properly in terms of basic things like eating and sleeping.
BUT the nappies business, staying up til 3 am, and no breakfast for an infant that eventually gets out of the cot and pulls down the curtains...?!!! Sorry, but actually that's crap. I have been a 30 year old without children, and I know lots of the same - some of them 'naturals', some really not. I don't know any of them that would have let a 2 year old niece or nephew go unattended.

noonki · 06/03/2009 20:31

FAQ - i'm sooo envious!

Portofino · 06/03/2009 20:37

FAQ - I see your point, but the dcs aren't all toddlers. I still think a bit of common sense would have seen her through - even if it was very stressful for her. Mind you - i know you have 3 boys and i have 1 girl so i should probably shut the feck up!

independiente · 06/03/2009 20:40

Actually bothered to go back and read the whole thread, now... So your sister actually wasn't totally alone. She had help from your mum for most of the first day, and she didn't have to cook dinner for them all the second day? Plus your 10 year old helped with the chores? And she has cats of her own, so she knows what to do with litter trays?
Well. YAmost definitelyNBU!

FAQinglovely · 06/03/2009 20:51

noonki - i'm still in shock - I wished it had been the weekend actually - just to see how long he actually last up there before he got fed up LOL

noonki · 06/03/2009 20:54

oh you've got to give it a go, sounds like he is having fun!

Divvy · 06/03/2009 20:54

FAQ...sometimes, lil dont want a sleep, she wants to go and play in her cot...so I let her!

Pollyanna · 06/03/2009 21:07

I would be very pissed off at my 10 yo if the house were in that mess tbh. (plus my older children would know about leaving the baby in bed etc)

I think yanbu - both your mum and your sister (and your eldest dc) seem to have lost all their common sense. but when I was in hospital having ds2 last April, I was there 2 days, but did speak to people at home while I was in there - were you not able to check on your children while you were in hospital?

Original poster
Amynamechange · 06/03/2009 21:19

Comeoveneer - I don't understand the tags on clothes being removed either. I had some unworn clothes non-maternity and gloves etc hung in my wardrobes and on shelves, when I returned several tags had been pulled off and were on the floor of wardrobe. So somebody (dc or sister) had been through my wardrobes.
Apparently ds (2) when closed in his room alone was able to pull over his wardrobe (10 yr old told me earlier this evening) and apart from the obvious danger to him (although was light weight beach hut style wooden wardrobe) my eldest dc was left to put all the (previously) ironed clothes away.

They all live 40 mins drive away, which is why they suggested posting gifts - not that they have, but I care little about that!

I feel like cutting them off completely at the moment. Would that be unreasonable I wonder.

OP posts:
SalBySea · 06/03/2009 21:28

"I feel like cutting them off completely at the moment. Would that be unreasonable I wonder."

Even though I think YABU to be annoyed at your sister, I think THEY are being REALLY unreasonable by being cold to you when you've just arrived home with a new member of the family

I would generally forgive a woman who's just given birth any act of selfishness or outbursts etc, and not be hurtful back - its a time when I think those around you should smile and nod and be there and not expect much in return. New mums are allowed to be selfish and emotional and ecstatic and erratic etc.

If their coldness gets you down then I think YANBU to do what you need to do for you and your new baby and your other kids

MrsFreud · 06/03/2009 21:31

Amy I would be more upset about my own mother not coming to see her new grandchild than anything else. That's outrageous. There must be some weird dynamics going on with your sister and her and you - none of my business obviously but I sympathise with you. All hands to the pump surely when there's a newborn on the way.

Maybe on one level your sister is jealous of your brood...

izyboy · 06/03/2009 21:32

Amy sounds like it was a riot house! Oh gosh well, I suspect this is not unusual behaviour by your parents. Their loss?

Jajas · 06/03/2009 22:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

solidgoldbrass · 06/03/2009 23:52

It sounds to me as though there is more going on than just your sister not being very good at coping with 3 children. Did your mother not want you to marry your DH, or did she think having a fourth child was a bad idea or something? Or is there more history than that?

ilovespagbol · 07/03/2009 00:04

YANBU - I'd have been well pissed off but am even more disgusted at family members not coming to visit. That is just plain rude to you, your family and most of all your new baby. Congrats by the way!

Original poster
Amynamechange · 07/03/2009 00:32

jjs - yes there is a history to the behaviour, present delivering etc they nearly always send presents days/weeks late (no idea why) I used to get cross about it, but they'll never change and is frankly not worth the anxiety.
sgb - I don't think my mum was excited at the idea of a fourth child, but they/she have always been cold towards me and I'm used to that and so understandably they haven't been as interested in my children as they are in my step-sister's child.
My sister is a little the same as my parents and they only see the dc a couple of times a year (which is fine, their decision).
Dp has been wanting to phone and tell my parents about leaving me in a mess with the baby to look after, but I won't let him. They are the sort of people to avoid confrontation at all costs, so there is little point challenging about anything. Which is why I'm in trouble (at my age) for daring to complain about the 'help' I received.
Izyboy - no it is not unusual behaviour for them.

My goodness, I hadn't really thought any deeper than my sister and the house and dc, funny what does come out, underlying issues and so on

OP posts:
Original poster
Amynamechange · 07/03/2009 00:41

The wardrobe was pulled over one of the mornings he was in his room.
I believe my sister was watching tv when the furniture was broken. I don't think she did any housework; the litter tray 'scoops' hadn;t been taken out, dc10 did the dishwasher and hoovering. She didn't make any meals, just ate takeaway meals.
So that should have left her with undivided attention to the dc
The nappy rash was actually very bad too, took over a week to clear up.

OP posts:
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