To not ever have dreamed of being a Wife?

[solidgoldbullet4myvalentine]

I'm not having a go at anyone, but I have sort of noticed a theme on certain threads of posters whose lives have gone wrong saying that they dreamed of, or wanted to be, a wifeandmother. AIBU to find this profoundly depressing? Dream of being an astronaut or an olympic gold medallist or a film star or a millionaire by all means... nothing wrong with having dreams that you don't actually get to fulfill... but to dream of being someone's accessory? To dream of being defined through other people and not actually being a person?

no i've never dreamt of being a wife either. also the thought of a 'dream wedding' sounds more like a nightmare day in hell to me.

you can be married and still be your own person

TwistinMyMelonMan - thats very true, but usually people whose greatest dream is being a wife dont end up being their own person.

IKWYM - but i think It's not so much dreaming of being a wife surely - as dreaming of finding that special person that you want to grow old with and who feels the same............

No, you're not unreasonable to not ever have dreamed of being a wife.

What would be unreasonable, would be if you judged other people who did have such fantasies, just because it's not something that ever appealed to you.

So as long as you're not doing that - you are in no way being unreasonable

I did always want to be married and have children. As a youngster, I would do that "start light star bright first star I see tonight" thing and my wish was always "an intelligent man who loves me."

I wanted that, I needed that. There is nothing wrong with that. Just as there is nothing wrong with not wanting that.

I didn't "dream" of being a wife or mother. I am lucky to be both and enjoy my life massively but YANBU to never have dreamed of being a wife or mother. However, I also agree with themildmanneredjanitor because being a wife or mother doesn't make you someone's accessory or defined only as wife or mother rather than your own person. Sure, there are probably women around whose lives revolve SOLELY around being one or t'other and lose their own sense of self in doing so but most of us know how to have a happy balance between being a nice partner for someone and a good parent without letting our own personalities shrink to nothing and I imagine most wives and mothers have other strings to their bows and other interests that define them rather than being her indoors!

Never ever as a young girl wanted to be married. Still don't. Got married once but that was only so we could live in army married quarters!!! My dp doesn't even live with me.......like to have own space. It works for us too.

TMMJ: I am not judging people who are mothers, or wives (or neither). What worries me is that some people seem to think that being a mother or a wife is all they can aspire to ie defining yourself entirely as an appendage to other people. And I don;t think men do this, but I think women are encouraged to do it, and I think that's sad and unhealthy.

No I never dreamed of being a wife or a mother. I didn't have fantasies about my wedding day or being a mother.

Can't say I dreamed of being an astronaut or a millionaire or any of the other things you mentioned.

I sounds to me that you assume that everybody wants to be in the limelight and make a big name for themselves and they don't. There are far more worthy, worthwhile things to be than a film star or even a sports star which don't require us to be famous or flash.

Maybe that is why you feel the need to look down on those who do want normal things like being a wife and mother.

As for being defined by others, isn't everybody. We live in a society - our place in it is always defined by other people and that goes for film or sports stars or whatever.

I think plenty of men dream of being a husband and father, but would never in a million years admit it.

Although I don't think being a wife and mother has to mean you don't do anything else in addition to that, I have to be honest and say that if someone DID dream of being a wife and mother and dedicated their life solely to being the best wife and mother that she could, what would be wrong with that if she's happy and it works for her? I don't see what's wrong with someone dreaming of being a wife and mother and making it their goal to achieve a happy life doing that in the same way someone might dream of being an Olympic medallist etc. It's a fine thing to be!
I would argue that far from women being encouraged too much to be "just" a wife and mother, a lot of women feel under pressure to have to hold down a job as well as be a wife and mother and IMO there should be more encouragement for women to be a mother without having others suggest she's in some way unambitious or letting herself down....but that's another thread and one that's probably already been done to death!!

solidgold I agree completely.

I cannot understand why there is a pervasive notion out there that single people are in some way incomplete and that marriage should be univerally aspired to.

Drusilla - I think you are right about men, although DH did admit it. I remember a conversation we had when we first met, before we were going out even, when he said he would love to be married and have children.

It didn't stop him wanting to be other things as well though.

I don't think dreaming of being married with children means you can't do anything else.

I always wanted to be a mother, from a fairly early age.... but never a wife.

Ok so what';s the difference between dreaming of being a great wife&mother and dreaming of being a great lay?

I agree, themildmanneredjanitor, and have been told a few times that I can't have any aspirations if I'm happy with my lot and enjoy my role as mother more than anything else! I'm not going to say anymore though as it'll look like I'm trying to hijack with promoting SAHM-ism!!!

It sounds, solidgoldbullet that you feel profoundly threatened, for some reason, by women who actually desire to be in a partnership with someone they love, and who actually wish to have the privelege to bring up children. I wonder why?

YANBU for not wanting that for yourself, but I found your OP to be very offensive when you say that it's depressing that women might want those things, and that those things transpire to being "defined through other people and not actually being a person?"

Am finding it impossible to stop myself typing the following: Fuck off!

solidgold - nothing! I think everyone has the right to dream of whatever they want!
I'd like to think I could do all 3.....but you'd have to ask my dh of 14yrs if he agrees! (Is that how long it's been?....