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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

...to want to stop being friends with someone because she's sending her dc to private school?

168 replies

Rosy · 05/03/2009 21:09

I've been friends with someone for a few years, and even though she's very posh herself (big house, privately educated etc.) she's always told me how committed she is to the state system. Now it comes to it though, she's decided to send dc to private school. Her catchment school is about as good as you can get (taking, as it does, the children of other people in big houses), so she doesn't have the excuse of "I'm not prepared to sacrifice my child's education for politics" thing. The thing is, she's not the kind of person I would normally be friends with, but I put aside the prejudices I would normally have because we discussed this, and she agreed with me that it's unfair to buy your child an advantage like this. Now I feel like I've been stupid and I should have gone with my prejudices all along.

OP posts:
Hulababy · 05/03/2009 21:54

Mintyy - so you would actively discrimnate against someone who did not have the same beliefs as you?

I also think that believing in BNP views is VERY different to what is being discussed here.

I am so glad I have friends who are friends with me because of me, and not my views or choices on education for my DD!

Do those who feel it is okay to reject an established friendship, or reject friendship possibilities, because a person uses private ed also thing this about anyone who uses a grammar school, a selective school, a faith school, a single sex school, or someone who moves house to be in a better catchment school?

Can you imagine this thread the other way round and the uproar it would cause?!

"I am going to dump my firend because she sends her child to a local state school and not the private/grammar/selective/faith [delete as you feel free] school I prefer!

Maria2007 · 05/03/2009 21:54

I think YABU. Particularly if this is the only reason you want to ditch her for.

However. I do see Noonki's point. Belief systems- e.g. about politics, racism, religion, things like that are important. It doesn't mean we choose or ditch friends on that basis; but I tend to find that the friends I'm closest to are the ones with whom I have quite a lots of things in common. I can accept though (and I have a friend like that) that some people have completely different belief systems / or ways of living, and you can still get along really well. It just happens less often, I find. But that's why I think YABU.

Oh and by the way. Sharing belief systems with someone & finding that important- although not the only factor- (when choosing friends) doesn't equal wanting to be exactly the same with your friends. And also; some things are more important than others. For example, I don't think I could ever be good friends with someone who is a homophobe or a racist. Maybe for the OP private education is a very central issue? (I'm just saying, for the sake of argument).

SilkyDemon · 05/03/2009 21:55

I think YABU. I am a left wing socialist and am at total odds with the political viewpoints of some of my Tory voting friends. Generally speaking, we don't venture into the realms of political discussion. Occasionally, though, we have debated private education, capital punishment, etc, etc over a few bottles of wine and I've enjoyed it. The differences between us enriches us. We'll never change each others' opinions but that's not the point. I love them because they're my friends and we've been through life together and that's what matters to me. I don't believe that you're simply jealous of your friend's ability to pay for private education but, like other posters, I do question whether you were really friends to begin with?

Mintyy · 05/03/2009 21:55

And I'm surprised you can't see my pov Georgi but there it is. Am surpsied at the balance of opinion on this thread but am not bothered by being in the minority. There always is a minority after all.

lisad123 · 05/03/2009 21:56

If i could afford to buy my daughter an eextra advancage in life i certainly would, hell why not!!
So she has money a big house and wants to send her kids to private school, but hey, shes still a person!! You dont sound like a nice friend at all.

georgimama · 05/03/2009 21:56

I just want to know how you go about ensuring that your friends are people who think exactly the same way as you. I don't usually get a questionnaire out when I meet new people.

Ronaldinhio · 05/03/2009 21:56

yabu imho

TheFallenMadonna · 05/03/2009 21:59

Oh, I'm going to go slightly against the grain here I think. I think I would be a bit knocked sideways by someone making an about turn like this, if it were something I felt strongly about. And the OP does suggest that it isn't just a matter of changing her mind about what school to send her children to, but a decision that goes against her previously stated principles and those of the OP.

I have friends who have and act on different principles to me. We argue debate and agree to differ. Or we just don't talk about it at all. But that isn't the same as this.

I would automatically end the friendship, because that's rather childish. But I would feel differently about the person I think. Until perhaps we'd talked about it some more.

