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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be angry my house was wrecked and children not looked after properly.....

151 replies

Amynamechange · 06/03/2009 17:14

AIBU that my house was wrecked while I was in hospital giving birth to my baby?
My dp works abroad and my baby was born nearly 5 weeks early. My sister (in her 30s with no children of her own) offered to come and stay with the dc (aged 10, 4 and 2) in the event of such an energency.
After less than 48 hours in hospital I arrived home to find a mess including the following:
House generally untidy, including hand marks on walls.
Cupboard door broken off a kitchen unit
cat litter had not been changed at all
my lovely old wooden dressing table had 'burn marks', possibly nail varnish
curtains pulled down and just left in two year old dc's room
Tags removed from clothing in my wardrobe etc

DC the older two had been kept up until 3.00am in the morning both nights watching films. Which meant they all overslept and the two year old was left in his cot next morning while they slept.
Two year old dc had terrible nappy rash.
None of the dc looked like they had had hair brushed or washed when I arrived home.

I was close to tears when I arrived home and saw the mess. I mentioned what had happened to my mum who seemed to think that because I had been helped in an emergency I ought to have been grateful.
Luckily I called a friend who helped to put things right.
I didn't actually mention it to my sister, but I think she may have been told as none of my side of the family have come to see the baby in the four weeks since she was born
So, do you think aibu and that I should have been grateful?
Please be honest.

OP posts:
Jajas · 06/03/2009 18:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FAQinglovely · 06/03/2009 18:11

so was the 2yr old crying and distressed? If so - fair enough.

There have been several a few occasions when I haven't fed my DS3 his breakfast or changed him out of his PJ's until close to lunchtime. Has he been "neglected" - hell no - he was happy as he was and would soon have let me know if he wasn't!

TheRealSecretLemonadeDrinker · 06/03/2009 18:12

yanbu - I didn't have children at 30 and still would have made sure the hosue was welcoming for you to come home to. sending you a hug - what a horrid start

FAQinglovely · 06/03/2009 18:12

ahh sagacious - I was the opposite (at 21) I thought they needed to be changed after/just before every feed - god we got through SO many nappies.

ellingwoman · 06/03/2009 18:13

Amy - if you have been stewing about this for 4 weeks then it's not good for you or the baby. Let it go and invite your folks over. It's small potatoes honestly.

Flibbertyjibbet · 06/03/2009 18:17
FAQinglovely · 06/03/2009 18:17

RealSecret - how would you have managed that if you were struggling with the children as well.

I can't do much housework with my DS's around (well I do sometimes manage a little - but it's pretty pointless as 5 minutes later it's back to how it was before).

Jajas · 06/03/2009 18:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FAQinglovely · 06/03/2009 18:18

well said Flibberty

izyboy · 06/03/2009 18:18

She really should have stayed behind to tidy and help to get things in order for you. At 30 she should know better. Granted it would be daunting to be in charge of 3 kids but I know I would have pulled out all the stops in her shoes to make things ok for you. I would be very angry in your position. However congrats on your new arrival try not to let it spoil things too much.

SalBySea · 06/03/2009 18:19

TBH, being the same age as your sister (and also childless unless one in the oven counts) I wouldnt have a CLUE how to care for 3 kids, a cat AND keep on top of all things domestic!

I would offer to do so in an emergency if someone close to me didnt get a better offer but I would think it an achievement if they just stayed safe, healthy and happy in my care. Ya know, no broken bones or major upsets. i dont think as an "amateur" I could manage much more such as keeping well on top of their grooming and house keeping.

My mum always says that her fav babysitter when I was younger always left the house upside down but she was the one I was happiest with so therefore she was the best babysitter (even though she was the messiest). I think I'd feel the same. Safe happy kids trump clean tidy kids and cat(yeah both is best but thats some achievement for probably even experienced carers never mind a clueless childless person like me)

Jajas · 06/03/2009 18:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FAQinglovely · 06/03/2009 18:27

oh blimey - I hadn't registered the cat either

izyboy · 06/03/2009 18:33

Sal I would agree if it was about a bit of mess that could be tidied away but there was actual structural damage! The baby was left in the cot all morning and the other kids up until 3am. There is a big difference between messy fun and complete lack of responsibility.

MumGoneCrazy · 06/03/2009 18:33

My 19yr old sister occasionally babysits my 3dc and while she is lazy and hates housework of any kind (even taking her empty cup out to the kitchen )she knows that all kids need a reasonable bedtime proper feeding at regular nappy changes and up until 6months ago i had 2 in nappies but i always came home to 3 clean happy well fed sleeping children so i ignored the messy house its all about common sense sometimes

Although i doubt she'll be offering her babysitting services in 6months time (im 11wks pregnant with our 4th lol)

iloveairplanejelly · 06/03/2009 18:39

I think this is disgraceful. She should be ashamed of herself.

