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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to leave my children for five weeks to sail across an ocean?

470 replies

joshandjamie · 26/02/2009 11:53

My new year resolution was to make some time for me. I sort of meant doing the odd bit of exercise, nothing extreme. But then the opportunity came along for me to take part in an around the world yacht race and I signed up to do the first leg sailing from the UK to Brazil. This will take 5 weeks.

It is a MASSIVE challenge physically, mentally, logistically, financially and emotionally but I'm really keen to now do it and prove that it's possible to do something crazy for yourself even if you're a mum. My husband supports me every step of the way.

But my mother heartily disapproves. She feels that it will be very unfair on the children and that I'm wrong for doing it. I will have to get a nanny to look after them while I'm away because although my husband will be here, he works and will probably only see them just before bedtime and on weekends. My children are aged 3 and 5.

Is this an unreasonable thing to do?

PS - if you want to follow my blog on this it's www.moretolifethanlaundry.com

OP posts:
AramintaAlice · 26/02/2009 15:38

It's a horrible thing to do.

To the person who said that people against are jealous, that couldn't be further from the truth in my case. I loathe sports anyway.

However, whatever it was, even something that I found worthwhile or even clever (this isn't clever or proving anything, anyone can do it) I would never consider leaving babies alone with a stranger.

Not for all the tea in China.

I had my children of my own choice and I feel they totally depend on me to care properly for them. They are vulnerable babies who will have absolutely no say in this themselves, their fate is decided by the person who is supposed to care most for them in the world. And yet that person has decided to abandon them to the care of someone they've only recently met. Not family, but someone who is merely doing a job and putting on (maybe)the caring face just for you.

I find your choice appalling and although they will probably be safe just by a law of averages you will no doubt do this sort of thing again in their lives and therefore YES I do think they will be affected and YES YABU.

I know you've already made up your mind and I'm sorry to put it bluntly, but you did ask us what we thought and this is my opinion.

I'd never sleep the whole time for worry.

TheShipsCat · 26/02/2009 15:38

Sorry - BA, not BM!

stuffitllama · 26/02/2009 15:39

lol at "endless handwringing"

it's the op doing that, and to little good effect

i agree with jalopy who agrees with dittany

BonsoirAnna · 26/02/2009 15:40

TheShipsCat - I don't think it is wrong to leave your children for a week or so (for work or a holiday) but I do think it is misguided to think that your children will not remember it. Having no/little sense of time is not the same as having no memory .

FiveGoMadInDorset · 26/02/2009 15:41

Go for it, I used to au pair for a family who ran a pub, he would go of and do the single handed transatlantic race.

tumtumtetum · 26/02/2009 15:41

araminta you prove my point exactly.

TheShipsCat · 26/02/2009 15:43

BA - fair enough (although i am pretty damn sure the baby won't remember it ). But surely older children will remember much more clearly...

stuffitllama · 26/02/2009 15:46

Blossom it was a culmination of comments.. I think duchesse said it first.

Did someone say we were jealous? I would like to disabuse her of that misconception. We all lead our own lives -- no point wishing for anyone else's.

No, I'm not, I've done more exciting things.

BonsoirAnna · 26/02/2009 15:47

Do you really believe that your baby won't miss you?

blossomsmine · 26/02/2009 15:49

stuffitllama, i don't think i explained myself very well, the thought was here but fingers get carried away!

Never been jealous for one moment in my life, honest! Happy with my lot, which is not so good right now, but its up to me to sort my life, so will not be jealous of anyone or anything!!

Also, i've done a few exciting things in my life..........plenty of time for more

unfitmother · 26/02/2009 15:49

What's that got to do with anything, Fivegomad?

TheShipsCat · 26/02/2009 15:56

BA - of course she will, and I will miss her. But we will all get over it - as will the OP and her DCs. I just think small children seem to be quite adaptable.

ScorpiowithabigS · 26/02/2009 15:57

Well my dc seem to know who their father is still!

georgimama · 26/02/2009 16:13

I think fathers who do things like trek to the South Pole or climb Everest (an incredibly dangerous yet increasingly common "personal challenge") incredibly selfish. Does that make it OK for me to think the OP shouldn't do this?

