to leave my children for five weeks to sail across an ocean?

[joshandjamie]

My new year resolution was to make some time for me. I sort of meant doing the odd bit of exercise, nothing extreme. But then the opportunity came along for me to take part in an around the world yacht race and I signed up to do the first leg sailing from the UK to Brazil. This will take 5 weeks.

It is a MASSIVE challenge physically, mentally, logistically, financially and emotionally but I'm really keen to now do it and prove that it's possible to do something crazy for yourself even if you're a mum. My husband supports me every step of the way.

But my mother heartily disapproves. She feels that it will be very unfair on the children and that I'm wrong for doing it. I will have to get a nanny to look after them while I'm away because although my husband will be here, he works and will probably only see them just before bedtime and on weekends. My children are aged 3 and 5.

Is this an unreasonable thing to do?

PS - if you want to follow my blog on this it's www.moretolifethanlaundry.com

go do it girl!!! good luck. what an experience it will be for you all!! your children can and will learn alot from your trip. my husband is in the services and is away alot longer than 5 weeks and the boys love it when he comes home. now feels like he's never been away.

ER, the DH is presumably needing to fulfill the same reposnsibility he has now for his family - earning the money! We don't know that he isn't prepared to take his share of parenting when he isn't at work!

I wouldn't begin to suggest that all men take proper shared family reponsibility, but I can't see it is a factor in this case. EXCEPT that to my mind it would be much better to leave the children if her were, financialy and job-wise, able to take on the after-school childcare.

I should have known this would kick off and i did debate with myself before posting.

No - I'm not asking anyone here for sponsorship money (I gave the blog link so that you could find out more about the race without me writing a page long OP about it so that you could put the question into context).
No- I'm not trying to be narcissictic

And once again to clarify - the reason for posting was not to ask you all whether I should or shouldn't do it. I asked whether leaving my children alone for 5 weeks was unreasonable as my mother seemed to think it was. Many of you have made your points that yes you do think it's unreasonable. Point made. Point taken. Thank you.

QS- I think that in this economic climate it would be unwise for anyone in a secure job to take 5 weeks at once (ie not entirely feasible for the dad to look after the children throughout, especially since they are both at school/nursery and he would have several hours every day of not being required). A temp nanny seems a much better solution, but I would certainly second whoever said that she should start a couple of weeks before the OP leaves. It so happens that the OP's project will take 5 weeks. That's not something that's negotiable. Maybe the dad could cover a 2 week holiday on a Greek island with a stack of novels...sorry, got side-tracked there! But where would the challenge be in simply going on holiday for a fortnight?

well, you have made up your mind anyway.

I sincerely hope it will be worth it. I'm sorry if the people who have disagreed with you have made you feel guilty, but you did ask....

She has actually stated that her DH will try to work from home and be home a bit more.

And my DS alway said that he did not want me to go out for the evening but I still went. Should I stay home and knit?

However it's dressed up... it's 5 whole weeks that they won't see mummy and she won't see them. No matter how much i wanted to do something, i know i could never do it. But that's just me i suppose..

Well quite OP.

The opportunity has come up and you have jumped at it.

I nearly wrote earlier that if this really meant a lot to you you would have done it before children, or would have put some planning and effort into doing it off your own bat.

It's just something you want to do and the chance has come along. You have to feel fine about it yourself. Asking people "Is it ok? Is it ok? I feel awful" is just a waste of emotional energy.

I'm not actually as hostile as I sound, I'm in a bad mood. It doesn't make you a bad person. I'm sure you are a great mum. I think this is weird though.

What if she worked very long hours and they were with a nanny before and after school? That would carry on longer than 5 weeks. But if she posted an AIBU to get a job with long hours so I can pay the mortage, feed the kids and treat them every now and then everyone would say YANBU.

I think you will go, have a great time, and come back re-energised and re-charged and knowing there is more to life than the blinking laundry.

I wouldn't do it personly not for that long but if you feel happy and everyone else go for it but u are not happy are you cos you need to ask on here balls in ur court .

Any parent who takes on the main responsibility of childcare is selfish to withdraw that care for leisure pursuits. The other parent is even more selfish!! I think when you choose to have children you are making a commitment to put them first. This may mean missing out on stuff when they're very little but that's how it works. IF OP's DH was taking time off work to spend with the children whilst she was away I would think it was fantastic and a great opportunity for him and the DCs but to be looked after by a Nanny with Daddy for bedtime only I think is really quite sad.
FWIW I think it rare that at 18 any child would dwell upon the damage Mummy or Daddy;'s long summer trip had on their childhood. But the OPs children will cry and wish that she was there and as it's five weeks who could blame them?

