to dread my son getting married going on some of the attitudes to MIL on MN?

[Fairynufff]

I hope if my son ever does get married his wife will be more forgiving of me than some of the mumsnetters posting on here.

If I say absolutely anything to a prospective daughter in law I can expect it to be interpreted as possessive, arsy, interfering, not generous enough, too generous, the wrong kind of generous, want the grandchildren for themselves, want the grandchildren only at appointed times, favouring some grandchildren over others, not pc enough, not making enough effort, making too much effort, making the wrong kind of effort, not understanding, old fashioned, loony, mad, spiteful etc etc.

I appreciate some PEOPLE (not just MIL) will be any of the above but why do some women seem to really hate their MIL for trumped up reasons?

I have two mil's as dh has a mum and step mum. Both of them are lovely, I get on with one more than the other, but I have no issues with them.

(off to read the rest of the thread, and the split between lovely mils and horror stories!)

I love MIL. I wish I had known her as a young Woman as I think we could have been friends. However she is intrusive even though she is miles away. I am sure DH feels the same about my Mum.

We are lucky not to live in their pockets. I am really looking forward to a visit to them next week. DD will love the plane ride and the new bed. She adores her "Nanny". Again I just wish she was younger so DD can enjoy her relationship with her as long as I knew my Grandma for. My Grandma died at 73 when I was 33. DD is 2.5 and her "nanny" is already the same age as my Grandma was when she died. I just try and remember the DC relationship not mine.

That's exactly how I feel Peachy. I've already planned going for counselling if one of my sons' got married and I sensed problems coming with DIL. Just so I could let it all out with someone neutral and then put on a smile and KEEP MY MOUTH SHUT with DIL.
Also will follow what one of my friend's lovely MIL does which is to help out with practical things like buying her grandchildren's school shoes and coats (and she gets a nice shopping trip with her DIL at the same time), bring my own homecooked food with me when I visit to save DIL going to any trouble and give her a night off etc...

Ah but pristina if you tke our food she'llthink her food isn't good enough LOL

I'm going to just say that i would like to be as involved with any GC's as I can be and that I would like her to guide me where I can help.

For me it is nothing to do with being OH's mother. My XMIL was horrible and I never really liked her but I always made an effort because I'm a big believer in family and because I loved her son. TBD's mother I like and get on with, I feel the same about family and loving her son of course.

Do you not think that maybe some people are just being honest? Make a deal to yourself that you won't be like these MIL's and will make the best effort to your future DIL.

Men are just as likely as women to get the shitty end of the MIL stick.

We had a family friend who had two adult daughters. Their mother left their father (my parents' friend) for another man decades ago, and bled him dry until the day he died. She sulked so much about her next fiance's inability to buy her the huge engagement ring she felt she was entitled to that our friend ended up buying the ring so the new fiance could give it to her (new fiance fortunately saw sense and scarpered). The friend died last year and this woman would turn up at his bedside in his final weeks and discuss how she was going to contest his will, in front of him and his lovely second wife, to whom he had been married for 15 years.

The sensible daughter emigrated to the other side of the world. The other still lives with her mum. I was thinking the other day that if I were a boyfriend of either daughter and caught sight of this grasping harpie, I would run away as fast as my legs could carry me.

I think my MIL is great! I agree though - up to a point, it is about give and take - rarely is there no room for compromise.

But my ex-fiance's mum - another story. She would have been (and apparently is) a MIL from Hell - I am still in touch with would-have-been SIL, as we were good friends, so I know!

Mine is a bitch on wheels-she has no redeeming features-i was prepared to give her the benefit of the doubt but she causes so many problems for us I don't want her in my house any more.She lives 5 hours away on her own as her husband left her as she's such a bitch-she's weird,she's rude,she's a strange person. DP can't/wont see it-i worked over Xmas and he took baby to visit her for a few days,she now thinks she gets all the bank holidays with her darling son and my darling daughter (i wont go to her house until she apologises for her behaviour last time she was here) she's picked the wrong one to piss around with here as i appear to have a) her son and b) her only grandchild and if she doesn't behave herself she can get to fuck about being hands on and involved.I am not prepared to have every birthday/christmas\family event ruined by that bitch. She RUINED my babys first birthday and I will never forgive her for that,that was in october, i've no desire to speak to her again.

Feel better for getting that off your chest, sleepless?

My MIL is brill (I've actually got issues with my mum!!). I guess what I like about her is that she's let go of her DS and recognizes that we're a family making our own decisions and she respects that.