Mintyy · 05/03/2009 22:01

My friends do not all think exactly like me Georgi, and of course you know that.

noonki · 05/03/2009 22:02

Georgimama - I have friends from all backgrounds; posh, and not, rich(ish) and dirt poor, I judge people on nothing except on what they believe in.

And I would find it hard to be good friends with someone who held the ideals that allowed them to vote tory.

i enjoy discussing current events and couldnt bear to hear some of the views that they would have (about immigration, society, community, human rights, housing, the economy).

i would be able to be friendly, have a conversation and get on with them on a certain level but no as friends.

TheFallenMadonna · 05/03/2009 22:02

wouldn't automatically end the friendship...

TheFallenMadonna · 05/03/2009 22:03

Ah, now I could be friends with someone who had different principles to me. I am.

But it's the saying one thing and doing another that makes me

pointydog · 05/03/2009 22:06

saying one thing and doing another also makes me a bit fed up.

however, stick with it, rosy. You might get over it and continue to have an ok friensship

spitty · 05/03/2009 22:10

I like eating pies

ingles2 · 05/03/2009 22:14

well I think that is really short sighted Noonki.
I haven't got very many RL friends, but the ones I have are all wildly different. If they have views that are opposing to mine, we avoid the subject, They all have something wonderful about them though. And who's to say they won't change their opinions over time... my politics, views are massively different from when I was in my 20's!

ingles2 · 05/03/2009 22:16

the difference with this though is that she has probably taken into account her partners views. Choosing to wear fur or support the BNP is a solitary decision.

georgimama · 05/03/2009 22:17

But they must do, if they have to vote how you vote, educate their children how you educate yours etc etc. It's madness, and limiting, and presents a limited world view to your children.

Mintyy · 05/03/2009 22:24

No they do not Georgi.

georgimama · 05/03/2009 22:26

So what things are they allowed to think differently about, and what things are they not allowed to think differently about?

And what does Noonki do about people who don't tell her how they vote?

hatwoman · 05/03/2009 22:27

I do think Rosy has raised an really interesting point - about what makes a friendship. I don't think there's anything wrong with including shared values such as politics as important to you in forming friendships. It's certainly not shallow or selfish. It's just how some people are. some people rank "having a good laugh" v. high.

I'm also a bit mystified at some people's ability to seperate values from a person's identity. for example Hula refers to her friends liking her "because of me, and not my views or choices on education for my DD!". to some, including me, my views and my choices on education are part of me, iyswim.

having said all that I have often pondered the fact that some of my dearest friends are, quite simply, my oldest - ones with whom I have a common history - school or university. the extent to which I share "values" with them varies hugely. but I love them all fiercely

Hulababy · 05/03/2009 22:29

But my views on education, or rather the decision to send my DD to private school, is such a tiny part of me and who I am. I hope my friends chose to be friends with me for much more than that.

noonki · 05/03/2009 22:30

Georgimama - of you knew the far ranging people I am friends to and related to you would not think it could be limiting.

I have friends and relatives from every echelon 9sp?) of society. from all over the world, of many different religions and who think a wide ranging view on many things.

Yet there are somethings that I hold dear, if they were racist,sexist, snobs (inverted or not) I wouldn't be bothered to be friends, I have more than enough good friends to not be around people who find things I find important not.

georgimama · 05/03/2009 22:34

I'm sorry to persist in this, but how do you know that none of your friends vote Tory? That is what I want to know. Do you ask them all? What about ones that don't vote at all? Do you have a quiz to check their latent inclinations?

I find this very very strange.

I am also surprised you think every person who votes Tory is a sexist, racist snob. Presumably you don't know any Tory voters, if that is what you think.

katieloveskitty · 05/03/2009 22:36

YABU. People are allowed to change their minds especially on biggies.

hatwoman · 05/03/2009 22:39

hulababy - I think you;ve hit the nail on the head there. they're a tiny part of you, therefore not important. but to some people these things are a big part of them. not only do people have different views and values the importance they attribute to them varies

we have views and values on such a huge range of things - some might be desperately important and non-negotiable (racism is a good example), some we have a view on but don;t really care (liking 80s pop music). I can see that views on education probably hover somewhere in the middle for a lot of people.