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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to leave my children for five weeks to sail across an ocean?

470 replies

joshandjamie · 26/02/2009 11:53

My new year resolution was to make some time for me. I sort of meant doing the odd bit of exercise, nothing extreme. But then the opportunity came along for me to take part in an around the world yacht race and I signed up to do the first leg sailing from the UK to Brazil. This will take 5 weeks.

It is a MASSIVE challenge physically, mentally, logistically, financially and emotionally but I'm really keen to now do it and prove that it's possible to do something crazy for yourself even if you're a mum. My husband supports me every step of the way.

But my mother heartily disapproves. She feels that it will be very unfair on the children and that I'm wrong for doing it. I will have to get a nanny to look after them while I'm away because although my husband will be here, he works and will probably only see them just before bedtime and on weekends. My children are aged 3 and 5.

Is this an unreasonable thing to do?

PS - if you want to follow my blog on this it's www.moretolifethanlaundry.com

OP posts:
QuintessentialShadows · 26/02/2009 13:45

oh. I see. The blog is asking for money.

Very astute of jujumaman indeed.

joshandjamie, seing as you have actually made up your mind, are you posting this thread to get sponsorship money?

FAQinglovely · 26/02/2009 13:45

georgiemamma - I've been searching since I saw this thread and the only report I've found of a death or serious injury on a Clipper Race is that poor gnome I linked to earlier.

She's obviously a sailor, how many parents, who are also experience sailors, go out for a sail at teh weekend? On much smaller, not even remotely as well equipped boats?

MmeLindt · 26/02/2009 13:46

Twofalls
I did not say that anyone who leaves the DC for a weekend would be fine leaving them for 5 weeks. I said that if you would not do that then you are unlikely to find the OP's plan reasonable.

There was a thread a few weeks back about going away for a weekend with partner without kids and I was surprised how many MNetters said that they would not do that.

sinkingfast · 26/02/2009 13:46

Oh OK duchesse, I think the dynamics would have been different with my three at that age.

Dittany, completely agree with your post. It just all seems a bit, well, mean tbh.

duchesse · 26/02/2009 13:47

Do you know, women will never achieve equality with men while we persist in thinking we are indispensable to our children below the age of 6. So many of you seem infected with this notion- it's really bizarre, given how many children are in daycare 8-6 every day in this country. Presumably though the same people who disagree strongly with the OP are the same ones who believe that a mother's place is at home with her children until they are at school, no room for debate or different circumstances,.

barnsleybelle · 26/02/2009 13:48

I couldn't do it for 5 weeks for one very simple reason.

I would miss them too much and could never be reassured and happy for such a long time away from my children.

But, if your desire to do something for yourself that has to last 5 weeks is so strong then i suppose nothing will stop you.

Different strokes.....

georgimama · 26/02/2009 13:48

I am sure statistically the event is very safe, but for me it would be an unnecessary risk.

Blu · 26/02/2009 13:48

I understand exactly why someone would wnat to do it, I would love to, too!

Personally I would not have done it when DS was 3, but plenty of people do, and plenty of children survive quite happily.

If you are able to do it, then do, and enjoy it.

I think there's a big difference between people not wanting to do it themselves because they would miss thier children too much (which is understandable) and thinking it is therfore a BAD thing to do. It may not be. Of course your children will miss you, but 3, 4 when you go, is old enough to know that Mummy is coming back, and when, etc.

Some families lead lifestyles like this, some don't.

Original poster
joshandjamie · 26/02/2009 13:49

I have made up my mind - I never said I hadn't. But I wanted to try and understand why my mother was so against me doing it, because she refuses to discuss it with me. Everyone who I've spoken to up till now has been positive with a few people saying that it's not their cup of tea but certainly worth doing if it's something I want to do.

Reading everyone's replies I can now see that she would fall into the camp that says I should wait (although I don't think she'd ever approve of me doing it). I take on board all the points. And yes, they've made me feel even worse about my decision. More guilt. MOre questioning myself for doing it. So those who are positive and encouraging, I thank you. Makes me think that I'm not entirely a bad person.

Perhaps I could have put it off for a few years, but I don't think I would have done it. It was one of those opportunities that came up, my gut instinct was do it, I was supported by my husband and friends and here I am now. Had I dwelt on any of it, I doubt I would be doing it. There are so many obstacles in the way. I just have to tackle each one at a time.

