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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not ever have dreamed of being a Wife?

136 replies

solidgoldbullet4myvalentine · 19/02/2009 22:32

I'm not having a go at anyone, but I have sort of noticed a theme on certain threads of posters whose lives have gone wrong saying that they dreamed of, or wanted to be, a wifeandmother. AIBU to find this profoundly depressing? Dream of being an astronaut or an olympic gold medallist or a film star or a millionaire by all means... nothing wrong with having dreams that you don't actually get to fulfill... but to dream of being someone's accessory? To dream of being defined through other people and not actually being a person?

OP posts:

abbierhodes · 20/02/2009 00:19

Wanting to be married is not wanting to be an accessory, it is wanting love, companionship and partnership.
Wanting children to love is not a weakness...try saying this on the TTC boards and see what response you get. Some people do dream of motherhood, and are heratbroken time and again when they fail to get it.

And for what it's worth, if my kids are so shallow when they grow up as to dream of being millionaires, I would consider myself to have brought them up very badly!!

Perhaps you could audition for big brother?

abbierhodes · 20/02/2009 00:19

heartbroken, sorry.

HMC · 20/02/2009 00:30

I don't consider being a mother as being a lowly aspiration / or being someone's accessory. What planet are you on?

Concur on the wife thing

General point on the astronaut / film star / millionaire thing - I think you should read "Waiting for Godot"

Qally · 20/02/2009 06:16

Frankly, I think it's depressing and tragic to be defined solely by any role, rather than who you are as an individual. That goes for astronaut as much as mother. You are not what you do, any more than you are what you own.

You don't need to feel someone else's life choices would be right for you, but it's really rather bizarre to aver that they can't be right for them, either. Are you really that insecure? Why care?

scienceteacher · 20/02/2009 06:23

How about changing the title to:

To not ever have dreamed of being a mistress or dirty stopout?

To not ever dreamed of shacking up?

It the lack of family values and breakdown of society that is profoundly depressing.

nooka · 20/02/2009 06:31

I don't really care what other people aspire to (well I do a bit, because I think it is healthy as a society that we all aspire to achieve). But I would be incredibly depressed if my dd said that all she wanted to be when she grew up was a wife and mother. I wouldn't be happy if my son thought that either. I want them to have big dreams about doing great things (alongside which they may or may not wish to have a family). And at the moment that is how they see things, and that is just great by me (and I love to hear their ever changing aspirations). I enjoy being a parent, but only as part of my life (and a fairly short part at that). It's not about career vs parenthood, but about everything you might want to do or be - like seeing the world, or meeting interesting people, or changing other people's lives, or inventing the cure to something, or making lots of money, or being a great painter/actor, or well anything!

cory · 20/02/2009 08:30

I think enjoying being married is fine. And enjoying motherhood is fine. And looking forward to both or either is fine.

But I would expect both my son and my daughter to also expect to fit other things into their life, to dream of more things. After all, fulltime motherhood (or fatherhood) can only last for a limited number of years. After that, you need to start thinking about your pension

I would be a little concerned if I heard my son say in his teens 'all I want when I grow up is to be a husband and father, I'm not interested in anything else'. I would feel the same about my daughter.

It's so precarious, to hang your whole life on something that depends on your finding the right person, on that person actually wanting you, on that person being able to support you, and on nothing happening to that person.

Also- I am totally in love with dh, I fully expect that we will stay together until death parts us. But dh would find it a bit worrying and stressful if I spent the whole of my time focusing on him and our relationship. And our children are already growing up- another 6 years and dd will no doubt be leaving home. By that time, I will need more than wife or mother if I am not going to become too much of an emotional drain on my husband and children.

HecateQueenOfGhosts · 20/02/2009 08:46

I think the problem is you see "dreaming of being a wife and mother" and you see it as being owned, as giving yourself to be sucked up by another person.

Whereas for me, it was about dreaming of being loved and wanted and forming my very own family.

I don't see that as a negative thing.

I didn't get it

But it's not a bad thing to want, is it? Really?

HelenDamnation · 20/02/2009 08:51

IMO there is really only a problem if someone had asked you as a little girl, what do you want to be when you grow up? and the mini-you had answered, with misty eyes, A Wife.

There's nothing wrong with being a wife, or with wanting to be married to the one you love, etc etc, but it's hardly a worthwhile ambition. I'd be inwardly if a daughter of mine expressed it.

Lindenlass · 20/02/2009 08:54

Who cares about what you're dreams are anyway? Isn't the main aim to be happy and feel fulfilled regardless of how you do that (so long as it hurts no one else) and regardless of whether that means becoming famous, earning loads of money, being successful in your chosen career.

I'm struggling with depression at the moment, but when you disregard that, I am actually the happiest I've ever been in my entire life, and the most fulfilled. And...get this...I am just a wife and mother. And...get this...I'm clever! And well-educated! And have a degree!

All I want is for my children (all girls) is to dream of being happy and fulfilled however that may be, so long as they aren't hurting anyone else to get there.

hazeyjane · 20/02/2009 08:55

I know my dh wanted to be a husband and a father, it was as hard for him as it was me, when we struggled to conceive and went through miscarriages, because he had always seen his future as having a family of his own. This was the reason we got married, because we wanted to define ourselves as a family, even though at the time we thought we might never have children.