I think that's the key - respecting DSs relationship with his DW/DP.

What i don't get with all these horrible MIL's is WHY???

If you love your son, don't you want them o be happy?

If so why make life difficult for their wives?

And also DIL's, the same goes for you, why be in competition with your DH's Mums?

You both have different places in his life?

It is possible to love both your wife and your Mum you know,

it's well documented on here about my MIL and believe me i have tried very hard with her over the last 17 years, since june when my husband died i have not seen her at all for she is far to busy making official complaints about everybody and making allegations of child abuse about me.
my son wants to stay with me forever and wants us to get married ! i can't see DD's leaving home either, so it is unlikely that i will be a MIL

I have 3 DSs and know how not to behave as my MIL has been horrid. We 'get on' and she sees GC etc but she has treated me and DH like crap so many times. Basically she didn't want DH to move out. She tried her best to make us abort her first DC. Caused havoc at the wedding etc. Refused to call when visiting, abused my parents etc.It took her 5 years to even acknowledge me if we were in the same room. One of her friend had a go at me in the street. Some ppl have no idea if they have never been there.

the only thing I've learned from my MIL is how not to behave

I'd love to share my sons with a caring and loving DIL one day

I don't particularly like my MIL but I appreciate that she's a nice person and has brought up 3 sons to be very nice men. A good feat in itself. I hope I can repeat it with my ds.
The ishoos I have with her revolve around cultural things where the DIL is expected to be subservient at all times. She was brought up in this manner and had a similar relationship with her MIL and expects it with me. And I don't oblige in the same way. We live on a different continent and only see each other for a few weeks in a couple of years which makes it MUCH easier!! I do talk to her on the phone every week though.
We get along fine long distance and short visits...

I'm not worried about my son marrying and me being an MIL. I think that's because I have a reasonable relationship with my MIL and when I'm older still intend to have my own interests, plus I'll still be working.
The negative MIL posts do seem to have a common theme in that the MIL is overly involved in her adult childrens lives and inclined to offer opinions on everything and be easily upset.
I think if you let your kids live their lives, don't interfere in child rearing or housework decisions and don't expect to be endlessly visiting and visited then things are usually OK.
Not living on top of each other seems to help as well as most of the neg MIL and parent posts come from adults who've never really fled the nest, just drifted a few feet from it.
Keep on with your own life and don't expect to live through your children

I don't like my MIL but I wouldn't like her if we weren't connected through family ties either. We're very different people and she has very strong views on the role of women in marriage which differ drastically from mine. If you expect your DIL to like you just because you're her DH's mother then you're setting yourself up for a fall if you ask me. We're all adults and should be allowed to pass an opinion on other people in our lives without being made to feel like we must accept whatever is thrown at us just because their family.

they're not their! oops

Women quite naturally want their DH/DP to listen to their opinions rather than their mother's. Women get wildly frustrated by men who behave exactly the way their mother taught them and have no mind of their own and are not prepared to listen to their wife's opinions.

2rebecca, I couldn't agree more with your post. All the problems with my ils stem exactly from what you have described.

I think MIL'sissues come from far further back.

Her Mum left when she was a toddler, her dad put her into care for a year. hence she ahs no idea of what being a Mum is; she amrried an orphan but one who had been adopted into a loving family with a Mum who was the ultimate matriarch (from dh's adotring descriptions, never met her, died before me).

So she had to share hr home with MIL for several years, and when MIL moved (they bought her out) she had the same house. Funnily enough first chance she got she sold it- this led to her marriage collapsing after 35 years!.

I am not convinced she even really liked FIL so her sons were everything; not that she was fab Mum- when DH was 17 he tried to kkill himself and she stopped him geting help becuase ofn what neighbours might think , she wouldn't speak to BIL for a year because he split with his drug addicted well off fiancee, and she had a very clear life paln: DH was to stay with them, but the house so they had extra retirement cash, never leave; BIL was to marry soemoone well connectd, have two daughters and live close by.

Well DH met me and e have 4 boys, she tried todestroy my wedding and has called my disabled son a freak as well as many oter things including ringing up DH after another suicide attempt and telling him he had a cheek as it was she who ahd all the problems. Oh and trying to mke us give back a wedding git of £2k when I was on mat leave and dh had lost his job, and telling my autistic then 5 year old son and his 4 year old brother that FIL had hit her- on a day when DH was there and he certainly diod not; he'd walked in, they'd argued and he had walked out.

