Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to leave my children for five weeks to sail across an ocean?

470 replies

joshandjamie · 26/02/2009 11:53

My new year resolution was to make some time for me. I sort of meant doing the odd bit of exercise, nothing extreme. But then the opportunity came along for me to take part in an around the world yacht race and I signed up to do the first leg sailing from the UK to Brazil. This will take 5 weeks.

It is a MASSIVE challenge physically, mentally, logistically, financially and emotionally but I'm really keen to now do it and prove that it's possible to do something crazy for yourself even if you're a mum. My husband supports me every step of the way.

But my mother heartily disapproves. She feels that it will be very unfair on the children and that I'm wrong for doing it. I will have to get a nanny to look after them while I'm away because although my husband will be here, he works and will probably only see them just before bedtime and on weekends. My children are aged 3 and 5.

Is this an unreasonable thing to do?

PS - if you want to follow my blog on this it's www.moretolifethanlaundry.com

OP posts:
Rhubarb · 26/02/2009 14:24

I'd go for it. True that 5 weeks is a long time, but if you have a webcam you'll be able to read them bedtime stories and say hello. Plus when they are old enough to appreciate what you've done they'll be so proud!

I once told my dd that the key to being a great person as opposed to an average person is to never let an opportunity pass you by. Would this opportunity ever come round again? Those 5 weeks will fly by and your children probably won't even remember.

Talk to them about it, prepare them for it, get them a scrapbook so they can fill it with stuff for you to take on board with you. Show them on maps where you are going, show them pictures of boats and tell them you are going on an adventure. Do you have any family or friends who could help out with childcare, it would be better if they were being cared for by people they already knew. If not then take the nanny on around a week before you leave, so they get used to her. Promise to keep in touch and do that, set aside a time when you'll see them via webcam and if you can send photos and emails then do so.

This is a once in a lifetime thing - go for it!

Rhubarb · 26/02/2009 14:27

No reason why you can't link it up with your eldest's school anyway - how long does it take to set up a tracker programme?

Sure examine the reasons why you are doing this, if it's for escapism then don't forget that all your problems will still be waiting for you when you arrive home. But this will challenge you both mentally and physically and you'll be a changed person for a while.

barnsleybelle · 26/02/2009 14:27

Oh and while dh is away the children are looked after by me full time and not day care and nannies which is the plan for these wee soles.

ABetaDad · 26/02/2009 14:27

I have not read all the comments on the thread but browsing through I can see some think the OP should 'go for it' and others think it is unfair to the children.

I say this.

I used to manage a fleet of ships. One of those ships was 75,000 tonne bulk carrier that got into a storm in mid Atlantic and had its front hatch cover ripped off by a massive wave. The front hold filled with sea water and the bows went down so the deck was awash and 60 foot waves were breaking over the wheelhouse.

It made it to New York - but only just.

Does the OP really have to do this trip?

duchesse · 26/02/2009 14:28

I don't believe there is a single shred of evidence to suggest that the OP's children will be caused pain. As I said, I went away for longer and my children are absolutely blooming fine thank you very much. In fact, at 11, 13 and 15 they are delightful-communicative, good at school, not displaying any signs of screwiness whatsoever. They seem very well adjusted to all who know them. I believe it a lot more damaging for children to be cared for by someone who is really unhappy about being at home full-time, no matter what level of denial they are in. Happy parents=happy children imo (within reason obviously- I don't think getting permanently "happy" on drugs or vodka leads to adequate parenting either).

My goodness, I wish more people had been given a copy of Libby Purves' book "How not to be a perfect mother". Best thing I was ever given when my son was born, without a doubt.

pmac · 26/02/2009 14:29

If you're happy and your husband is happy to support you, you'll create the right atmosphere for your kids to be happy. They'll no doubt be excited about the adventure that mummy is going on. Just make sure you have a good support network for your family while you're away - the last thing you want to be worrying about when you're out at sea is childcare...

barnsleybelle · 26/02/2009 14:30

The pain i see etched on my sons face when he's missing dh (who works away) is all the evidence i would need.

pooka · 26/02/2009 14:31

There is a huge difference between needing to be apart for 5 weeks, and doing so because you want to.

If her DH was guaranteed to be at home for the time she is away, taking children to and from school/pre-school and generally filling her shoes as a mother, then there wouldn't be this antipathy towards what she is doing.

He isn't going to do that though. The children will be, in the main, looked after/cared for instead of by their mother or a loving relative, but by an employee. They will not see her at all, including the weekends, for 5 weeks. Which is an eternity to a 3 year old and not much different to a 5 year old.

This isn't a once in a lifetime opportunity. The opportunity will most likely still exist in 10 years time.

I think it is a bloody horrible idea myself.