I don't think there are many people who dream of just being a wife and mother, they usually want other things in their lives as well. But some of the finest people I have known, have been wives and mothers, with no other career, and are/were amazing people in their own right - certainly not appendages!

cory · 20/02/2009 09:03

I am slightly biased by the fact that the one friend I have who seems totally dependent on being in a relationship has had some pretty messy relationships.

His neediness and inability to concentrate on other aspects of his life has caused a lot of pain both to himself and to others. If you define yourself as a part of a relationship and not as an individual in your own right, then whenever that relationship breaks down, you're going to be pretty desperate to start a new one. My friend genuinely feels less of a person if not in a relationship,as that is how he defines himself. So he has rushed into things which were not a good idea. And of course women realise it isn't so much about them as individuals as about his need to be a "husband".

Those of my friends who are able at a pinch to fill their lives with other things also seem to have healthier relationships.

It's that just thing.

ellabella4ever · 20/02/2009 09:09

Nearly all women want to be married. All my friends who are just living with their partners want to get married but their partners won't. If a woman says she doesn't want to get married she's fibbing. Or in denial. And if she's in her 20s and saying she's happy unwed you can bet your life she'll change her mind in her late 30s.

SauerKraut · 20/02/2009 09:10

Lookit, it's fine to concentrate on that job while you're doing it and make the best job of it you can- it is after all, in itself a mighty contribution to society if done well- but one day it's over. Then you have to be able to come up with other ways of making that contribution. Which is why it's not great if it's your only ambition. Which, I believe, was the point of the OP.

LynetteScavo · 20/02/2009 09:13

I am a wife and certianly no ones accessory!

cory · 20/02/2009 09:16

Really, Ella?

My db was desperate for his partner to marry him, but she didn't want to bother with the ceremony, so they just lived together. He was the romantic red-roses-and-rings type, she was not.

I would have lived happily with dh, had I not needed that marriage certificate to get my entry visa into the UK. The ceremony just didn't mean a lot to me at that time. (only because I am now a Christian that I might have changed my mind on that)

As an academic, I know lots of women who are not married and have no desire to be. Some are in longterm relationships, others are happy to be on their own. Yet others would have liked to combine the two, but have chosen their career over the marriage because when it came to the crunch they realised their career was the most important thing to them.

People are all different.

HelenDamnation · 20/02/2009 09:30

That's rubbish. A bit too much Bridget Jones.

Original poster

solidgoldbullet4myvalentine · 20/02/2009 09:31

See? Some people get it: that while marriage and parenthood are great if you want them, they are not a life, rather a part of life (for some people, but lots of people are happy to be single and/or childfree).
ANd I wasn't advocating defining oneself as just a great lay either because it's actually the same thing: defining yourself as an appendage to others - but for some reason the sort of people who think being a Wife is a great ambition think that being a great lay is not...

OP posts:

annoyingdevil · 20/02/2009 09:32

Ella, I live with my partner and couldn't care less about getting married. I probably will as he wants too, and it will be nicer for our children.

You must have a lot of 'needy' friends.

mileniwmffalcon · 20/02/2009 09:39

i dreamed of having a longterm loving, supportive, equal relationship and i feel blessed that's what i found. i feel even more blessed that i have two loving, sparky, funny daughters who seem to get on most of the time, although kids were more a given (thats what you do) than something i'd longed for (i had plenty of other things i wanted to do first).

but marriage, nope, no thanks, my relationship is my business, not my family's or society's or god's. i'm resisting it even after being immensely moved by reading (was it yorkygirl?) the widow's threads urging unmarried parents to reconsider.

ellabella what an arrogant statement to presume you know other people's minds better than they do

lowenergylightbulb · 20/02/2009 09:40

I never dreamed of being a wife or a mother, but now I am both I enjoy it.

And I'm going to speak up for wifedom. I enjoy looking after my husband. I like looking 'pretty'and knowing that he appreciates it. I like making a nice, comfortable home for us all to relax in. It doesn't mean that I'm not a person, don't have other interests or talents.

I wonder what it is about some women that they have issues with 'wifeness'?

hazeyjane · 20/02/2009 09:41

Being a 'great lay' is the same thing as being a 'wife and mother' - I don't get it?

HelenDamnation · 20/02/2009 09:45

And I'm going to speak up for wifedom. I enjoy looking after my husband. I like looking 'pretty'and knowing that he appreciates it. I like making a nice, comfortable home for us all to relax in. It doesn't mean that I'm not a person, don't have other interests or talents.

lowenergylightbulb · 20/02/2009 09:54

What's wrong with enjoying being a 'wife'? And yeah, the 50's style Peter and Jane. Ladybird book model of family life is something that I think is pretty cool.

newpup · 20/02/2009 09:56

I love being a wife and mother. It certainly was not all I dreamed about growing up. I dreamed about doing all sorts of things, some of which I have done. I have a degree and a professional qualification. But I got married and had children and discovered that at this point in time being the best wife and mother that I can be, is what I want to do. I am happy in this role and when that changes I have enough qualifications and qualities of my own to change my situation.

I consider my beautiful, clever children my greatest achievement and bringing them up my greatest job. I love my husband and really enjoy being his wife. I do not feel that I am 'dropping out' of a more fulfilling life at all. In fact, I consider bringing up my children well, in a family environment an important job.

I do not expect everyone to feel this way and to be honest, most of my friends would not. However, I have always believed that I worked hard to get my qualifications and that has given me the ability to make choices in my life. I choose to be a wife and mother before anything else.

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