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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to dread my son getting married going on some of the attitudes to MIL on MN?

151 replies

Fairynufff · 23/02/2009 19:09

I hope if my son ever does get married his wife will be more forgiving of me than some of the mumsnetters posting on here.

If I say absolutely anything to a prospective daughter in law I can expect it to be interpreted as possessive, arsy, interfering, not generous enough, too generous, the wrong kind of generous, want the grandchildren for themselves, want the grandchildren only at appointed times, favouring some grandchildren over others, not pc enough, not making enough effort, making too much effort, making the wrong kind of effort, not understanding, old fashioned, loony, mad, spiteful etc etc.

I appreciate some PEOPLE (not just MIL) will be any of the above but why do some women seem to really hate their MIL for trumped up reasons?

OP posts:
katiestar · 23/02/2009 19:20

They don't want another woman in their DH's affections

piscesmoon · 23/02/2009 19:20

I hadn't realised that there was such a problem with MILs until I started reading messages on here! She is the woman that made the DH the person he is, either through nurture or nature, the DIL is choosing to have a DC with her genes and yet they are resentful of having anything to do with her! You get the impression that all mothers of sons must be very poor parents! Hopefully in RL it is different Fairynufff-mine is lovely.
My mother has good relationships with both her DIL-they go on holiday together. The thing that surprises me more than anything is that they seem to be looked on as a duty on here and DIL wouldn't dream of seeing her without DH.

diedandgonetodevon · 23/02/2009 19:20

I don't understand the general consensus that MIL= evil cow.
I'm lucky and I have a good relationship with mine (and have with the mothers of my ex-boyfriends too). Maybe I've just been fortunate but I think if you go into a relationship thinking your partners mother will automatically dislike you because you are with her son then you are bound to have ishoos!

Original poster
Fairynufff · 23/02/2009 19:21

Well, all of us with sons are doomed then?

OP posts:
Original poster
Fairynufff · 23/02/2009 19:22

Sorry that last message was a reply to katiestar!

OP posts:
piscesmoon · 23/02/2009 19:22

I expect it is jealousy katiestar-my DSs wanted to marry me and live with me forever when they were little! We have all moved on!

MrsMattie · 23/02/2009 19:24

I wish I didn't have the stereotypical relationship with my MIL. I was all for being friends with her. Unfortunately, she is a PITA. I care about her and put up with a lot to make sure she feels welcome in our lives and is a big part of the kids' lives (she lives abroad, but stays with us for long periods - 3 months this time around!). I don't really like her, though. She is a jealous, insecure, difficult woman whop has found it very hard to let go of her three (40 yr old!) sons and generally doesn't get on very well with other women.

cherryblossoms · 23/02/2009 19:24

Yes - I have a great deal of liking for my mil. It never occurred to me that it might be different. Mn has slightly shocked me there. All those mils can't all be awful. All the dils can't all be put upon saints. Surely?

Am now seriously worried that my future dil will be typing away furiously about me in AIBU.

Ha! But I'll be able to sneak up and say she's totally BU.

Pruners · 23/02/2009 19:25

Message withdrawn

themildmanneredjanitor · 23/02/2009 19:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PinkBubblesGoApe · 23/02/2009 19:25

Makes for good stories!! Seriously, in RL I know lots of people who tell stories/jokes about their MILs but when you get down to details most have an ok relationship with their in-laws. I'm lucky to have been blessed with a wonderful MIL - sometimes she's easier to get on with then my own mother!!

bamboobutton · 23/02/2009 19:26

mostly its personality clash, where is the rule that says you have to like your husbands mother?

i don't dislike my MIL but she is a real wet hen and i have no respect for her.

Nekabu · 23/02/2009 19:26

My MIL is really nice and I get on with her very well! Not all we DILs are mean about our MILs

piscesmoon · 23/02/2009 19:27

I think people want a partner who is free of baggage. I have been told quite firmly on here that a marriage is only about the couple and not their families!

TheCrackFox · 23/02/2009 19:27

YANBU.

Some Mumsnetters have completely unrealistic expectations of their MIL. Through MN, I have learnt, that MILs should be able to read minds, have no opinion, and certainly never show their son and family that they love them.

HecateQueenOfGhosts · 23/02/2009 19:27

I know, it's bloody scary!

Seems like a mil can't do right no matter what she does!

