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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

...to want to stop being friends with someone because she's sending her dc to private school?

168 replies

Rosy · 05/03/2009 21:09

I've been friends with someone for a few years, and even though she's very posh herself (big house, privately educated etc.) she's always told me how committed she is to the state system. Now it comes to it though, she's decided to send dc to private school. Her catchment school is about as good as you can get (taking, as it does, the children of other people in big houses), so she doesn't have the excuse of "I'm not prepared to sacrifice my child's education for politics" thing. The thing is, she's not the kind of person I would normally be friends with, but I put aside the prejudices I would normally have because we discussed this, and she agreed with me that it's unfair to buy your child an advantage like this. Now I feel like I've been stupid and I should have gone with my prejudices all along.

OP posts:
mm22bys · 06/03/2009 09:23

Do you feel aggrieved because you feel she effectively "lied" to you about her principles? Do you feel you can't trust her anymore?

Every parent has to do the best by their children, look at all the Labour pollies sending their kids to private school.

If it's just her stance you disagree with and hence want to stop being friends YABU.

If you feel like you don't really "know" her anymore YANBU.

flowerybeanbag · 06/03/2009 09:33

I'm fairly principled about state schools myself for various reasons, but it certainly wouldn't stop me from being friends with someone who chose to send their DC private, how bizarre. And comparing it to the BNP or wearing fur is a bit far-fetched.

I shudder at the prospect of voting Tory, but I have friends who I think probably do. Some Tories are nice people you know. They try and hide it but it creeps out.

tigermoth · 06/03/2009 09:36

Lots of people change their minds about private and state education - what they believe in theory and then what they do in practice for their child can be so different. Think of all the leftie politicians and famous people who send their own children to private schools. IMO it's just not practical to hold people to their original ideas on this.

If you like your friend, stick with her. If you don't like her, wave goodbye. In the end, it's how your friend makes you feel. Not logic to it, just your gut feeling.

docket · 06/03/2009 09:43

I cannot believe that someone would seriously drop a friend for this reason. It's her business, not yours. I think she should drop you for being so prejudiced. Ugh.

choochoochaboogie · 06/03/2009 09:51

Friends should be friends, regardless of social or financial status, sex, age, colour etc etc etc. If you can't get over your prejudices and be a friend then you are obviously not a good friend - SUMO - Shut Up and Move On.

donnie · 06/03/2009 09:55

yes, you are being unreasonable. But you already know that don't you? or else you would have revisited your own thread!

abraid · 06/03/2009 09:56

This thread is reinforcing my prejudice about the intolerance of certain left-wingers.

I vote Tory (not always). I don't give a shit what my friends vote or where they send their children. We're friends because we share other things: a love of books or music or a sense of humour; or a desire to work in our communities to make them better. By doing things like starting playgrounds or helping out at sports clubs so that children have the best opportunities available.

spokette · 06/03/2009 10:07

In the words of Freddie Mercury

Friends will be friends,
When you're in need of love they give you care and attention,
Friends will be friends,
When you're through with life and all hope is lost,
Hold out your hand cos friends will be friends (right till the end)

YABVU.

Gorionine · 06/03/2009 10:10

Yabu without a doubt!

duchesse · 06/03/2009 10:13

There may be reasons for not being friends with someone any more (no longer compatible for example), but changing your mind shouldn't be a good reason. I'm surprised you feel the need to ask if YABU. You must know you are.

littlelamb · 06/03/2009 10:17

Haven't read the thread but yes YABU. I went to a private secondary school (on a scholarship) and tbh there is a world of difference between the level of education I recieved there and the one I would have had at the local comp, where I spent one year and hated. I could never afford to send my dc to private school but if I could I would without a doubt. WOrth noting though that at my school I was in the last year that offered assisted places- once labour were in it was one of the first things they stopped. From the teachers I am still in contact with, they say that it has made a difference to the school - previously people were generally there because of their academic ability, as there was an entrance test (I've no doubt there were some people there purely because of what they could pay though). Now they are there purely because they are loaded and I do think that's wrong- a good education should not depend on how much money you have in the bank. So yes, in a way private education is unfair and too exclusive but your friend is nbu. If she can afford it then good for her.

janinlondon · 06/03/2009 10:34

From the other side of the fence.....several people stopped talking to us or blanked us when we chose to send DD to a prep school after nursery. At least one of them has now applied for her state primary educated daughter to attend a leading independent girls' school. I don't know how she reconciles it with her conscience, but to be honest if she was that shallow it wasn't a loss to us....

ForeverOptimistic · 06/03/2009 10:43

YABU.

piratecat · 06/03/2009 10:51

o grow up, find something to be concerned about fgs. Why ARE you her friend? She prob thinks the same of you.

MrsSeanBean · 06/03/2009 11:00

she's not the kind of person I would normally be friends with

MorocconOil · 06/03/2009 11:05

I've got a friend like this. She sends her DC to the top national private schools, spending an absolute fortune. Mine go to the local primary in an inner-city area. She claims to be a socialist, and we have stayed friends over the years because fundamentally we like eachother.

