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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to dread my son getting married going on some of the attitudes to MIL on MN?

151 replies

Fairynufff · 23/02/2009 19:09

I hope if my son ever does get married his wife will be more forgiving of me than some of the mumsnetters posting on here.

If I say absolutely anything to a prospective daughter in law I can expect it to be interpreted as possessive, arsy, interfering, not generous enough, too generous, the wrong kind of generous, want the grandchildren for themselves, want the grandchildren only at appointed times, favouring some grandchildren over others, not pc enough, not making enough effort, making too much effort, making the wrong kind of effort, not understanding, old fashioned, loony, mad, spiteful etc etc.

I appreciate some PEOPLE (not just MIL) will be any of the above but why do some women seem to really hate their MIL for trumped up reasons?

OP posts:
screamingabdab · 23/02/2009 19:58

I wonder what my relationship with my MIL would be like now... She died of cancer when my youngest was only about 20 months old.

We had been really close before he was born but I found her overwhelming need to be close to him when he was first born really hard to deal with. Now I look back and see how hard it was for her. I think she would be a great MIL now, so sorry she didn't get to see DS1 grow up (I think she would have understood him), and get to meet DS2, who I hope would have made her laugh (she suffered from depression as well).

Also, she had 2 sons as well, and I think would have helped me to understand some of their sibling behaviour (or, she may have brought a whole load of her own baggage to the situation...)

Seeker, I think what you say is really true

Original poster
Fairynufff · 23/02/2009 20:06

screamingabdab - (sorry to hijack the thread for a minute) another thing we have in common - my MIL died when my DD1 was a toddler.

OP posts:
unpaidworker · 23/02/2009 20:08

Be a nice MIL and you won't have anything to worry about. YABU.

screamingabdab · 23/02/2009 20:09

Get outta here!!

MrsMattie · 23/02/2009 20:12

lol@ Quantitative's 'deranged, self-pitying creature'. Just about sums up mine, too.

Original poster
Fairynufff · 23/02/2009 20:13

unpaidworker - some of the MIL mentioned on AIBU have been 'nice' in their own way and still got the bums rush. You can't win with some DILs.

OP posts:
unpaidworker · 23/02/2009 20:13

Mrs Mattie and mine.

unpaidworker · 23/02/2009 20:14

Fairy - You could say the same about some MIL ie mine!

ItsGrimUpNorth · 23/02/2009 20:14

And you can't win with some MILs.

It's like a thread started to say that all DILs must be a nightmare. Tosh.

paddingtonbore · 23/02/2009 20:18

I heart my MIL, and moved 200 miles to be nearer to her, so that PILs and DD can know one another properly.

IMO what works is that

  • she never, never, never criticises my parenting, and
  • she brings me chocolate. a lot.
mm22bys · 23/02/2009 20:24

I agree FN.

I love my MIL.

She had major issues herself with an interfering MIL so she has tried to be hands-off (within reason).

May help though that we live on the other side of the world from her .

No seriously, we are moving closer (next suburb closer) next month and it will be great for all of us to spend more time with the families....

DorisIsAPinkDragon · 23/02/2009 20:35

To some extent there will always be a bias to the mad MIL type issues, as few people are going to start threads about the MIL they have no problems with....

And the mad MIL threads are closely followed by the toxic parents threads, so both sides of the family are represented.

I'm lucky enough to have a good relationship with my MIL, and my step- MIL both who have slightly different attitudes to parenting issues, Bf, food intolerances etc but we work through our issues and they respects DH and I's decisions as parents.

noonki · 23/02/2009 20:43

I too love my MIL (most of the time)

I think a good MIL:

  1. NEVER criticises parenting
  2. Never sneers at poor housework
3.Doesnt side with either of us
  1. Is supportive of our
decisions
  1. Doesnt impose religious or political views on us

In fact if anyone did the above I would not like them,

and the fact that it is someone who you generally have to remain in contact with is really hard.

I have three boys (one is a dss) and dread being the MIL...

think I might start writing down notes for the future!

beanieb · 23/02/2009 20:46

Some MIL are horrid but I recon a lot of the stuff that is posted here is just the result of two completely different families joining together through marriage and having to learn that just because the other family does thigs differently, doesn't mean they are wrong or bad.

Though I often wonder when reading posts on here, how two people could ever have found anything in common when the people who have raised them are such opposites!

MrsMerryHenry · 23/02/2009 20:50

Fairynuff, in answer to your OP, here's a piece of advice that will stand you in good stead with your DILs, SILs, and in fact in every and every relationship you have:

Listen more and talk less.