Rhubarb · 26/02/2009 16:14

Well I agree with me who said what I said.

For heaven's sake though! Coming back to my point about the armed forces, there are plenty of mothers who work in Afghanistan and whose dh's either work in the same line of work or are also working f/t, so who cares for their children?

They are away for months at a time, year upon year. The OP is only doing this ONCE for 5 weeks. Ok, it's not for money, it's for something far more precious than money, it's for her self-esteem, for her sense of achievement, to fulfil her personal goals. She'll learn more in those 5 weeks than us poor souls ranting on Mumsnet whilst our children watch CBeebies. She'll come out of it a better person, and therefore a better wife and mother.

It's not for everyone. I'm sure a lot of people would turn down jobs that involve leaving their children for any length of time. But others wouldn't. And who are we to criticise their choices? There is real hurt being done to children in this country and others, real neglect by parents who are at home 24/7. Those are the parents we should be saving our anger for, not for the good parents who want to do ONE thing whilst they still have the chance, who love their children no less for it, but who are brave enough to take up an opportunity when it comes their way.

You are not the OP. Fine to give her advice, but to accuse her of neglecting her children or exposing them to hurt and pain is out of order. We all make life choices that differ with other peoples and we are lucky that we are supported in our life choices. Others don't have that support.

OP, you have my immense admiration.

Rhubarb · 26/02/2009 16:15

Oh and my dh is climbing Mont Blanc in the summer with a friend. People have died trying to tackle this mountain. He'll be gone around a week. Should I stop him from going?

TheShipsCat · 26/02/2009 16:17

good post, rubarb

Bink · 26/02/2009 16:19

Oh, I know it's all boring and reasonable and therefore to be ignored because people wants to go all Dramatic about this, but as I said before

  • dh went round the world for nearly two months when ds & dd were younger
  • it was fine
  • it was totally fine
  • I work full time so shared childcare with our nanny (I do agree getting that chemistry right matters, but it's not rocket science)
  • our nanny is not a "virtual stranger" [strewth] she is a friend of the family and always will be
  • it was fine
  • the children were fine, they did not pine
  • we tracked him round the world
  • we enjoyed it
  • he can go again if he likes
  • so can I if I want so (he says encouragingly)
  • did I mention it was fine?

It all depends on individuals. If your individual set-up (including emotional chemistry) works for it, do it. If it doesn't, don't.

BonsoirAnna · 26/02/2009 16:19

Reading this thread reminds me precisely why it is a good idea to travel and have adventures on your own before having children.

FAQinglovely · 26/02/2009 16:19

well I've obviously missed a lot in the last few hours while I was out - but well said Rhubarb.

FAQinglovely · 26/02/2009 16:20

I still can't stop thinking about that poor gnome though..................

georgimama · 26/02/2009 16:20

The OP won't necessarily come out of this a better person or a better wife or mother. There is no evidence to support that whatsoever.

Of course it is up to her whether she goes or not. She asked for opinions and got them.

If you and your family are happy for your husband to go to Mount Blanc that is up to you.

noddyholder · 26/02/2009 16:21

I agree with rhubarb here. I passed up on a lot of opportunities when ds was little and made some silly choices out of misplaced guilt.Worse things happen to kids than a parent going off to do something fulfilling when they are very young.

Rhubarb · 26/02/2009 16:22

Bonsoir, some of us don't get the chance to do that, because sometimes kids just happen. All very well to sit in our nests and smugly say that we should have done these things before we had kids - that's what everyone said to me too, and I utterly resented it. I didn't get the bloody chance too! I enjoyed it when we buggered off, dh enjoyed it, the kids enjoyed it. But if I'd taken your view, we'd still be in a grotty neighbourhood in Preston and no doubt divorced by now.

belgo · 26/02/2009 16:23

Just read OP and skimmed thread. You should do it, absolutely, if you really really want to. You're children will be fine.

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