to dread my son getting married going on some of the attitudes to MIL on MN?

[Fairynufff]

I hope if my son ever does get married his wife will be more forgiving of me than some of the mumsnetters posting on here.

If I say absolutely anything to a prospective daughter in law I can expect it to be interpreted as possessive, arsy, interfering, not generous enough, too generous, the wrong kind of generous, want the grandchildren for themselves, want the grandchildren only at appointed times, favouring some grandchildren over others, not pc enough, not making enough effort, making too much effort, making the wrong kind of effort, not understanding, old fashioned, loony, mad, spiteful etc etc.

I appreciate some PEOPLE (not just MIL) will be any of the above but why do some women seem to really hate their MIL for trumped up reasons?

about your dd CWWM.

I'm sure there are plenty of terrible MILs out there, but maybe like OP said, they are just odd/sad/weird people anyway?

may be it is a kind of power struggle...where by each woman wants to be the dictator...yet neither of them is ever up front...oh im being a bit glib...i dont know really!

my mil type person is lovely,a rare treasure...she really really looked after me when i had ds,read my mind,reminded me to 'burp' the baby etc and laid food before me all day...and of course she loves my children in a way that only a nanny can!

we are both mad as sticks though so there is sometimes the odd 'moment'

YABU. I'm sure if you're just a normal person who seeks to embrace her DIL and GCs in a healthy, giving, loving, non obsessive relationship, you'll be just fine.

My MIL is a PITA too regardless of the fact that she brought up DH. Not really sure how that is relevant?

Sorry if that makes me an evil DIL. But she's not someone I would seek to spend time with given the choice. I think people are allowed not to get on with their MILs.

I'm pretty sure MILs seem to get a bad press on MN because the problem ones are moaned about. Whereas the good eggs aren't really mentioned.

If I think about it - having 3 sons - chances are I am going to have a difficult relationship with at least one DIL (or maybe a SIL ).

Luckily I get on fine with mine - and since my oldest is only 7 it is a long way off.

Exactly right@WinkyWinkola.

Actually winky - that's a very good point you've raised, and very relevant. All these evil mils bringing up great men that you fell in love with and married and raised a family with - they must have done something right, surely?

I was thinking about this while spending the weekend with my MIL. I decided to pay particular attention to everything she said and imagine myself doing a ranty anti MIL post today. And she did say some things that would provide fuel for such a post. For example (she's an ex hairdresser) Me "mil - could you trim my hair for me?" Her "Of course. Mind you, I haven't done any hairdressing for a while and I can't find my good scissors, but I can't make it any worse, can I?"
Dp "Come on, ds, come and have a shower" ds "No, don't want to!" mil "Come on ds - I don't want a smelly grandson" Mil "Dd - your hair is so beautiful - your mum's hair used to be like yours when she was young"

If I had wanted to be I could have been upset. But they were just the sort of slightly tactless things that everyone says sometimes, and if a friend had said them I would either have ignored it, or laughed or called her a cheeky cow. It's just that the relationship between a dil and a mil is so emotionally charged and comes with such a lot of baggage that for some people nothing can be ignored or let go.

If it was mainly men posting on here I expect that mother's of daughters would get a real bashing!!

Fairy I agree, and made a comment about this on another thread.

I have 2 DSs, and honestly, it makes me worry already about how I will be perceived when (if) the time comes

I wub my MIL. It took a while, I was the first in law and I had to forge the way through the brambles but it was worth it and she's fab.

But I think everyone with a MIL they don't get on with would not say that every aspect of their MIL is bad.

So, a MIL can do a great job of bringing up her own child and that child becomes the man you fall in love with. But it doesn't necessarily mean that you're going to get on with his mother. I think that's an odd thing to say.

Like, my MIL has done some pretty mean stuff to me but I wouldn't think, "Ah, but you brought up my husband well so I must get on with you,"

screaming, I've one of each... hmmm, I wonder what will be hardest, the future DIL or the SIL!!

I never had a MIL but DH does, and she is fantastic!

No rally, she treats him like he was her own son!

I KNOW that some of you have difficulties with your MIL despite your best efforts - (I had boyfriends where their mothers looked like potential MILs from hell) - but like mintyy, I have read an alarming number of posts where it is obvious that the MIL is just trying to do the right thing (albeit in a ham fisted way) and the DIL has completely over reacted in a less than magnanimous or understanding way and then comes on AIBU expecting tea and sympathy herself.

My SIL has made the comment that her MIL is coming to stay and people pull faces and say 'poor you'!! This is despite the fact they don't know her-in actual fact my SIL loves having her to stay. I hate the general attititude-if she said that an old friend was coming they wouldn't say it!

I love my MIL. I could not have asked for a better one. I like spending time with her on my own or with the kids without dh. If she'd live closer I'd happily go to the movies etc with her. we've been on hoilday together too.
see it could be fine.

one thing my MIL does not do is tell me off or comment my way of raising the kids (nor my mum though). having said that when I live the kids in her care I always tell her she can do whatever she wants and have her rules.
also she's very careful of not interfearing in our space as she sees us as a family and has welcomed me as warmly as anybody could. I never felt like an outsider. sometimes dh complains that she should be more pushy and less careful with us, which is true, but I think all in all is just worked out perfectly.

I can see that my MIL was a good mum. She adores her sons. She just doesn't like me very much. And she is incapable of ever keeping her many and varied opinions to herself.

I wonder if one of the problems is that the DIL comes into the relationship perceiving herself as an adult equal, whereas some MILs don't, or find it hard to, see her as anything other than another "child", like her son, iyswim? Also, I think men quite often don't argue with their mothers like women do, so where the DIL may find it easy to resolve issues with her own mother, she finds it more difficult to do so with her MIL, and the DP is not in the habit of doing that?

I think you're spot on Habbibu. I know that's certainly the case in my life with my MIL.

until you've come across someone like my MIL of course it's hard to understand how someone in her position could be so reviled.

Until my MIL went behind my back to bribe/plead with/beg my DH to leave me when i was 12 weeks pregnant with DD, i couldn't understand why some MILs got such a bad reputation either.

Count yerselves lucky is all i can say.

It's almost like being an exchange student - you're suddenly in this brand new family dynamic which you haven't grown up with, and there's no guidebook...

DamonBradleylovesPippi - I shall be cutting out and keeping your advice for if and when it happens. (He's only 8 but has already got plans with a girl called Chantelle ).

And it's little wonder sparks fly.......

My MIL is a deranged, self-pitying creature.

My StepMIL however is lovely, kind, great fun.

so its more about the MIL than the DIL I feel