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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to leave my children for five weeks to sail across an ocean?

470 replies

joshandjamie · 26/02/2009 11:53

My new year resolution was to make some time for me. I sort of meant doing the odd bit of exercise, nothing extreme. But then the opportunity came along for me to take part in an around the world yacht race and I signed up to do the first leg sailing from the UK to Brazil. This will take 5 weeks.

It is a MASSIVE challenge physically, mentally, logistically, financially and emotionally but I'm really keen to now do it and prove that it's possible to do something crazy for yourself even if you're a mum. My husband supports me every step of the way.

But my mother heartily disapproves. She feels that it will be very unfair on the children and that I'm wrong for doing it. I will have to get a nanny to look after them while I'm away because although my husband will be here, he works and will probably only see them just before bedtime and on weekends. My children are aged 3 and 5.

Is this an unreasonable thing to do?

PS - if you want to follow my blog on this it's www.moretolifethanlaundry.com

OP posts:
BonsoirAnna · 26/02/2009 16:23

Rhubarb - what you did is just fine by me because you took your family along. What I don't think is fine is swanning off on adventures on one's own and leaving one's small children behind.

TheShipsCat · 26/02/2009 16:24

and the fact you may have had adventures in the past doesn't necessarily mean you are not going to want any more in the next 18 years...

Themasterandmargaritas · 26/02/2009 16:25

JoshandJamie, I haven't read the whole thread and I'm not going to. YANBU. What an amazing opportunity, I am quite !

Your children will be just fine without you, when they are older and understand better they will want you to tell them all about it, over and over again.

BonsoirAnna · 26/02/2009 16:25

LOL I am seriously "adventured out" these days. I have absolutely no desire at all to do the kind of travelling I once wanted to do almost incessantly... But I am very glad I did do it when I was younger.

Rhubarb · 26/02/2009 16:32

Read her blog, sailing is in her blood, it's her life's dream. You don't give up on your dreams once you become a mum you know. How can you encourage your children to grab life head on if you never did? It's good for your children to see you as something more than just a mum, to see you as a person capable of great things, as an individual in your own right.

And you never answered my question about mothers serving in the Armed Forces, should they give up their jobs because it requires they spend long periods of time away from their kids? Not to mention the added hassle of continually being on the move, going from base to base, not being close to family etc.

YOU might not agree with it or want to do it, but I don't think you should assume everyone else needs to think the same way.

OrmIrian · 26/02/2009 16:33

"and the fact you may have had adventures in the past doesn't necessarily mean you are not going to want any more in the next 18 years... "

yes yes yes! Precisely. In my teens and twenties I was so scared of everything. I turned down every chance to try something new because I had the self-confidence of a snail. I got better in my 30s but by then I was having babies and working to pay a mortgage. I'm now 44 and finally wanting to get out and do things. Am I going to have to wait until my 60s to start doing the things other people have done all their lives? Well bugger that for a start.

My DCs are benefitting from having a mother with self-confidence and self-esteem. And if that means I decide to go on a walk to Machu Pichu, or cycle across the Sahara or whatever mildly dangerous thing that takes my fancy then so be it. I spend 99% of my life and energies committed to other people, what is wrong with me, or the OP, spending a little of that on ourselves.

BonsoirAnna · 26/02/2009 16:36

Believe what you like while your children are too little to have a say and see what your children really think when they get old enough to have an opinion about their parents' behaviour...

TheShipsCat · 26/02/2009 16:36

And good luck to you, OrmIrian!

FAQinglovely · 26/02/2009 16:38

"How can you encourage your children to grab life head on if you never did?"

So true. My dad was in the merchant navy (yes not the proper one I know ) and travelled all over the world, that's how he met my mum who had 16 decided to up-sticks from Somerset and head to the otherside of the world to join a distant Aunt of hers who had emgrated several years before. She never intended on coming back to the UK - but met my dad (a Yorkshire man) while he was on shore leave one Sunday at church and they hit off. After a year of courtship via letter he proposed, and she accepted - except there was a downside (for her) he didn't want to live in Oz - so she moved back to the UK to settle down and marry him.