BIL id stuck at home, had to buy half the hosue just to keepa roof over her head and now is stuck there with a stupid mortgage and plummeting house price. She won't allow (FFS- he's 35) him to have a GF at home so his relationships fall apart rapidly- no money,only driver in the house so at beck and call and no GF at home. Priceless.

She ahtes me, she thinks I stole DH (he was 27 and desperate to leave when we met). She sent FIL to talk me out of my wedding when dh was on stag night (we already had DS1 then), caused a scene at the wedidng and all sorts.

DH ahsn'texactly been a good boy about it all- he descriobed her on TV as the worst MIL in the world and they wanted her in to discuss it. Of course that was me - I refused to give her cntact details etc- dh ahnded them over! But its me with the evil reputation.

Last year after severa years apart I arranged for them to get back together: she'd never met ds4, dh didnt even tell her I ws pg althogh did text when he was born and she didnt reply (BIL did but she monitiors his calls so text only. Yes I do think he should get a small flat and a backbone). We all trekked over, many miles, for a quite nice day although having to BF baby in the nastiest pub toilet imaginable as she'd arranged lunch there was horrid. Se hates BF, makes it very ahrd for anyone- used to shut me in her bedroom with no heating in December when ds1 ws born with IUGR.

Anyway seemed OK even if she were panicky (has OCD) about the boys, but she went quiet after. Then she got really nasty on the phone with dh suddenly and its obvious she was looking for an excuse but couldnt ahve me looking good when I brokered a reunion by saying no. A few montsh alter her Dad died and she called DH: Dh had been asleep an hour after a night shift so apparently didnt repsond properly (- I ws there he was fine). Weleft numerous messages after about the funeral, arranged chidlcare (NOT easy), but she wouldnt reply to tell su when funeral was. Well we knew day from BIL but not venue or time, and its a massive drive so dh didnt go (didnt get on with Grandad- Grandad had a massive go at him at the wedding for settling down, he ahd 8 kids by 6 women). On the evening of the day DH phoned, was sworn at for not being there (??) and told never to contact her again, so he won't. I willt ake his led: if he wants to then I will back him up. I'd never say you mustnt speak to your Mum.

She sends presents for the boys at Christmas etc but not DH; its hs first birthday since the fall out in 3 weeks,am dreading it when his own Mum doesnt send a card.

I'm no angel but have done all I can, she manipulates things to make herself look a victim as she is a martyr. She does have a direct link with dh's depressiona nd its beeen controled when she's not been around. At 17 his first breakdown was caused by her making himwork FT (for stonkingly high rent), hewas studying FT for a Uni place that he was too ill to take up and she'dwake him after a few hours sleep to use him as a taxi for her business. DH put up with all that but when she called ds1 names that was it.

So maybe I come across as mean about my MIL but I keep it to here and TBH she is appalling. DH gets n fab with my Mum so I am just trying to learn from them instead.

My MIL is a wonderful woman. We actually moved to live closer to FIL and MIL, as FIL has been ill and we wanted to be close to help them. But MIL is terrific - never judges, always supportive, never ever criticises. I couldn't have chosen a better MIL if I tried.

My DIL is also great. She and DS have had their ups and downs, but we have always been careful to stay out of it, while still being supportive to both (which is no easy task, believe me!).

Obviously, both DIL and MIL sometimes do things a bit different than me. But that's just life, isn't it? I don't stress over it, and neither do they. I will admit that I am very conscious of the whole "evil MIL" vision some women have, so I try not to do or say anything to DIL that might give the impression that I am trying to interfere in any way. It's their life (DS & DIL) and I certainly have no interest in running it.

Gotta say, my parents live abroad and are very controlling and manipulative. So probably just as well that DH & I don't really have contact with them. I think my mum is a nightmare MIL.

Oh and I get n fab with FIL and his new partner,as does DH.

OP and other worried mums of sons - read this.

DH and I found it when I was worrying about the change in dynamics that will happen with my MIL (lovely woman, but still winds DH and I up sometimes - none of us three are perfect!) when GC arrives. Really helped me to see the MIL perspective, and to think about what I could do to help make and keep the new relationship as relaxed as possible. DH passed it on to MIL as a fun Christmas gift, so hopefully she will read it too.

And I am okay with the idea that MIL did a fantastic job of raising DH as the funniest, kindest, most thoughtful man I have met, while also holding in my head at the same time the knowledge that it might be best (at least to start with) if I wasn't in the house at the same time as MIL is spending quality time with DC1.