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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

...to want to stop being friends with someone because she's sending her dc to private school?

168 replies

Rosy · 05/03/2009 21:09

I've been friends with someone for a few years, and even though she's very posh herself (big house, privately educated etc.) she's always told me how committed she is to the state system. Now it comes to it though, she's decided to send dc to private school. Her catchment school is about as good as you can get (taking, as it does, the children of other people in big houses), so she doesn't have the excuse of "I'm not prepared to sacrifice my child's education for politics" thing. The thing is, she's not the kind of person I would normally be friends with, but I put aside the prejudices I would normally have because we discussed this, and she agreed with me that it's unfair to buy your child an advantage like this. Now I feel like I've been stupid and I should have gone with my prejudices all along.

OP posts:
Mintyy · 05/03/2009 22:42

"So what things are they allowed to think differently about, and what things are they not allowed to think differently about?"

Georgi, I'm not sure if this a question directed at me but if it is, the answer is, as far as I am aware, I am not friends with anyone who votes BNP, wears fur, or educates their dc privately.

I don't really know what that represents percentage-wise of those who I would choose not to nurture friendships with - maybe 5%, 7%? - but I still feel very lucky to have a lovely mix in my friendships.

Hulababy · 05/03/2009 22:44

mintyy - is it just private education you oppose? What about people using selective schools, grammar schools, faith schools, single sex schools, etc? What about people who move to a more expensive house to be in a good school catchment? What about people who use tutors or groups like Kumon to coach their children in subjects?

georgimama · 05/03/2009 22:45

So what are you going to do if they suddenly send their child to private school? Drop them like the OP?

noonki · 05/03/2009 22:46

georgimama - it's pretty obvious if you discuss current affairs if someone is rightwing, no?

Mintyy · 05/03/2009 22:48

Private education and faith schools, Hula, from your list.

And I am not militant about it either, btw.

I just feel I understand the ops reaction to what her friend has done.

georgimama · 05/03/2009 22:49

Not necessarily. Do you discuss politics with every single one of your friends, regularly?

What are you going to do if they vote Tory for one election, such as a council seat, then vote Lib Dem for the general election? Blank them until they rehabilitate themselves in your eyes? Do your friends have to keep you informed of their political leanings?

How do you have the energy to care so much about this? I am mystified.

noonki · 05/03/2009 22:52

georgia - it's not that they vote tory but that they hold the view points that make it possible for them to even consider them as an option.

blueshoes · 05/03/2009 22:52

Mintyy, you are not militant against the use of private schools.

But you can understand why someone would go so far as to ditch a so-called friend for using private schools. Huh?

Where is your sense of proportion?

jellybeans · 05/03/2009 22:53

Yanbu.

debs40 · 05/03/2009 22:56

I agree hatwoman. We all have different values and give those values different weight.

I am a socialist. I don't like private education, selective education, faith schools etc etc. Would it break a friendship? Probably not if I could see why the person chose the way they did and the person was someone whose other values matched my own.

For example, I have a friend who makes some from dodgy remarks about some things.I know we don't think the same way about everything. She sees her family unit as everything, and refuses to see herself as part of a bigger picture - politics etc is just boring. But she is a deeply kind person and has helped me alot. We have become very close over the last few years and she would always be there for me on a personal level.

I've never discussed what she votes but would hazard a guess - tory! But this is a tory area and it would be surprising not to.

I would not drop her because of this or a choice she made about school.

However, I have a very old friend. We went to the same northern comp and stayed friends through uni and after. She is pompous, left leaning and full of crap about houses and schools etc. But she is not a good friend. If she sent her kids to private school, it would make me think what's the point?

Don't know if that makes sense but I think sometimes these issues/values seem like they could stop a friendship but if one develops, I and it is a good one, don't throw it away on this.

myredcardigan · 05/03/2009 23:05

I find it bizarre that you would limit your friendships to those who share your political philosophies.

Good job I don't share that view or my kids would not be here!

ScottishMummy · 05/03/2009 23:05

rosy,your post is peppered with prejudicial language "not the kind of person.." and tittering's about a prosperous woman

do you genuinely select friends on a socialist perspective?if someone doesn't adhere to your ethos are they dumped?

you say Friends
has she supported you
is she funny
do you get on
why must you surround yourself with like minded folk.are you so sensitised to divergent views

god you must be a barrel of laughs berating this friend about her child education

lighten up

hatwoman · 05/03/2009 23:06

[small hi-jack - debs I replied to a post of yours under self-employed re legal research. not a very helpful or informative reply I hasten to add ]

myredcardigan · 05/03/2009 23:10

Meant to add, what about shared experiences etc such as going to uni together. Are they not grounds for friendship? DH and I both have many good friends from uni, all following different paths in life with different ideologies. If anything, it makes it more intersting when we see them.

