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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to leave my children for five weeks to sail across an ocean?

470 replies

joshandjamie · 26/02/2009 11:53

My new year resolution was to make some time for me. I sort of meant doing the odd bit of exercise, nothing extreme. But then the opportunity came along for me to take part in an around the world yacht race and I signed up to do the first leg sailing from the UK to Brazil. This will take 5 weeks.

It is a MASSIVE challenge physically, mentally, logistically, financially and emotionally but I'm really keen to now do it and prove that it's possible to do something crazy for yourself even if you're a mum. My husband supports me every step of the way.

But my mother heartily disapproves. She feels that it will be very unfair on the children and that I'm wrong for doing it. I will have to get a nanny to look after them while I'm away because although my husband will be here, he works and will probably only see them just before bedtime and on weekends. My children are aged 3 and 5.

Is this an unreasonable thing to do?

PS - if you want to follow my blog on this it's www.moretolifethanlaundry.com

OP posts:
Bubbaluv · 26/02/2009 14:43

OP, could your DH take some leave while you are away so that he can spend some more time with your DCs? If he maybe took a couple of weeks of holidays toward the end of the 5 weeks then he could do something really fun with them and really help take thier minds off missing Mummy.

Rhubarb · 26/02/2009 14:43

Oh, so the mother/father in the armed forces can be absent for weeks at a time so long as the other parent stays at home?

Because it just wouldn't do to have both parents working in that instance would it?

I don't agree with nannies bringing up the children, but for 5 weeks.... it's not really enough to cancel the trip for is it? It's NOT a regular occurence, it's a one-off. I'm sure if the OP could come to another arrangement that involves family she would do. But on this thread hardly anyone is suggesting compromise, it's either a full yes or a full no.

There are compromises that can be made here.

barnsleybelle · 26/02/2009 14:44

As i have said... the reason i couldn't do it is because i couldn't not see my children for that long..

Jobs are totally different... it's work, it's money.

A trip for self emotional gain is not the same.

dittany · 26/02/2009 14:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

blossomsmine · 26/02/2009 14:47

I haven't read the whole of the thread as it is just soooooo long!
But i say, YANBU.
My kids are more or less all grown up, my youngest is 15 now. Anyway, they don't need me as much, but i gave up EVERYTHING for them when they were little, i actually regret that now.
This is a wonderful opportunity for you and you kids will be really proud of you when they get older and understand. Also, maybe you can keep doing adventurous stuff along these lines and your kids may even get involved as they grown up!
Go for it, a happy mum is a good mum

Nabster · 26/02/2009 14:48

Listening to a child who doesn't want you to go out for the evening is totally the same as going away for five weeks.

duchesse · 26/02/2009 14:50

blossom- snap! I did the same as you, and although I don't regret it, I do wish I had done more, and had more me time. Mine are teenaged now as well. I do think there's an interesting divide between those with little children and those whose children who are older. I think as they get older you realise that you have to try really hard to damage children.

ABetaDad · 26/02/2009 14:51

tumtumtetum - people have to go on planes to work and for the miles flown are the safest way to travel known to man except passenger elevators).

I accept there is always risk in life but am just making the point that this trip the OP is planning to make is not at all necessary and the sea is an extraordinarily dangerous place.

With such young children does she really have to go and take this risk?

barnsleybelle · 26/02/2009 14:54

Abetadad... exactly right.

Rhubarb · 26/02/2009 14:54

I sold our first and only home. I made dh leave the job he loved. We bought a tiny caravan and packed off to France. dd was 4 and ds was 6 months old. Ok, we took them with us, but we transported them into a different country, where they didn't speak the language. Deprived them of a stable home, no bedrooms, hardly any room for their toys. I found a job and went to work whilst dh stayed to look after them. Then we put dd into a local school - every morning she cried and screamed, not wanting to go because she didn't understand them, she felt lonely and confused. When dh found a job ds went to the local nursery which he also hated.

I had people telling me that I was selfish, that I should have gotten all of this adventure business out of my system before the kids came along. But what we gained from that no-one can take away.

I became a better mum because I had more faith in myself. I regained my confidence and was finally able to rid myself of the shackles of the depression that had plagued me. Our marriage became stronger as we had a new-found respect for each other. Our children too, because stronger characters because they'd had to adapt, change. dd became bi-lingual and she grew to love her school, I saw her blossom in those 2 years. And because we were happier, as parents, as individuals, the children were happier.

So it's not a pointless exercise. You need to do this for your own self-esteem and having done it, everyone will stand to benefit from it.