I'm pretty sure if I hadn't heard of my parents "adventures" (the one I loved the most of my dad's was before he was in the merchant navy and did a bus ride from London to Kathmandu) - oh the tales he had to tell of that one!) I wouldn't have had the urge to go overseas for my Gap Year.

It actually turned into 2 1/2yrs - and I never did go back and start University as I should have done - but it was 2yrs of my life where I "found" myself - and I too have some fabulous tales to tell my DS's when they grow up and hopefully they will too want to travel and explore as I did.

TheShipsCat · 26/02/2009 16:38

When my children are old enough to have an opinion, like OrmIrian I hope they will enjoy having a mother with a sense of self, confidence and happiness rather than one full of regrets and bitterness.

hf128219 · 26/02/2009 16:43

Definitely do it

If children were going to be damaged by being apart from their mother or father for a short period of time then all Forces children would be very damaged indeed!

As an Army wife I know that is not true.

I should also add that my dh is a mad keen sailor so I understand the lure of the ocean.

stuffitllama · 26/02/2009 16:49

She is doing it. She just wants everyone to say it's ok so she doesn't feel guilty.

georgimama · 26/02/2009 16:51

I'm stunned at all these people who assume that unless they are able to take a bus ride to Katmundu they will be filled with regret and bitterness, and will take it out on their children who will be eternally damaged.

I know of many Forces children who are now adults. Many are quite fucked up and have strangely impersonal relationships with their parents, usually the product of full boarding from the age of 7. Not bad relationships, just completely self sufficient from a tiny age.

FAQinglovely · 26/02/2009 16:51

and actually thinking back - it was the knowledge that of the 100's of places around the world that my dad had visited, Cape Point wasn't one of them, that kept me going when a friend and I decided to cycle from Hout Bay in SA to Cape Point - admittedly we did hitch a ride from the Park entrance to the point (but that''s because she was a wimp and was "tired")

FAQinglovely · 26/02/2009 16:54

there are also a lot of emotional sound people who grew up as forces children

And tbh - despite that fact - 5 weeks with mum going off to do a "once in a lifetime" trip isn't quite the same as either

a) being packed off to boarding school at a young age

or

b) moving home frequently, being uprooted from everything they know many times in their childhood.

stuffitllama · 26/02/2009 16:57

There are a lot of emotionally sound people who were packed off to boarding school at a young age and who moved home frequently. And it's not a once in a lifetime trip. But you are faqing lovely faq.

georgimama · 26/02/2009 16:57

That is true, but others posters have suggested that if a child were going to be damaged by a five week separation from their mother then forces children would be very damaged indeed. I was just pointing out that some forces children are very damaged indeed.

hf128219 · 26/02/2009 16:59

My point was she should just do it without worrying what other people think. She has the support of those closest to her - and it is only 5 weeks.

No big deal.

FAQinglovely · 26/02/2009 17:00

well I doubt many people are going to find close to £5000, plus the time to be away and for the trainng before hand that many times in a lifetime.........not unless the're totally loaded and in that case they probably already have their own boat and have no need to apply to do something like this

FAQinglovely · 26/02/2009 17:03

there are also a lot of dmamged adults who have grown up in a "stereotypical" mum stays at home, dad goes to work, lived in the same place all their lives family too.............

Kimi · 26/02/2009 17:04

GO FOR IT GO FOR IT GO FOR IT

stuffitllama · 26/02/2009 17:05

Five grand?

I have lost all interest.

If you can't find ways to fulfil yourself and let the inner ME! ME! ME! find contentment then your internal resources are surely deficient.

Kimi · 26/02/2009 17:05

I went away for 3 weeks and my kids were alive and well when I got back.

FAQinglovely · 26/02/2009 17:07

well yes most organised overseas things do tend to be quite pricey.........I didn't pay much less than that for my "Gap Year" - and I ditched the company and went "solo" 6 months into my year with them and spent the bulk of the first 1yr of the 2 1/2yrs out there drinking, smoking weed and exploring the country

(most of the life changing stuff happened in the following 1 1/2yrs )

hf128219 · 26/02/2009 17:07

That's the thing to me - it is only 5 weeks.

People harp on about danger - bla bla bla etc. No more dangerous than lots of other day to day activities.