Some of our best nights have been dinner parties where those with opposing political views banter across a table of good food and wine.

We use private school but it doesn't define me. It wasn't a given or even an ideology. It was a measured decision based on our circumstances and needs.

Mintyy · 05/03/2009 23:29

Blueshoes: yes I can understand. I believe I disagree with your pov on this particular matter but am not sure that warrants an accusation of having no sense of proportion.

Anyway, off to bed it is with me. Enjoy the rest of the debate.

cory · 06/03/2009 07:34

If somebody is genuinely racist or sexist then I agree it might make friendship difficult. But am I the only one to have deduced (from my motley circle of friends) that it is possible to vote Tory (and even send your child to private school) without being either? And that it is even possible to vote Labour and have your child at state school and still hold the most objectionable views.

verylapsedrunner · 06/03/2009 07:35

YABU

debs40 · 06/03/2009 07:48

[Hi-jack bacl - Ta Hatwoman - will go and look. Am getting website - very exciting!}

HecatesTwopenceworth · 06/03/2009 08:06

It shouldn't matter to you what choices your friend makes.

If she is sneering at you for your choices, or slagging you off for them, or judging you..they would all be very valid reasons to end the friendship.

But if she is simply making a personal choice for her children, then that is none of your business. She had a pov, a theory. When it came to it, when it was a reality, her kids in front of her, what should she do, what should she do..?? she made a different choice. Fair enough. That's up to her.

Before I had kids, I swore they'd never have a dummy. That people who gave their kids dummies were neglectful and using them to shut the kids up . I made all sorts of judgements (on that and many things). I think I lasted a week before I went and bought a set! When I went into hospital to deliver ds2, I took a pack with me!

Do you see what I am saying? What you think about something when you are not in a situation where it's relevent can be VERY different from what you think is best when you are facing it.

She's not sending her kids to private school to get at you, or to send a message to you, or for any reason in any way connected with you. It's about her choice for her kids, not about you and you shouldn't be trying to hijack it.

Do you like her? Does she like you?

You don't have to only ever have friends that are exactly like you in every way, hold the same opinions on everything, grew up next door and have the same bank balance. It is extremely enriching to have friends from all backgrounds, with opinions that differ from and which challenge yours. As long as you respect each other and each others right to make choices that are different from yours, and there are no aspects of them that are unforgivable or repugnant to you (eg for me, such a trait would be racism or spitefulness).

LucyEllensmummy · 06/03/2009 08:07

I don't agree with private education, i think it creates an elitist system, but to the OP YABU because if i could afford to send my DD to private school i would. It is OK to make sacrifices yourself, but not to impose your beliefs on your children. Only if i genuinely thought my child was going to do better in a state school would i not send private. As it stands, she will be going to a state school. The primary school she will go to is excellent and i actually have a friend who teaches at a private school and could have sent her kids there. But she chose the state primary as its reputation is better. We are lucky in that respect. But the secondary schools here are dire unless you can get to grammar. Im not sure my DD will.

It is totally unfair though.

LucyEllensmummy · 06/03/2009 08:08

A friend of mine was trying to justify sending her extremely bright child to private school - she is doing absolutely the right thing. She is uncomfortable with it (or claims to be she is very PFB) but she will do better there. Im quite relieved the girl is a bad influence on my DD

Divineintervention · 06/03/2009 08:18

In prinicple it's a terrible thing but as soon as my own ds was suffering at a state school I went private.
YABVU and childish.

OrmIrian · 06/03/2009 09:10

I keep politics, religion and money out of my friendships. It isn't possible for everyone to think the same. And I don't even know all my friends' views on the above.

The only time I've ever doubted that policy is when I was subjected to a long lecture on the horrors of socialism and the huge insurmountable difficulties of the state school system by an older friend, in spite of my frequent attempts to steer the conversation into neutral territory. I didn't want to have a row so I just sat and listened to her rant.

I do feel a bit differently about her now I must admit.

Ineedmorechocolatenow · 06/03/2009 09:11

YABU and judgemental, prejudice and downright silly.

I've taught in both the state and private sector (both have their benefits and drawbacks) and, though my principles mean I wouldn't send my own DC to private school, I certainly wouldn't stop being friends with someone because they did.

TsarChasm · 06/03/2009 09:17

'she's always told me how committed she is to the state system'

Hmm. Sounds like you are the one with the strong views and commitment and she probably just said that to avoid an argument at the time.

I probably would have said the same for a quiet life. I hate being forced into justifying myself. Her views are clearly different when it comes down to it. Yabu and sound a bit jealous.