I have noticed a superior attitude developing recently. Her eldest DS has mocked my DS1's handwriting even though he is 3 school years ahead. She always looks abit irked when I talk positively about the DC'S state education. Once when we went to collect my DS from school in her 4x4after I got out, she locked herself and her DC in the car, as though they were at risk outside our scruffy school. That bloody annoyed me, and confirmed she is a snob.

I've cooled the friendship a bit because the superior attitude does get me down, and I get sick of hearing about their wonderful schools. I know my DC are getting a much better education in the long run but don't feel the need to defend it. I do like one of her DD very much, and miss seeing her though.

Gorionine · 06/03/2009 11:25

mimizan, I think it is not quite the same to,like yourself, cool a friendship because she changed andis not anymore the person you liked. The Op gives the impression that she wants to stop the frienship before she knows wether her friends attitude is going to change or not. Unless op comes back with more detail, she will stay unreasonnable IMO. You on the othe hand are not.

WinkyWinkola · 06/03/2009 11:46

I'm not going to discuss my DCs schooling with anyone.

What if I lose friends because they go to a school my friends don't think is appropriate?

And what if my friends think that I'm bragging when I say that my DCs private school is great and they're doing well there?

But it's not bragging to say my DCs state school is great and they're doing well there?

Far better just to not discuss this kind of thing. I'll be keeping schtum with a tight lipped, "They're doing ok, thanks for asking," because it's such a contentious area!

ScottishMummy · 06/03/2009 12:14

isnt that a wee bitty paranoid and precious? you will come across flaky to not discuss dc school progress.

do you expect flack from other people

WinkyWinkola · 06/03/2009 12:30

I'm only thinking of the OP's response to her friend....is this normal?

pagwatch · 06/03/2009 12:42

Actually I have experienced this from the other side.

I was ( I thought) really good friends with a woman who I met when our DDs were at nursery.
My eldest DS1 was at private school and i neveer hid that DD would probably go to the local girls school. We have very different financial circumstances but I never thought it bothered either of us - we just seemed to have the same sense of humour and felt very similarly about lots ofthings that we talked about - and where we didn't we respected each others views.
Then when our children started school it just fell apart.
I thought her DDS school was lovely and her DD was very happy their. The girls when they got together played as they had always done but whenever we met she would raise DDs school and be rude about it.
I tried for months saying 'look we differ but I can't defend myself every time we meet' but it did no good. Ultimately I just had to stop seeing her.

I occasionally cross her path in town and we ask about each others children but I think it is sad. In many ways I miss her but at a time when other things were very difficult for me I could not set myself up to be her punching bag every time we met.

OP - you should think about whether this is really what you want. If this woman means anything to you perhaps you should try to accept that sheis entitled to hold different views to you.
But tbh your OP sounds as if you never really liked her much.

mm22bys · 06/03/2009 12:50

Spokette,

that's true, but how many people find it easier to be friends with people whose chips are down, than when their chips are up?

randomname · 06/03/2009 12:52

Is the issue she lied by saying she was going to use state education then did not or the fact she is using private?
If it was the first then maybe deciding not to be friends because she mislead you is the right thing for you, If it is the second and you dont want to be friends with someone who pays for education regardless of the fact you were quite happy before then YABVU in my opinion.

Pendulum · 06/03/2009 12:59

I have experienced a similar situation. My DD has just started school and one of the mums in my ante-natal class 'rejected' the school that DD goes to in favour of a v expensive private school. While we haven't seriously discussed politics, we have bonded over Guardian articles (!) and I think we share common principles that I would describe as leftish on most things. It was a surprise when she chose to go private and I think she feels a little uncomfortable about it (although I imagine this will wear off when she gets used to it). She seems to feel the need to justify it to me, so I have listened to her talk about her reasons quite a lot. TBH it is slightly awkward because by implication she is saying that DD's school (and the state sector) is not good enough. I suppose I could get exercised about that if I wanted to, esp as DH is a state school teacher. However, I really value her friendship, she has been one of the kindest people in the world to me and ultimately she has made a decision for her own family, which is none of my business. I would say that that is the difference between my situation and the OP's, who seems never to have fully considered this woman a true friend in the first place.

So, strictly speaking, YANBU if all that was binding you together was the left-wing manifesto. If it ran any deeper than that, then YABVU.

Hulababy · 06/03/2009 13:11

mintyy - so if private ed and faith schools are a no no for your friend preference, I am interested. Why do you feel that selective grammar schools are ok; if this so even if the child is tutored to pass? And why are people who will pay money to move to a more expensive area to get into a better state school catchment? Especially in the latter the people are throwing money at something in order to get a better education, or have a greater advantage, over another child. Why would that be ok, compared to simply paying for the education directly. IMO paying to be int he catchment is just paying for a better education, but indrectly.

Just seems a bit double standards.