...to want to stop being friends with someone because she's sending her dc to private school?

[Rosy]

I've been friends with someone for a few years, and even though she's very posh herself (big house, privately educated etc.) she's always told me how committed she is to the state system. Now it comes to it though, she's decided to send dc to private school. Her catchment school is about as good as you can get (taking, as it does, the children of other people in big houses), so she doesn't have the excuse of "I'm not prepared to sacrifice my child's education for politics" thing. The thing is, she's not the kind of person I would normally be friends with, but I put aside the prejudices I would normally have because we discussed this, and she agreed with me that it's unfair to buy your child an advantage like this. Now I feel like I've been stupid and I should have gone with my prejudices all along.

WinkyWinkola, IME, and it is from only my experience I speak, the people who brag about how well their DC are doing are the ones at schools they pay for, or people who have compromised their principles(converted to catholicism) to send DC to a 'better' state school.

I know people with high achieving DC who have attended the local comprehensive, in poorer catchment areas, who never brag.

Interesting thread. I like hatwoman's posts.

I am opposed to private education, grammar schools, faith schools, home education, single sex schools and, as you can imagine with all that ideological baggage, have practically no friends whatsoever who agree with my position! I would instantly become completely friendless, not to mention a nasty judgemental meanie, if I dropped friends on the basis of their schooling choices.

However, partly because I sometimes feel I'm in a bit of minority in my views on schooling (and some other things), I do sometimes feel attracted to the few other people who seem to share my views, pretty much purely on the basis that they do share my views, though clearly the friendship wouldn't go far if there weren't other things we thought were great about each other. I also often really, really admire people who seem to think outside the default position that their culture and life experiences might usually dictate. I can well imagine feeling especially drawn to someone whose lifestyle and experiences seemed clearly to point the likelihood of them choosing a particular stance on something, almost without considering the alternatives, but who had in fact chosen to do something different. If they then reverted to the view they had so overtly rejected and that had formed the basis of my attraction towards them and the friendship hadn't grown and developed to encompass other things, I suppose I would be pretty disappointed. Mind you, profound agreement and admiration on some issue of fundamental importance alone is not enough to make a true friendship either. Otherwise Desmond Tutu and I would be best friends on the basis of our love of rum and raisin icecream and we're not. We haven't even met.

OP - I find it interesting that you seem to think your DC's school is a good school just because the parents of the children who go there live in big houses. There is so much more to a good school than where the parents live IMO.

You seem to have a chip on your shoulder.

YABU.

Joined in late but as someone who works in a very good selective independent school that offers bursaries just wondering if you were politically opposed to private education but were offered a free education for your child because you were on a low income - would you still refuse? Or is just the fact that some can afford it and some cannot that offends.

Indeed, motheroftwo. Or the other side of the coin, whether the OP is such a supporter of state schools that she would send her dcs to the local school even though it was sink.

BTW, near me is a secondary school that is smack in the middle of a desirable conservation area in London with good transport links. It is the worst school ever.

I think the crux of the matter is that by sending her child to private school rather than your local state school ,she has sent out the message that that school is 'not good enough' for her DC and so i can understand you feeling a bit hurt by that.

wrt private schooling i am not at all sure it is about doing what is best for the child's education.I think it is often about making new connections and networking wityh other parents and unfortunately somtimes social climbing.

YABU Anyone in their right mind would "buy their child an advantage" like this given half a chance.
Sour grapes maybe?

Also as it is unfair for her children to have an advantage, I take it you will be sending yours to a camp in darfur instead of the local comp, just to keep in level?

I agree with KatieStar.

can I just query something here?
Why do people assume that a child being sent privately is going because they 'reject' their choice of school- and in particular that that rejection is based on the idea that the local school is not good enough?

The reasons I sent my DD to a private school ( and DS1 for that matter) have very little to do with the quality ofthe local state schools which are very good.
My choices were based more on wanting DCs in single sex schools and because , with DS2's needs, I wanted as many activiies within school time and under school supervision as possible as outside school clubs are so difficult.
But several people on here seem to think that if someone chooses a different school it must mean thatthey look down on the other choices. I really don't understand that. Don't we all have different perspectives and view different things as important?

pagwatch I'm going through this at the moment, as have opted to send DS to a private secondary for reasons similar to yours yet lots of my "friends" are being very huffy with me now as they assume I'm implying that the local secondary isn't good enough for my son. It's not that at all - I just feel the other school is more suited to his needs and ours as a family. We're no better off than our friends - but we choose to drive cheap cars and spend no money on the house and pay for education, whereas they choose to spend it on nice cars and big TVs. It's just down to personal choice in the end....

Thirtysomething said 'We're no better off than our friends - but we choose to drive cheap cars and spend no money on the house and pay for education, whereas they choose to spend it on nice cars and big TVs. It's just down to personal choice in the end....'

But you see thirtysomething,that post reads as being very judgmental to me ...

katie
I am incredibly lucky to have the additional choice of priavte and i absoloutely recognise that many people don't have that - whether they would then choose to or not.

Many of my friends could work as hard as they liked and scrimp as much as they liked but could still not afford it.

Most of my friends though understand why I choose what I choose. Some would too if they could. Some could but prefer to usetheir local state school and spendtheir income elsewhere and others never would in a million years.
All perfectly valid IMHO

BTW - I know your last post wasn't addressed to me but I felt the need to clarify my experience

katiestar I'm sorry if it sounded judgmental - it wasn't meant to be at all.

I was trying to explain that as far as I can tell, we have similar incomes to our friends yet we have chosen to spend our money on school fees, whereas some of our friends drive Mercedes etc and we have an old banger. if we chose to spend our money on a new car we wouldn't have the money for school fees. If they chose to spend their money on fees, they wouldn't be able to afford their Mercedes.

So it's all about personal choice in terms of how you decide to spend your money. i wouldn't stop talking to them because they drive a big car any more than I would expect them to stop talking to us because we spend money on school fees. that was the point I was trying to make

I'm sorry if it sounded judgmental or caused offence to anyone - was hastily typed whilst getting kids ready for a party, so probably didn't come out right.

depends, as others have said, how she discusses your choices for your DCs - if she suggests you are failing your children for not sending them to private school then YANBU - but if she still supports you in your decision with DCs then stick with her - see if she changes much once shes spent a few weeks in the posh playground!

Surely the point is that Rosy has discovered that her friend is a hypocrite, and therefore not the person that she thought she was?

you are all being a bit unreasonable to give her such a hard time, imo!

Every mother naturally wants the best for their child and if you can't respect the choices your friend makes in her role as a mother then I don't think you deserves to have her as a friend. If you are a mother yourself you must appreciate that mums will do what they instinctively feel is right for their child at the time, even if this differs to thier long term beliefs. Everyone, surely has the right to change thier mind.

How did you end up with this thread?

shes well shot of you and all your prejudices. never mind hope she meets some nicer people who are genuine and dont judge so harshly

YABU what the hell does it have to do with you where she sends her child?

If I had the money both mine would be in private school

THIS IS AN OLD THREAD!

Not shouting at you alann, just to let people know when they come to post.

I was on this first time round I seem to remember...

The OP is nearly a year old alann what has made to dig this one up?

Gosh I said something quite clever sounding too!

a year old or not.knobtastic thing to consider