JFly · 26/02/2009 14:55

I don't believe that waiting until children are older to go on an adventure is the answer. If you're going, go when they are young and won't remember being left. My Mum left me at 10 to go to university 2000 miles away. I was left with my Dad (workaholic lawyer). I think she was gone for about 5 months in total and I saw her at Christmas and academic breaks. Sure, that's a lot longer than 5 weeks, but it hurt a lot.

At 10 I understood the reasons why she was going, but I also felt that she chose to leave me. I gave myself stomach ulcers with stress and worry. I think a 3 yo and maybe a 5 yo wouldn't have such complex reactions. They will miss Mummy and be sad, but 5 weeks is an abstract amount of time at that age and they will soon forget that she was gone.

Being older, I definitely remembered that loss and still do. I am very proud of what she accomplished, but I don't think I really got over her choice to leave me.

BitOfFun · 26/02/2009 14:56

Great post Roobs

blossomsmine · 26/02/2009 14:57

duchesse, yes, i think parents of older children do have different views. I may have been a little over the top when i said i 'regret' it! But i kind of wish i had done things differently....... My middle son actually says he wishes i had climbed the career ladder (his words, not mine lol!) whereas when they were growing up i always chose part time, quite low key jobs just to get a little money but to be around for them!
I also wouldn't go away just me and dh for the odd weekend/holiday, i did once, as i didn't want to be without the children. I wonder now if it would have done us good as a family if i had done that as dh and I are having serious relationship problems right now.

dittany · 26/02/2009 14:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

tumtumtetum · 26/02/2009 15:02

abeta - rubbish. Someone earlier has looked this event up and no-one has ever died. People go sailing/racing sailing all the time.

People don't HAVE to fly - ever. They could do a different job or not go on holiday that way if it meant that much to them.

Ditto driving - no-one HAS to drive in this country - if you were being risk averse you could just move to somewhere and get a job which meant you didn't have to.

People do risky things all the time every day without even thinking about it because for them the benefits outweigh the risks.

As soon as someone wants to do something outside the norm or outside the observers "confort zone" hands are thrown up in horror.

Do you also think that no men/women without children should be allowed to go sailing? Must my dad sell his boat and chuck out all his sailing trophies which he won when we were children as really, he shouldn't have gone in the first place?

It just riles me so much. Op is far more likely to falll downstairs at home and cop it than die on her sailing but that doesn't elicit the same emotional response now, does it.

Rhubarb · 26/02/2009 15:02

Because dittany, life doesn't stop when you have kids. She needs this to fulfil her dreams, to grow as a person. You may not understand but I certainly do, if you've ever been held back in anyway you'll understand too. My mother held me back and I'm wondering if it was the same with the OP. Sure it will be dangerous and challenging, but that's what makes it so appealing. She needs to prove herself, to herself. If she doesn't do it, she'll have to live with regret, which is a very destructive thing.

And you could say that I inflicted more emotional pain on my children than she will on hers. After all, they have the same house, the same bedrooms, the same friends. They are not being dragged off to live in a small caravan in a foreign country are they? Away from their beloved granny and friends?

Gotta go now, let me know what you decide to do and I'll gladly follow your adventure!

BitOfFun · 26/02/2009 15:03

Still, Rhubarb's children were well out of their comfort zone, and the OP's won't be - they'll be at home on familiar territory, with dad there and their usual routine etc etc, Dittany. How is the OP being "macho" because you don't agree with her decision? I find that odd.

blossomsmine · 26/02/2009 15:05

I think i was trying to say more or less what Rhubarb posted. I totally agree with Rhubarbs post.
It is 5 weeks, thats all!!!

tumtumtetum · 26/02/2009 15:08

Dittany I am very interested in your posts here as I would have expected you to be someone raising the point about how there's no fuss when it's the dad indulging in activities which involve being away from home for periods/risk.

Not having a go at all - it's just very interesting that you have taken the totally opposite view to the one I would have assumed from knowing you from other threads

SchnitzelVonKrumm · 26/02/2009 15:09

perhaps because two wrongs don't make a right?

blossomsmine · 26/02/2009 15:11

Oh Christ....now its 'wrong' for a woman to want to go and do something 'different' for 5 weeks????

tumtumtetum · 26/02/2009 15:14

Out of interest - all the people who say she shouldn't go - do you all think Ewan McGregor is a total terrible selfish father?

First male who came to mind who went off for ages adventuring... I don't think he took his kids with him...

Sure there are stacks and stacks more...

morningpaper · 26/02/2009 15:15

if he was my husband he would be tied to a kitchen chair

(and then I'd move on to the issue of his travelling obsession)

BonsoirAnna · 26/02/2009 15:15

I think that five weeks away from a three and five year old for selfish, avoidable reasons is too long, yes.

barnsleybelle · 26/02/2009 15:15

LOL big time morningpaper!!!!