That's it.

blueshoes · 23/02/2009 21:00

My MIL and I are completely different in personality, interests and intellectual rigour. Parenting styles are also different as she is of a earlier generation.

But she is really lovely. If she says something to irritate me (eg 'rod for your back' type of thing), I just smile and let it wash over me, and do exactly as I intend. Thankfully, she does not belabour the point or lay it on thick.

I don't keep my dh from seeing her. On the contrary, I remind him if the children have not seen their grandma in a while.

I don't post on MIL threads because I cannot identify with MIL problems. I don't think relationships with MILs are necessarily fraught.

theITgirl · 23/02/2009 21:03

I have two MIL's one DH's mother, one his step mother.
Both are lovely people and don't really do anything wrong.
However I get on better with Step-MIL because her character is just more in-tune to mine. We think the same way, find the same things funny, have almost identical views on raising children. So we are just better friends. All of this is unfair on my MIL as there is nothing wrong with her, she can just irritate me sometimes.
Example: She has just been for a long weekend, and took us out to lunch. But also gave me the money for a joint so we could have a Sunday roast. BUT I didn't fancy cooking a roast yesterday - I would have much preferred that I buy the pork and SHE cooks it. How petty is it that I get annoyed by it, but I do, though I do not say anything other than thank you very much.

blueshoes · 23/02/2009 21:04

MrsMerry: "Listen more and talk less."

Totally agree with that as a watchword.

ginnny · 23/02/2009 21:16

I have 2 dss and I'm very worried that they will marry girls who are like my own SIL who has managed to cut my db off from all of his family except my Mum and she is merely tolerated and used for babysitting.
Its a very scary thought.
When my ds1 was born I was very 'PFB' with him and was horrified at some things my MIL did and said but looking back now I can see she was trying to be helpful and kind but I saw it as interfering and trying to undermine me. I'm glad I didn't say anything at the time because now I have a fantastic relationship with her, and when ex and I split up she was 100% supportive and wonderful.

Sassybeast · 23/02/2009 21:30

My MIL is an evil cow. She doesn't talk to me and my life is much easier because of it. It's not cos she's jealous of me stealing her boy - she was an evil cow to him as well Sad lonely old woman who I wouldn't ever have given the time of day to even if she hadn't been the mother of my husband.

Jackaroo · 23/02/2009 21:39

I love my mum, but I have a much easier relationship with my MIL. She, however, has a very tense relationship with her daughter. MIL did things to her daughter that I cannot imagine forgiving. We had a bit of a strained start, but I was pretty blunt/honest about how I do things, and accepted that we would be different. I explained why I did things the way I did. I don't expect anyone to be telepathic except DH (and that doesn't work either of course).

I think it's to do with blurring of the mother/daughter roles, the fact that women can be extremely hard on each other anyway (think of all the mummy clashes/competitions/bitchiness)... and the clash of generations.

Just when I was having my first baby (and working out how I wanted to be in my own family) my mum and MIL both felt they had the right to tell me what to do. I hadn't accepted that bossiness from my mum since I was 13, so why would I be happy with it now? Also, had to say that it was "my" baby, not "our" baby.

I know from talking to my mum (we do get on very well in an intellectual way!), I now realise that your child starting their own family triggers all sorts of new/old emotions and it's a really tricky time for them.

I do think, OP you ABExtremelyU. If you meant to start a thread about "why does everyone slag off MILS" well the answer is simple, because you don't come on MN to talk about what a lovely day you're having (well, not often anyway).

MrsMerryHenry · 23/02/2009 21:42

Jackaroo, I wish I could have the same level of honesty with my MIL that you have with yours. With her and my FIL everything's about politeness. Which means you can never be honest about anything.

Jackaroo · 23/02/2009 21:45

lol Mrs Henry - they are exactly like that - in fact the whole family is like that - but I don't take any notice, and fortunately she has taken ti very well, and is very honest with me too (especially if I ask her straight out!!)... I know, wouldn't work with everyone, but underneath the years of not talking about anything important, she actually found she could cope with talking about stuff. now, if I just wish she would confront the stuff with her daughter, but that's not really my busy... I think?

cheesesarnie · 23/02/2009 21:46

my mil was perfect.she was 50 years older than me but a best friend.
when i grow up i want to be like her

FairLadyRantALot · 23/02/2009 21:50

YANBU...

I think I want my sons all to be gay....would that be easier, I wonder...

I hope that I will be able to have a positive relationship with any of my future dil's...
maybe it will be easier, because unlike some very jealous mothers that hate any woman taking her son, I will be the one that says "take him, please, just take him"