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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to leave my children for five weeks to sail across an ocean?

470 replies

joshandjamie · 26/02/2009 11:53

My new year resolution was to make some time for me. I sort of meant doing the odd bit of exercise, nothing extreme. But then the opportunity came along for me to take part in an around the world yacht race and I signed up to do the first leg sailing from the UK to Brazil. This will take 5 weeks.

It is a MASSIVE challenge physically, mentally, logistically, financially and emotionally but I'm really keen to now do it and prove that it's possible to do something crazy for yourself even if you're a mum. My husband supports me every step of the way.

But my mother heartily disapproves. She feels that it will be very unfair on the children and that I'm wrong for doing it. I will have to get a nanny to look after them while I'm away because although my husband will be here, he works and will probably only see them just before bedtime and on weekends. My children are aged 3 and 5.

Is this an unreasonable thing to do?

PS - if you want to follow my blog on this it's www.moretolifethanlaundry.com

OP posts:
ABetaDad · 26/02/2009 15:15

tumtumtetum - its probably worth reviewing the recent MN thread on the man who died kayaking across the Southern Ocean.

I seem to recall quite a lot of posters felt he was quite stupid and selfish for leaving his wife and kids to do that.

Perhaps I am mistaken. Perhaps people might have thought he should 'go for it' before the event?

Anyway you have your experience of your Dad sailing and coming back alive. I have experience of a number of my large ships getting into serious difficulty at sea. I also have experience of some of my large ships steering into storms (rather than tracking around them) to rescue idiots in yachts.

I guess we should leave it at that. The risk exists - I guess it is up to the OP to weigh up the consequences of that risk coming to fruition.

chocolatedot · 26/02/2009 15:18

I don't think Ewan Mcgregor "is a total terrible selfish father" but I don't understand why he would want to be away from his family for such long periods of time, particularly when he has young children. I don't understand why anyone would do this when they could just as easily do it when their kids are older.

blossomsmine · 26/02/2009 15:18

Well, i really hope she goes I wish i had thought of myself more when the kids were little. I still don't think i would do something like the op is thinking of doing, its just not 'me' but i think it is a wonderful opportunity for her and i think the children will gain from her experiences.
I would have been fine if my dh had wanted to do something like that as long as he was a dedicated father when at home.

dittany · 26/02/2009 15:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BonsoirAnna · 26/02/2009 15:19

If you want an adventure (and why not? I think life should be full of adventures), look for one where you can take your children with you. At 3 and 5 they are highly portable.

blossomsmine · 26/02/2009 15:20

lol dittany

BonsoirAnna · 26/02/2009 15:21

Incidentally, I have just been away with my DD (4.3) for nearly a fortnight and she has missed her father dreadfully in that time. It was too long for her to be away from him and I shall try not to keep them apart for so long in future.

tumtumtetum · 26/02/2009 15:22

Are you telling me not to respond to you?

Bizarre.

People will always differ in what level of risk they are personally happy with in order to do the things they want to do.

Despite your horror stories thousands and thousands of people go sailing every day and do not end up dead.

The fishermen who go out on long trips have a dangerous job - I'll give you that - but that is not what the op is doing and she is not doing it for years and years and years.

Not just my dad but loads of sailors, all the competitors etc etc of course there are very occasionally tragedies but they are pretty rare and no more so than playing rugby and other more everyday activities.

Maybe the olympic sports which involve the sea should all be cancelled on the grounds of too dangerous. Or is it only females with children who should be barred from entering.

SchnitzelVonKrumm · 26/02/2009 15:22

A parent who completely avoidably leaves children who are too young to understand their reasons for going is selfish, yes.

morningpaper · 26/02/2009 15:22

lol Dittany

TheShipsCat · 26/02/2009 15:23

I don't get why its better to leave kids when they are older? Yes, young children have a lot of basic needs - but it seems to me that anyone can give them breakfast, do the washing and give them a cuddle before bed etc. Don't older children need parents too?

tumtumtetum · 26/02/2009 15:24

Sorry that was for abetadad.

BonsoirAnna · 26/02/2009 15:26

Because older children have learnt to postpone gratification, for a while at least. Little children have no sense of time and find waiting extremely difficult. And they need their parents to meet their needs for affection.

lemons27 · 26/02/2009 15:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TheShipsCat · 26/02/2009 15:28

Surely, in one way, having no sense of time is quite useful - they just get on with life as it currently is...

tumtumtetum · 26/02/2009 15:30

re ewan being a cock!

It just irks me so much that it's always women with children who get lambasted for wanting to do stuff like this, while men are on the whole allowed to carry on pretty much as they did before kids.

So many of my friends are "football widows" - would the mum be allowed to get away with all day sat every week away from the family and then rolling in drunk - of course not.

Men who do brave derring do in antartic etc held up as noble examples of excellent types from sadly lost past. Women with children who do it lambasted all across the papers.

The interesting thing for me is that a lot of the "don't go" arguments on here are ones that would have been used about a woman who wanted to work and leave her children in childcare/with a nanny 30 years ago - and in fact are still used.

stuffitllama · 26/02/2009 15:30

All those who think the op should go because the alternative is to "give up everything" and that's what they did what a non sequitur.

I have neither given up everything nor have I left my children for five weeks in the care of a woman I barely know.

There is a middle ground. Most people can find it if they want to.

BonsoirAnna · 26/02/2009 15:31

You are rather obtuse, TheShipsCat. Do you have children?

thirdname · 26/02/2009 15:32

go for it!!!

I (and dh)went away for a week or so when dd was 4 y old. She was terribly upset and I felt quite guilty. However once in the USA I enjoyed every minute of it.

blossomsmine · 26/02/2009 15:34

Life is short. I think it is all a case of trying to make everyone happy...and its very hard but thats family life!
I remember now my dh went away when the children were really little, he went to work in germany for 4 weeks. I missed him, but they didn't seem to, we were really busy with school/pre school/clubs etc., and seeing the rest of our family. It made us closer, maybe, when he got back. That seems like a lifetime ago, i had forgotten, they probably wouldn't even remember that time if i mentioned it to them now!

dittany · 26/02/2009 15:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

jujumaman · 26/02/2009 15:35

What is this endless handwringing about "a woman they hardly know"

The OP's said she's going to get the nanny in place well before she goes. I hope if the nanny doesn't work out, the OP wouldn't go. But if it's all going swimmingly then fine.

jalopy · 26/02/2009 15:36

Dittany, every post - spot on, mate.

TheShipsCat · 26/02/2009 15:38

Yes, BM, I've got 2 small children. I left them for a week in November, and I will be leaving them for a week on Saturday. I'm not proud of that, but its work, and I've got to go. But they will get lots of cuddles and love from someone else ...and they are too small to remember it. I just wondered why its better to leave older children than younger ones. Not trying to be obtuse.

blossomsmine · 26/02/2009 15:38

stuffitllama, if you were refering to my post, i didn't actually say that you either 'gave up everything' or went away for 5 weeks!