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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not ever have dreamed of being a Wife?

136 replies

solidgoldbullet4myvalentine · 19/02/2009 22:32

I'm not having a go at anyone, but I have sort of noticed a theme on certain threads of posters whose lives have gone wrong saying that they dreamed of, or wanted to be, a wifeandmother. AIBU to find this profoundly depressing? Dream of being an astronaut or an olympic gold medallist or a film star or a millionaire by all means... nothing wrong with having dreams that you don't actually get to fulfill... but to dream of being someone's accessory? To dream of being defined through other people and not actually being a person?

OP posts:
FairLadyRantALot · 20/02/2009 17:58

Oh, and I forgot to say...I am not just a wife and mother, I am also a great lay

scienceteacher · 20/02/2009 17:59

Your marriage is more likely to continue till death.

motherinferior · 20/02/2009 18:00

Yep, but two out of three isn't the greatest odds out, I'd say. Just a thought. It's not what puts me off being a Wife, though, obviously, as a get-out clause is logically a Good Option for someone with my attitudes towards marriage.

lowenergylightbulb · 20/02/2009 18:00

Interesting -the aspiration thing. I had all the lofty aspirations and did them all. Good degree from a good university, good career, traveling etc..

Yet being a 'wifeandmother' knocks all the fulfillment I gained from the above into a cocked hat.

motherinferior · 20/02/2009 18:02

Ah, you see, I find motherhood and the daily grind thereof profoundly wearing. It doesn't bring out the best in me.

paolosgirl · 20/02/2009 18:04

I thought the stats showed that more marriages survive than fail?

Either way, I would never allow myself to feel defined by a word - that outlook would be too restricting.

scienceteacher · 20/02/2009 18:04

Your far more likely to split if you are simply shacked up, rather than married.

goodnightmoon · 20/02/2009 18:07

think the rate also depends on how long married - ie most break up in the first couple of years and if you make it past that the odds are better

sorry having a problem with punctuation today in my brain

motherinferior · 20/02/2009 18:11

Well, I'm pretty well with the OP. Aim to have children, fine. Hope to find someone to love, be loved by and make a workable life with, fine. But, you know, there are limits.

paolosgirl · 20/02/2009 18:26

No - set your sights as high as possible in everything you do. Don't aim for mediocrity.

Habbibu · 20/02/2009 19:52

MI, that's interesting. Would it not bother you almost as much to be described as Mr Inferior's Partner - it's still about being defined by someone else, to an extent, although it's also just pragmatic, in some situations.

I did hate the word wife, actually - remind myself that its original meaning is simply woman, which makes me Mr (Dr) Hab's woman. But I hate Mrs with a vengeance. It was half the reason I did a PhD, to avoid it entirely. Yet after we got married, there was still the occasional letter to Dr and Mrs Hab. I got mine first, ffs!

LucyEllensmummy · 20/02/2009 20:46

Habbibu - I did my PhD because i didn't want to go to my grave a Miss as DP and I dont intend to marry. I remember seeing a grave of a Miss once when i was a child, and in my innocence I remember thinking - oh, no one must have wanted to marry her because she was such an old bag and it stuck in my mind - sad really that i felt like that, it was an old grave perhaps thats why - i had visions of an old spinster. Now i have the PhD i refer to myself as Miss - because im contrary like that!

paolosgirl · 20/02/2009 21:49

Or Ms - Mzzzzzzz - what the hell is that all about??

Habbibu · 20/02/2009 22:18

I don't like the sound or look of Ms, paulosgirl, but I understand why it's used. Why does it confuse you?

paolosgirl · 20/02/2009 22:24

Why do think it's used?

Habbibu · 20/02/2009 22:26

I think it's because women don't want their formal title to be defined simply because of their relationship to a man - Miss - not married, Mrs - married. Isn't that how you see it?

paolosgirl · 20/02/2009 22:30

Then why not do what I do when I feel so inclined - say "it doesn't matter, does it", and leave it blank?

Original poster
solidgoldbullet4myvalentine · 21/02/2009 00:20

BTW, does anyone else get irritated at being asked whether they are male or female in practically every kind of form-filling where it actually has no relevance at all? I have a habit of leaving the box blank because, you know, unless I am applying to be a wetnurse or a sperm donor or for a particularly sensitive exempt-from-sex-discrimination-laws job, then why do they ask?

OP posts:
TrillianAstra · 21/02/2009 00:26

In Spain the distinction between what we would translate as Miss and Mrs is actually more just a 'young woman' vs 'grownup' distinction. So my Spanish friend who is over 30 but unmarried uses the Mrs equivalent because she is a grownup.

Quattrocento · 21/02/2009 00:27

I agree with the OP wholeheartedly.

Does anyone else find this post profoundly depressing "If a woman says she doesn't want to get married she's fibbing. Or in denial. And if she's in her 20s and saying she's happy unwed you can bet your life she'll change her mind in her late 30s."

Because at no point did being a wifeandmother feature in any of my dreams. I dreamt about travelling, having an interesting and well paid career, having many friends and boyfriends. Oh, lots of stuff, some of which came true and some of which didn't.

But at no point did I dream of being a wifeandmother. Although of course I am both now.

nooka · 21/02/2009 02:04

When I was little I dreamed (well planned) that I would live on an island next to my cousin (and best friend), and that we would both have lots of kids (I was going to have 11!). We planned them all out, with several sets of twins, names, freckles and all. Husbands were notably absent from this vision (and so were babies). Once I grew out of that phase I didn't intend to have either a husband or children, but somehow they came along anyway (not 11 of them though, thank goodness!). I'm not Prime Minister or a world famous inventor either, but I guess that's the thing with most aspirations, they come and go.

ElenorRigby · 21/02/2009 02:42

On radio 4 this week there was a discussion about wives and how women didnt need/want to be wives these days...
Anyway it got me thinking what is the etymological meaning of husband and wife.
Well...
Husband roughly means Head of the Household
Wife roughly means Woman!
Now that's a patriarchal institution!

btw no I never dreamt of becoming a mother nor a wife

benieb · 21/02/2009 07:28

I have never wanted to get married but I have wanted to be part of a couple/family unit. I like caring and suppoting for someone and them caring for and supporting me.

Never understood people who have dreamed about a wedding all their lives. I AM getting married soon, because I was asked and I love the person who asked me but I'm struggling to feel excited about the whole being married/getting married thing.

when I was growing up being a wife was never an ambition and it still isn't.

Tclanger · 21/02/2009 10:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TotalChaos · 21/02/2009 10:33

I never dreamed of being a "wifeandmother" but have ended up falling into the role in a similar way to Tclanger (and for very similar reasons). I do feel I need to return to some sort of adult based activity - whether paid or unpaid now DS has started school though! With respect TClanger, it's not just a case of ball juggling in our case - that finding the right out of school care for kids with SN could be a massive headache!