Kayzr... of course you are right but it's not comparable at all. She is going away for 5 weeks through choice that is essentially for self gain.

A job is entirely different.

I've just read your blog, j&j - am I right that you are going away for 2 weeks training before you go away for the 5 weeks?

If you are comfortable with doing that and the kids seem to cope, then you have your answer. Is the new nanny going to be in place for those 2 weeks or will they be with someone different?

I should add that I would rather chew off my own arm than leave my DC's for a week, let alone 5. But then every family is different.

This purely a pleasure trip isn't it?
You have already made your mind up and have told your poor children but for some reason you want justification that you are right and your mother is wrong.
You are being incredibly selfish, did your mother leave you with a stranger and go off on a jolly for 5 weeks?
If she didn't, that is probably why she feels the way she does.
I hope you have a safe journey.

What will you do if the nanny is ill? Ours (22, very fit) was rushed to hospital on Friday and we've no idea when she'll be back.

Oh fgs

Nannies are - on the whole - loving people and childcare professionals

Any decent nanny should be able to form a strong bond with the OP's dcs.

She's not dumping them in a Romanian orphanage.

There is no way that I would leave my kids for 5 weeks at that age. It is a pretty risky thing that you're planning to do aswell.

I love the fact that you want to do something for you, and respect you for that but does it really have to be this, and if it does, does it have to be now?

I'm very concerned that you've gone from making a simple resolution to make time for yourself in a non-extreme way, to signing up for the Clipper and diving into promoting that, to having second thoughts, all within the space of 8 weeks.

Your mission is "To sail from the UK to Brazil, the first leg of the Clipper Round the World Race. To do this while being a mum to two young boys, running my own business and all the normal juggling mums do" - er, no.
While you may be juggling all of these things in the run-up, once you're on board, all you'll be able to do is the talk to your boys and business for a few minutes every couple of days. That's it. I feel that to imply it's more of a challenge in any way other than emotionally while handing over to your DH and a nanny for 5 weeks is misleading.

With comments like "So this is why facing gales and high seas seems a breeze in comparison to my normal life", I wonder if you're not so much trying to make some time for yourself, but to temporarily escape a situation which is going to be exactly the same old routine, if not further complicated by your absence upon your return.
I also wonder whether the time and finance invested in it could be better spent on putting all of you in a stronger position before taking on such things.

I don't blame your 5 year old for not wanting you to go. Your 3 year old is unlikely to even remember it. If you'd waited a few years, you could've forged links with their schools so they could've tracked you.

Having said all that, I think the worst thing that you could do is to back out now. Some would see it as the most responsible thing to do but it would be far more responsible to go through with your decision and learn from whatever the consequences of it may be, good or bad.

Good luck

belle- the net effect of job/personal challenge is exactly the same for the children. It's how it's handled with them (and obviously what arrangements are made for them) that matters more imo.

I say that as someone who stayed at home for 5 years when mine were small. In retrospect I feel that it was apathy and anticipatory guilt that meant I didn't go back sooner. There's far too much guilt wrapped up in this whole thing. I now believe in doing things that the children will be proud of (now that mine are in their early teens) far more than 24/7, often absent-minded, presence. Children are much cleverer than we think. They know when someone's mind isn't there.

Go go go.

If you were the dad this wouldn't even come up.

It's 5 weeks, daddy will be there mornings nights and evenings and working from home as much as poss and DC will be at school most of the rest of the time.

All these men (dads) climbing up mountains are brave heroes and when women (mums) do it everyone says they are stupid and selfish and there is something wrong with them.

Such a pile of old tosh.

Incidentally I wouldn't move off the sofa for 5 mins let alone 5 weeks - but it's the principle

It is not the same at all. My DH works in Africa for 12 weeks at a time and then comes home for 3 weeks. It is his job and he hates being away. DS (6) misses him dreadfully, DD is too young to understand at 17 months. This has happened for 2 years now and will go on for another 2 when our mortgage will be then paid off. Dh rings us 2-3 times a day and him and ds speak just as ds is getting into bed to say goodnight. If ds thought that dh was away because he wanted to be and to do things for himself then he would know the difference. As you Say, they are cleverer than we think. DS knows that dad works away so that in a couple of years our life will be easier. It's totally different.

A think a lot of the yaysayers are dreamers over the cornflakes, or full of regret, while the naysayers are more been there, done that, not worth it.

Notplaying has a very good post.