I mean, I know there are some nightmares! Some of the stories on here are awful and I don't know how the dils in those don't give the mils a smack in the gob! But many seem to just dislike the mil because she's the mil - like only their mother matters, iyswim. Their mum can hold the baby but if their mil does - she's wrong. Their mum can phone but if the mil does - she's wrong. Their mum can advise, but if the mil does - she's wrong...

ShellingPeas · 23/02/2009 19:28

Not all - my MIL and FIL are great, and I probably appreciate them more than my own parents (who admittedly live on the other side of the world). There are times when they are irritating, but then my DH has irritating times too (and I'm still here with him). I wouldn't be without my MIL as she has stood by us through DH's ME, my PND, birth of 2 children, moving house (twice), major bowel surgery for me and always has DC's when off school sick or on inset days when I have to work without batting an eyelid.

Heylittlelady · 23/02/2009 19:28

It's an alpha female thing, tis why!!

Sometimes both feel they have a right to "1st place" as it were.

MIL as the grand dame of the famille

DIL as the primary life/caregiver to the precious DCs(DGCs) and also DH's significant other.

Unless both are pleasant and are prepared to give and take to each other there will be fireworks.

Original poster
Fairynufff · 23/02/2009 19:29

Maybe some kind of early brainwashing of sons would work? If only we knew how to get them to filter out the bitchy, over sensitive, insular girls... but that probably applies to all women at some time or other...

OP posts:
chipmonkey · 23/02/2009 19:31

Er, has it ever occurred to you that most women get on reasonably well with their MILs but MN being what it is, people use it to vent and if you have a lovely MIL, there's no need to vent, is there?
My MIL slapped my ds1 on the face when he was 3, told my boys that I wasn't part of their( the boys') family because I had kept my maiden name, is racist and pathologically homophobic.
Nothing on earth will induce me to say she is a nice normal woman. And my dh agrees!

ComeWhineWithMe · 23/02/2009 19:31

Well my MIL messed up my dd's funeral and asked for a dress back she had bought her so she could take it back to the shop as in her words "she has no use for it" .
She tried to kill herself in front of my dp and his two very younger sisters .
She hit dp while he was holding ds and she is basically a liar and a loony .
I have tried and tried I used to invite her round go visit her include her in my pg's and the gc she asked to see them she saw them she wanted them to sleep they slept etc etc . I was just never good enough .

However I consider myself to be very lucky because I know that I will be a brilliant MIL she has shown me everything I should not ever do .

MrsMattie · 23/02/2009 19:31

Ummm...sorry, but my MIL is a cow

Mintyy · 23/02/2009 19:32

Yes, of course some MILs are very difficult, unkind and unpleasant people.

No doubt some Mumsnetters are too.

But I agree with you Fairy, there does seem to be an astonishing number of these toxic mils here on Mumsnet. I read some of the ops re. mils and have nothing to say except "For Gawd's Sake Grow UP!" but I never do say that, I just click hide and go and browse for a nice recipe or summat like that.

nickytwotimes · 23/02/2009 19:32

Heylittlelady is spot on.

If you are both willing to give and take then you'll be fine.

My MIL is fab.

FourArms · 23/02/2009 19:32

I don't have the same feelings for my MIL that I do for my mum, but I do like her. Yes, some of the criticisms above could be attributed to her, but they could to my mum on occasion too.

My DH works away (out of contact) a lot, and whilst he is, I will ring her most days to let her know how we're all getting on. She comes to stay fairly frequently (monthly or more), whether DH is here or not, and we often go to stay with her. I'm the one who remembers her birthdays/occasions/medical worries, buys her Christmas /birthday presents and cards. In return for this, I think she thinks I'm a good DIL. I'm the only one she's got as DH is an only child, so if she doesn't get on well with me then she'd be losing her avenue to my kids, who I know she loves nearly as much as I do.

I think perhaps my feelings towards her did change a bit when I had my first DS, and now I have two. I'm hoping I'm storing up good karma for future DIL's. I've tried to involve her in life with my DS's as much as possible - I told her I was pg with DS1 before my parents (she was geographically closer on our journey to spread our news), she came to my 20w scan for DS2, and to the hospital soon after the birth of DS1. However, when I was in bits during DS2's birth, it was my mum that I wanted, but that was for me, and I'm sure that is only natural.