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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not ever have dreamed of being a Wife?

136 replies

solidgoldbullet4myvalentine · 19/02/2009 22:32

I'm not having a go at anyone, but I have sort of noticed a theme on certain threads of posters whose lives have gone wrong saying that they dreamed of, or wanted to be, a wifeandmother. AIBU to find this profoundly depressing? Dream of being an astronaut or an olympic gold medallist or a film star or a millionaire by all means... nothing wrong with having dreams that you don't actually get to fulfill... but to dream of being someone's accessory? To dream of being defined through other people and not actually being a person?

OP posts:
wastingmyeducation · 20/02/2009 12:28

You see, I'm very happy to have other ambitions, but nothing else I might do is as important as being a wife and mother.

bloss · 20/02/2009 12:47

Message withdrawn

scienceteacher · 20/02/2009 12:56
scienceteacher · 20/02/2009 12:58

Who would want to be a film star? Bleuch, all those broken relationships.

pointydog · 20/02/2009 13:34

but crucially, once you are a wife and mother, that becomes very important.

However, if you are not a wife, it would hopefully not be the most important dream in my head.

People do dream about love and relationships, as being loved proves in some way that you are lovable. I suppose it shows a great neediness, or a less than happy childhood, for that to be the most important dream.

'I know I'm unlovable, you don't have to tell me...'

cory · 20/02/2009 13:47

The thing is, I want my dd to start working and doing things from an early age. If she dreams of having a career, then she will hopefully work hard at school and learn lots and take an interest in life. Even if the career does not come off, she will gain something. But if she only dreams of being loved- that is not going to give her the incentive to do anything active now, other than trying to look attractive to men.

So for now, I think she is much better of cherishing other ambitions. They won't stop her from being a wife and mother when the time comes.

cory · 20/02/2009 13:47

working as in working hard at school, being active with her interests, not necessarily getting a job at the earliest opportunity

HelenDamnation · 20/02/2009 15:20

No-one is saying one ought not to feel happy that one has married a worthy, loved partner. No-one is saying that one ought not to feel happy that one has scads of gorgeous children.

Just that to have as your dream being a wife is pretty - well I think the word I would use is limited.

Imagine meeting a man and asking him what his ambition was only to hear him say "Well I've always wanted to have a wife, actually" - what would that tell you about his limitations? Why should women be so limited? Not that I have ever met anyone in real life who dreamed of being a wife, by the way. No-one who's admitted it, anyway.

paolosgirl · 20/02/2009 15:25

Where on earth does it say that you can only have one dream?

I dreamt of being a mother and of being married (in that it was something I wanted to do one day). I also dreamed of travelling, going to university, sharing a flat with friends.

It's perfectly OK to dream of doing lots of things - I can't recall seeing any threads saying "I only ever dreamt of being a wife and mother - that's all I ever wanted to do with my life"

nooka · 20/02/2009 15:47

But I think in society there are plenty of people who do think that. Scrap the wife bit, and you have a fairly large group of very young mums who have children to be "loved" and no ambition at all. That has to be a bad thing.

I think being a good parent is incredibly important, however my children's achievements in life are their own, not mine, in the same way I don't think that my achievements belong to my mother. I am proud of them, as she is of me and my siblings, but although me and dh are giving our children the best foundation and support we can, what they do with their lives is up to them. When I die I don't want my obituary to say "had two children" I want it to say did great things, a sad loss to everyone (no ambitions me )

mloo · 20/02/2009 15:56

I never dreamt of being a wife.
Or a mother.
Or a bride.
I grew up assuming that nobody would ever want me. Fundamentally, I had no hopes or dreams at all, lol.
(Tries to think for a moment).
Yup, that's right. It fascinates me that so many people embrace these fantasies.

MorrisZapp · 20/02/2009 16:44

Big difference between yearning to find a life partner (which I think is natural and normal) and wanting to have a ring, a white dress, a new surname and be called 'Mrs', which are all cultural aspirations.

Nowt wrong with wanting the ring etc but I know lots of women who want the trappings more then they want the lifelong partnership.

My BF is 'engaged' and thinks it's the best thing since sliced bread. I have to say I don't get that at all, but understand anybody dreaming of finding their 'true love'. Not convinced she has, but that's another story. The ring seems to paper over the cracks.