My life isn't so sad that I want to escape it - as someone said. It's wonderful and full. But that doesn't mean it can't be more.

Thanks for all the feedback.

OP posts:
silverfrog · 26/02/2009 13:49

FAQ, ime it is relatively easy to get a place on a race like this.

I walked into my global challenge place, as did 2 friends of mine who signed up after experiencing a little of what I did (on corporate days and at ports, etc)

the second friend to sign up was caught up in the Global Challenge wind-down, and she switched to a place on the Clipper in the blink of an eye.

It does help that we were core crew, and went all the way round, as there are probably less people that mad!

sinkingfast · 26/02/2009 13:49

That's a bit much duchesse - if a man was the primary caregiver and the woman was only going to see the children just before bedtime as per the OP, I would feel exactly the same.

dittany · 26/02/2009 13:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Nabster · 26/02/2009 13:49

At the minute the children have a parent there all the time. If she goes off sailing they will only have a parent for a bit before bed time. No need to criticise those of us who believe our children are better off with mum at home.

Nabster · 26/02/2009 13:50

That was to duchesse

duchesse · 26/02/2009 13:50

belle- I certainly missed them a lot more than they missed me. Which was actually really good for our relationship when I got back- I had been exhausted and was finding the whole being at home with them thing extremely unrewarding, which incidentally was why I was doing the training that led to my being away in the first place- I was desperate to get back to work!

dittany · 26/02/2009 13:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

GColdtimer · 26/02/2009 13:51

"Presumably though the same people who disagree strongly with the OP are the same ones who believe that a mother's place is at home with her children until they are at school, no room for debate or different circumstances"

And how on earth did you make that assumption. How are the two comparable?

I see MmeLindt, apologies - speed reading whilst also working

QuintessentialShadows · 26/02/2009 13:52

But duchesse, that is not just up to us, is it? As long as fathers are unwilling to take on the same responsibility with the kids in the mothers absence, what can we do?

This poor woman needs to enlist a nanny to fulfill her role, while her partner is continuing to work much as he has prior to this challenge, rather than trying to fill mums shoes.

There will never be equality because women has such a great sense of responsibility to our children, while many men dont, and will therefore not get on with the task of rearing and caring for their own children. Women knows this, and so get stuck with being responsible.

So this challenge, will not change much for the OP on the homefront, as her partner is not prepared to fill her role, but gets a nanny in. And I do find that sad.

Blu · 26/02/2009 13:53

"the question is given the choice would your children want you to stay or to go? " God, if I lived my life according to DS's choices on what he wanted me to do or not, life would be unsustainable.

MollieO · 26/02/2009 13:54

Not sure why you are asking as you are signed up and committed to going. If it were me I'd wait until the children were 2 or 3 years older minimum. Being a bit older they will understand what you are doing (although if you want them to understand why then wait until they are about 10 and 12). The challenge you are undertaking is dangerous, people die in ocean going racing. If that happened to you your children are too young to have proper memories of you which would be very sad for them.

FAQinglovely · 26/02/2009 13:54

so her son said he doens't want her to go.

Do none of our children ever say to us (if we have to go out just for an evening/day for some reason - or perhaps even to work or them into school) "I don't want you to go".

Obviously they should be listened too - but to what extent???

kayzr · 26/02/2009 13:55

My son told me he didn't want me to go to the toilet earlier, so should I have just wet myself instead??

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 26/02/2009 13:55

You must go and do it - what a fabulous chance! Especially if you have the full backing of your husband, I wouldn't advocate going if he had concerns about whether he could pick up the emotional slack with your kids.

I don't see the nanny part as a problem, if the kids get to know her and like her then it could be a great time for them.
I think if you are going to go and do it then now is the time. I think they will miss you far less now than if they were a few years older, children adapt better to changes the younger they are IMO.

Go for it! I am - rather partial to a bit of sailing myself!!

duchesse · 26/02/2009 13:55

psml at the idea of giving a 3 yr old free choice and living my life by his/her answers. We'd be eating jam sandwiches all the time, never ever washing, and bedtime would definitely be for losers.

QuintessentialShadows · 26/02/2009 13:55

My dh has never asked any of our kids if he could go and work in India for a few months at the time. That would be unreasonable. You dont ask children this. You dont put children in control of your choices.

But, that is for work, not pleasure or self fulfilling.

I agree with dittany, narcissim. But, I have that view on most bloggers!