QuintessentialShadows · 26/02/2009 14:34

My 3 year old would go to the front door, open it, and shout "daddy", he would even search under the stairs, and go from room to room, calling for daddy, on his long trips away. It is naive to think there will be no pain.

Even if he had been "used to it" as my dh was travelling from he was born, it still pained him every time he was away. When he was 5 he could deal with it, but not enough to reassure his younger brother. This is why my dh is doing what he can to go away as little as possible and for just short periods of time.

I hope the op's dh is prepared for this.

jujumaman · 26/02/2009 14:35

What length of time would it be acceptable for the OP to be away?

Three hours?

Four days?

Two weeks?

Four weeks?

I'm genuinley curious - dh has been away in the US for two weeks and my dcs - 4 and 21 months - have been cared for by me and a nanny. They talk to their dad most days on Skype.They ask if Daddy will bring them a present, otherwise they don't mention him. With two loving, caring adults in their lives they dont' appear to be suffering remotely. Would that change if dh were to stay away another three weeks? I doubt it.

Rhubarb · 26/02/2009 14:35

This isn't a regular thing she's going to be going, it's for 5 weeks. An opportunity of a lifetime. Why should your life stop when you have kids? What about fathers who abandon their families to be an Ice Road Trucker or to explore the Antartic? If everyone stopped taking these risks just because they became parents, then the world would not be the same.

I'd do it, without a moment's hesitation. Well, not that, not what you're doing because I can't sail and I can't swim, but I'd do something similar. But not that similar because I don't like physical things, but I'd leave the kids for 5 weeks. Not just abandon them for no reason but to do something, you know.........

Divineintervention · 26/02/2009 14:36

If you could get your DH to take annual leave then I'd say yes go.
Are you having another two weeks training away too?

MmeLindt · 26/02/2009 14:36

Barnselybelle
I think that comparing a one-off 5 week trip to 4 years of 12 weeks away, 3 weeks at home is a bit unfair, tbh.

Why do we mothers have to give up 5 - 10 years of our life, dedicate it completely to our children?

And if we dare to do something for ourselves we get the massive guilt trip from other mothers. (adding to the guilt and doubts that the OP already has)

QuintessentialShadows · 26/02/2009 14:37

The idea of my children missing daddy, and not even having me, other than at bedtime to reassure them, but a "stranger", somebody who is paid to care for them, simply does not bear thinking about.

Rhubarb · 26/02/2009 14:37

What about those mothers who serve in the Armed Forces? Should they give up their jobs in case their kids miss them?

Or is that ok because that's a proper job and is supposedly 'helping' another country, whereas this is the OP challenging herself for the hell of it, therefore she's selfish?

duchesse · 26/02/2009 14:37

What about local woman (to me anyway) Ann Daniels and her Polar expedition back in 2002?

Divineintervention · 26/02/2009 14:37

Not mothers, parents.

jellybeans · 26/02/2009 14:38

I would never do it, would always put kids first.

Twims · 26/02/2009 14:39

Do it - the children will be fine with DH agree the children's friends will think you're uber cool!!

Children with parents in the forces cope for at least 5 weeks - it will sail by [haha]

jellybeans · 26/02/2009 14:39

'What about those mothers who serve in the Armed Forces? Should they give up their jobs in case their kids miss them?' I have always thought fine if the dad is around but selfish if not.

QuintessentialShadows · 26/02/2009 14:40

Before you start comparing to other parents who trot off on adventures, you should ask yourself if you know what their childcare arrangements were.

Did they really leave their children in the hands of strangers, for them to only see their other resident parent at bedtime?

Why cant her dh take reduced hours, so he can be with the children more?

Rhubarb · 26/02/2009 14:40

I'm just wondering why some people think it's acceptable in some cases i.e. the armed forces and not in others.

So if the children of those serving in the army are less likely to be traumatised by not seeing their mother/father for weeks on end?

morningpaper · 26/02/2009 14:41

lol @ rhubarb - you need some sort of PLAN I think

OP - I think the real issue here is not what you are doing, but your relationship with your mother. It is very sad that you are asking a bunch of gimmers on the internet these questions because you are unable to ask your mother. It is not our opinions that are hurting you, it is hers.

Could you write to her, and say "Look, I need to do this for my own sense of personhood, for my own mental health, for my own sense of being the woman that you taught me to want to be... and I really need your understand and your support, even if you don't agree with me?" Is there any way that your mother can help with the childcare during that time? Could your DH take the children to visit her for a week or two? Is there any way forward that would be helpful to both you and her?

rolandbrowning · 26/02/2009 14:41

Is there no way your dh could take at least some of the time off work?

tumtumtetum · 26/02/2009 14:42

Can't let this go...

abetadad you are saying she should not go based on one time you know about when a ship got into trouble

Should none of us ever fly - planes have been known to crash.

What about driving - I can tell you some alwful stories about things that have happened to people who have gone out in their cars.