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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

...to want to stop being friends with someone because she's sending her dc to private school?

168 replies

Rosy · 05/03/2009 21:09

I've been friends with someone for a few years, and even though she's very posh herself (big house, privately educated etc.) she's always told me how committed she is to the state system. Now it comes to it though, she's decided to send dc to private school. Her catchment school is about as good as you can get (taking, as it does, the children of other people in big houses), so she doesn't have the excuse of "I'm not prepared to sacrifice my child's education for politics" thing. The thing is, she's not the kind of person I would normally be friends with, but I put aside the prejudices I would normally have because we discussed this, and she agreed with me that it's unfair to buy your child an advantage like this. Now I feel like I've been stupid and I should have gone with my prejudices all along.

OP posts:
JazzHands · 05/03/2009 21:26

Maybe her DC got scholarship to school with excellent facilities for whatever the scholarship was in

mrsjammi · 05/03/2009 21:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Hulababy · 05/03/2009 21:29

So she changed her mind - so what? It is allowed.

I remember going through a period of time thinking we would use state education for DD. Our catchment school is very good (at least on paper). But for lots of reasons we chose private in the end. We weren't being hypocritical. We just changed our minds when looking at all the options and what each school had to offer. Wrap around care for example, at the time of choosing, was very important to us - and private had the best option.

blueshoes · 05/03/2009 21:32

Rosy, could you have afforded to send your child to private school?

Why is it so important to you that your friend sends her children to state school?

georgimama · 05/03/2009 21:34

You are entitled to be ideologically opposed to private education - for your family. Not anyone else's.

My friends and I don't agree about lots of things. We respect each other's differences and celebrate what we share.

Do her a favour and ditch her. You can't like her much if you are considering dropping a friendship for this.

WinkyWinkola · 05/03/2009 21:35

Well, let's hope you never change your mind about some personal life choice and lose friends because of it. What a weird reason to dump a friend.

I don't think she'd want to be friends with you anyway if she knew of your silly prejudices.

There's a whiff of the green eyed monster .............

georgimama · 05/03/2009 21:36

I want to know what these "prejudices" were that you put aside in order to be friends with her. Was it "I don't like posh people?"

ingles2 · 05/03/2009 21:36

What are you talking about Mintyy??????
OP is prepared to ditch a friend because they now have differing opinions and she's trotting out lines like "overcoming prejudices to become friends"
Doesn't sound like the op is idealogically opposed to private schooling to me, sounds like she can only cope with friendships with her own social/economic boundaries , and that, is commonly known as jealousy!

rookiemater · 05/03/2009 21:37

YABU.

Firstly she might be playing it down like mrsjammi says.You sound idealogical and perhaps to her the friendship was important enough for her to try to play down some of her beliefs.

Secondly she is part of a couple and her DH is entitled to have his thoughts on the matter as well.

If it was just my decision we would send DS to the state school for primary at least. However DH is very keen for him to go to private school as are GPs who want to contribute towards it. As I work and the private school is much more geared up for wrap around care and holiday clubs, then I have compromised and we have signed DS up for the private school.

You don't know why she has chosen private school. If you really want to know, why don't you just ask her in a friendly non accusatory manner. Actually best of not bothering as I can't see that particular chat going v well.

Mintyy · 05/03/2009 21:37

Blueshoes - what is your point when you say:

"Rosy, could you have afforded to send your child to private school?"

Its not my op but I am posting as the only other person on this thread who thinks the op is nbu.

I really am interested in why you posted that question.

ABetaDad · 05/03/2009 21:40

Don't stop being friends over this issue.

About half our friends send their kids to good state schools and about half are going private. Some will and have switched both ways.

georgimama · 05/03/2009 21:40

I'm really interested to know why you think the OP is not being unreasonable Minty. Is this what we should do with people when they change or differ from us in opinion? Dump them?

noonki · 05/03/2009 21:41

I get where you are coming from.

I would find it near on possible to be friends with someone who voted Tory. I would struggle with the private ed thing in that given situtation.

It is somewhat shallow.But generally we choose friends who have a similar value set as ourselves. Private ed is something I feel strong against (though struggle with it as an issue, where we live the schools arent great unless you are lucky.

None of my friends have yet sent their kids, and tbh I don't know how I would feel if the local schools where decent.

To all of you that think she is being unreasobable. Are there things that would make you question a friendship; racism, snobbism, sexism,the way they treat their kids. If so you may understand where she is coming from.

To some of us that fact that private education exist is abhorent and anyone that supports that system is assisting in maintaining the class/money system that is unfortunatley rife in this country.

It is not inverted snobbism or jealousy, rather the fact that the private system perpetuates much what is wrong in this country.

Mintyy · 05/03/2009 21:41

Fair enough Ingles, I am projecting my own feelings about private education onto op.

But do you accept that it is possible to not wish to send your child to private school even if you can easily afford it?

thirtysomething · 05/03/2009 21:41

it's a bit like saying you've decided not to be friends with someone because you thought they voted labour (or whatever) and found out they actually voted lib Dem/Tory/Green whatever. TBH doesn't sound like you are actually friends anyway if it's all being rationalised to such a degree. if I like someone I like them. end of. I don't go through a process of weighing up my prejudices vs friendship potential and then making a decision. So to me it actually sounds like you're trying to justify not being friends any more when maybe you just don't like her?

ninedragons · 05/03/2009 21:41

It sounds to me like you are trying to put a veneer of politics over your jealously.

YABU.

georgimama · 05/03/2009 21:43

Noonki - do you grill all your friends about how they vote? What if they lied to you - how would you know?

I am really amazed at people who need to be friends with people who think exactly the same way as them.

Wezz · 05/03/2009 21:44

YABU

you either like the woman or you don't

make your mind up

SalVolatile · 05/03/2009 21:45

"she's not the kind of person Id normally be friends with"...why? Because she's 'posh'? Or did you find yourself liking her despite your prejudices? I only ask because I lost someone I thought was one of my very closest friends when my dcs went to private secondary school and hers didn't, even though the dcs still meet up in holidays and socialise whenever they can. She's dropped me and Dh from her social circle, and it hurts. Her excuse is that she sees everyone else daily. Yeah, whatever. As someone else has said, you weren't a friend in the first place if you can drop her for making different choices to you.

ingles2 · 05/03/2009 21:47

Of course!
But I don't think that's the situation here.
IMO Rosy could cope with friends wealth/poshness as long as she didn't rub it in her face... now she can't...
not much of a friendship really.
I feel sorry for posh friend, I wonder if she has any idea how Rosy views her.

electra · 05/03/2009 21:47

YABU - it's none of your business whatsoever. Some friend you are(!)

Mintyy · 05/03/2009 21:47

Georgi - I am strongly opposed to private education. I am also strongly opposed to the BNP. And I really can't be doing with people who wear fur.

So I wouldn't make an effort to maintain a friendship with a BNP supporter, fur wearer, private school educator. I would quietly distance myself from him or her. "Dump her" was lazy shorthand.

georgimama · 05/03/2009 21:49

I think there is a bit of a difference between a BNP supporter and someone who sends their child to private school. I'm surprised you can't see this.

Hulababy · 05/03/2009 21:49

noonki

"I would find it near on possible to be friends with someone who voted Tory. "

Really? Do you ask them or grill them on their political beliefs first ebing making friends? What about those who refuse to say their political beliefs?

georgimama · 05/03/2009 21:50

That's what I want to know Hulababy.