Maybe she doesn't have children, but any idiot can change kitty litter, and be considerate of other people's things. I'd leave my 25 year old boyfriend 3 children if I had to. He has no children, but I'm confident he wouldn't let a baby develop nappy rash nor leave him in his cot until 11am. That is just lazy.

If I were you, and it were my sister, I'd tell her that I felt let down and not at all supported.

claireybeemine · 06/03/2009 18:40

I'm not surprised that you were upset to come home to such a mess but I also think there was no way your sister would have been able to look after your home and children to the same standard that you do.

I know when I looked after my friend's 3 for just 2 hours it was complete chaos, I didn't know what they were allowed to do, what I should tell them off for, even what an appropriate way of telling them off was. I didn't know which one to watch, while I was playing with the 2 year old the 8 year old went upstairs and put nail varnish all over her bedroom wall, while I was sorting that out the middle one fell and banged her head on the fireplace...

As a parent you do get used to juggling your kids and you also know how to handle them. Plus you have made the rules so you know exactly what the boundaries are. Lets face it your kids were probably pushing those boundaries and seeing just how much they could get away with. 3 am is ridiculous but maybe one (or both) wouldn't settle and she just didn't know how to get them to.

My sister looked after my dd for a few hours after I had ds and although she got dd dressed it didn't even occur to her to brush her teeth or do her hair, I think when you don't have children you just don't think of everything that needs to be done-or are able to find a way to get it all done.

It would have been nice if your sister had stayed and cleared up when you got home though.

JackBauer · 06/03/2009 18:45

I can see why you were upset, I cried when I came home and no-one had hoovered but I reiterate that it is hard lookign after kids.

I looked after my 2 year old niece one day as an emergency favour for my sister and she ended up with awful nappy rash as I was honestly expecting her to tell me she needed changing!
I also had her up until 11pm as she just wouldn't go to bed, she just kept crying. And then she woke me the next morning by jumping on me as I wasn't tuned in to hear her waking and climbing out of her cot and was used to sleeping in, maybe same thing happened?

Needless to say if anyone treated my kids like this now I would be furious, even though I did it myself....

I can't rememebr who said it on this thread but maybe you are projecting your feelings of surprise/shock on the early baby onto this situation?

2rebecca · 06/03/2009 18:47

3 children and a cat sounds awful if you've none of your own. Why should she be good at it just because she's your sister. I've not got cats so would have no idea how often cat litter needed changing and the cat would be a low priority if I had 3 children to look after. The 10 year old maybe could have mentioned the cat litter to your sister, or changed it, sounds as though they got into the "wild weekend" spirit instead.
The mess is unfortunate, but did you have a chat to her when you got back about how she'd found things. It may have been the most stressful 48 hours of her life.
My son often pulled his curtains down. I don't regard that as major neglect. Having a late breakfast once in a while won't harm him and I presume at 2 he could walk and go into her room and wake her up. My kids would have at that age as they were then in beds not cots.
I suspect most of the mess (tags off clothes, burn marks) was the children not her (I'd hope so anyway) She maybe didn't realise how much supervising children need.
On arriving home to a mess I'm not surprised you were upset, but I've had kids and wouldn't want to look after 3 kids and a cat.

cory · 06/03/2009 18:53

On the one hand, the structural damage is the most upsetting.

On the other hand, I assume that the structural damage was done by your children, so that is the hardest to blame your SIL for.

Were was the 10-year-old when all this was going on? Perhaps he/she could have helped with a few gentle hints?

DandyLioness · 06/03/2009 19:14

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Message withdrawn

lljkk · 06/03/2009 19:15

So don't ask her to help when baby-5 is due?

Some people are clueless. That's just life. This incident really isn't worth getting tied in knots about. Is OP angling for an apology? What good can come out of nurturing this resentment?

SalBySea · 06/03/2009 19:16

how much instruction was she left?

did you leave details of their regular routines, daily things that need doing etc?

I had cats as a kid but the "went" outside so havent a clue how often kitty litter is changed, although I'm pretty sure that friends who have cats dont do it every day so I prob wouldnt have done that either (unless instructed to do so). Is it daily? every other day? weekly? I genuinely dont know.

I think you might have assumed too much knowledge and should have left her some cheat-sheets about daily routines and bed times and up times etc

WriggleJiggle · 06/03/2009 19:22

Personally I'd be pretty upset with the 10yr old. They DO know the rules and should have been able to practically run the house. 10yr olds are pretty capable things. They would have known what the usual routines are and should have helped your sister.

Infact, having thought about it more, I'd be very upset with your eldest for being so irresponsible, and adding to the disruption and chaos when they should have known better.

Did you leave an instruction / routine sheet for your sister?

Shoshe · 06/03/2009 19:24

The sister is 30 years old, presumably not SN, and reasonably intelligent.

Sorry she should have been able to either cope, or if she couldn't, phone OP's mother or MIL.

Any 30 year old who couldn't at least do that, has no sense.