Habbibu · 20/02/2009 16:48

I dreamed of having a border collie, and no husband.

Then I married a man with a dog allergy.

BonsoirAnna · 20/02/2009 16:54

I never dreamed of being a wife or mother. I am still not a wife - but have a partner - and am a mother. I do remember thinking, after I had met my DP, that I really needed a husband (I was 35). But the whole thing happened very much by accident rather than design. And my DP and my whole life could not have been dreamt up by a younger version of me as it contains so many elements I did not know about back then.

scienceteacher · 20/02/2009 16:55

I grew up assuming that I would marry and have children.

This is different to having it as a major goal in life that has to be worked towards.

I think my life would have been much emptier had I not married.

I got married much sooner than I would have anticipated (for immigration reasons). I would have been happy to live in the same city as DH2B (I would not have shacked up lived with him before marriage, but dreamt of envisioned a girly flat-share). However, the only way we could even live in the same country was to marry.
I have no regrets.

Original poster
solidgoldbullet4myvalentine · 20/02/2009 16:57

You see, I think that growing up assuming that one will marry and reproduce is often a very unhelpful mindset, as it leads quite a lot of people into either marrying unsuitable partners or having children when they don't really actually like or want or know how to raise children.

OP posts:
motherinferior · 20/02/2009 17:05

I have nightmares about being a wife, does that count?

(And I am PMSL at 'If a woman says she doesn't want to get married she's fibbing. Or in denial'. Here in the 21st century quite a lot of women don't want to get married, you know.)

One of the many things about actually going through with a marriage ceremony - which I may yet find myself blackmailed by State financial machinations into doing - that makes me shudder and retch is the possibility of being referred to as a 'wife'.

scienceteacher · 20/02/2009 17:06

Not my experience, SG.

I guess these are just values we inherited from our parents and will pass onto our children.

Most people are quite content with their marriages and children, and there are ways of entering into marriages making sure that both partners have compatible expectations and desires.

Original poster
solidgoldbullet4myvalentine · 20/02/2009 17:25

ST: I am glad for you and everyone else who has married happily and enjoyed parenthood. But lots of people do get married and have children because they think it's what everyone does or what they ought to do, and then find out that it doesn't suit them.

OP posts:
paolosgirl · 20/02/2009 17:27

Really - you actually shudder and retch????

goodnightmoon · 20/02/2009 17:39

i never dreamed of being a wife or mother, but i did dream of finding a loving partner, or soul mate, or whatever you want to call it.

got married for practical reasons and didn't actually tell my family for a couple of months. my mum didn't like that much but i'd never had the whole bride dream either. (and had no idea she had!)

later on i thought it was a jolly good idea to have a baby with DH.

I get your post though - it seems girls are being brought up to be perfect little pink princesses pushing prams with their dollies in them, and zero aspirations.

paolosgirl · 20/02/2009 17:40

Not all girls, goonight!

motherinferior · 20/02/2009 17:54

I enjoy - most of the time - having a partner, and even having this particular partner. (As opposed, for instance, to the three before him.) But I don't want to be A Wife. God no. Even if I were married. Imagine being described as 'Mr Inferior's Wife'. Ooo nooo....

And most of the time I'm glad I had children, and all the time I love them. But Being A Mother is a bit problematic, for me.

motherinferior · 20/02/2009 17:57

Although of course if you do dream of being a wife, it's presumably quite an invigorating ambition because statistically you're pretty likely to end your first marriage and then have all that delightful anticipation all over again. You can live your dream. Over and over.

FairLadyRantALot · 20/02/2009 17:58

well...when I was little I never dreamed of being a wife or mother...
I dreamed of being beautyful and a princess....neither happened

as I grew older I started having teh desire to have a loving relationship. With that relationship came the desire to want to be that persons wife and from that the next developement was being a mother...

Those are roles that are part of me, I am also a friend and a Student, used to be a Nurse, and all sorts...
Those are some of my roles, and yes roles define us to some extent, but not completely, because then there are your own personality traits that will make you choose which way you want to stir your life, and corcumstances, and all that...

being a wife does not mean you are defined as an appendix of someone else though, imo...you are not defined through another person, but through that role...well...part of you.