To not ever have dreamed of being a Wife?

[solidgoldbullet4myvalentine]

I'm not having a go at anyone, but I have sort of noticed a theme on certain threads of posters whose lives have gone wrong saying that they dreamed of, or wanted to be, a wifeandmother. AIBU to find this profoundly depressing? Dream of being an astronaut or an olympic gold medallist or a film star or a millionaire by all means... nothing wrong with having dreams that you don't actually get to fulfill... but to dream of being someone's accessory? To dream of being defined through other people and not actually being a person?

I struggle to use the H word in relation to my DH and even less think of myself as "a wife" - certainly never dreamed about it. Though I love having someone wonderful to share things with, and I love being married to him.

I've been wondering for a few months if there is something wrong with me for not wanting to be a wife, although it's more about not wanting to have a husband rather than worrying about being a wife. Or are the two exactly the same thing?

I love being a wife and mother.

It was never - and still isn't - my 'only goal in life' or the only way that I define myself, but I do think my life wouldn't be half as wonderful as it is if I didn't have my two fabulous children and the love and support of a fantastic companion, friend & lover in my husband.

I hope my daughter grows up with dreams and ambitions for herself - a career, friendships, interests etc. But I also hope she is lucky enough to be blessed with children and a loving partner. I don't think there is anything sad about wanting to form strong, loving relationships or to build a family. I would rather she wanted that than dreamed of being a millionaire or wants to be 'famous'.

My only concern would be if my dd (or indeed my ds) dreamed of a loving relationship to the point where she felt she was not leading a full life or being a full person without one. Because I have seen where that attitude leads to, and it's not good for anyone.

I don't mind my dd dreaming of being famous as long as she dreams of being famous for something, an actual achievement. A famous author, a great actress, the inventor of the cure for cancer- great dreams to have. Famous for being a sleb- not so great.

AIBU to find the OP profoundly depressing. What is wrong with wanting to be a wife and mother? You know, it is possible to be an astronaught, olympian film star or millionaire AND be a wife and mother you know!! Some people, out there, do this!!

Some people, like me, are happy to "JUST" be a wife (even though we are not married - but we wont go there!) and mother - I happen to think it is THE most important and rewarding job in the entire world.

I am not my DPs accessory. I stay at home and look after DD (a tough job i agree) while he goes out and slogs his guts out every day trying to build a business that will make us comfortable and have something to hand on to his DDs [proud]. My role in that is to do the admin so not only am i his "wife" and mother to his child - with all the washing, cleaning and feeding that entails. I'm his secretary too.

I am actually in a difficult position now as i have some tough decisions to make. The business is picking up (finally, thank God) and he will need me to do more and more, and bless him, he really just cannot get on with that side of things - hes a practical sort of guy (fantastic with his hands ). But without me to do the admin he wouldnt be able to run the business really. Its ok just now - DD isn't at school and i fit the business stuff in around her but will it be enough to keep me occupied when DD at school. A big part of me wants to return to work (im thinking about teaching)but i know that if i do that i will have to abandon pretty much all of the business stuff. So i am torn.

Do i, be wife mother and secretary all my life? Or do i go and do something for me, but ultimately for US. There are lots of questions to answer, not least is my input to the business financially worth it - as in, do i add "value". Could i handle giving that work over to someone else (im very insecure i would have issues with this) if i went back to work, or do i try to do both?

At the end of the day, my choice will be based greatly on what my DP wants - we are a team and if he wants me to work for him, then i will, despite my PhD and degree - because what i want is for US, as a unit to do well.

If other people want to look down on me and think im only defined as a person through my DP, that is their shallow minded lookout.

I do find it so depressing that motherhood is so belittled by these so called feminist attitudes. Feminism is about CHOICE and if someone choses to be a wife and mother that is her CHOICE and not an easy one either.

YABU
Being a wife and mother does not mean that you aren't person.
It can be an amazing and fulfilling journey and a wife is not just an accessory in a genuine relationship.
Why do you consider it more fulfilling to define yourself in material (ie monetary) terms?

I never dreamed of being a wife. That does seem a bit odd to me because, as solid says, being a wife doesn't really mean anything specific.

But if you think about what being a wife means, I suppose it just means having one person who loves you for ever no matter what. Fairy tale stuff. Many stories and films show this to be the ultimate dream.

I don't think many men dream of being a husband.

Gurls is sappy.

I'm spending far too much time here - there was a time, not so long ago, when i could string a coherant sentence together - perhaps being a wife and mother has addled my brain!!

dream wife/ film start/ millionaire all fall under the fantasy tag imo and not like real life at all

on the other hand striving to develop one's skills, interests, emotional well being is quite another story and people have different ways of getting there

It IS sad to rely on another person for your happiness, but this is not the recipe for a good marriage/relationship so most marriages where the wife views herself as an accesory are pretty much doomed imo.

I think that actually people DO aspire to be in a long term happy relationship. That is human nature, it is what we do. What is the point of being a succesful XY pr Z, with no-one to share it with. Would make it kind of pointless to me.

Ive never dreamt about being married, but being in a loving, stable relationship is pretty much all i have ever dreamed of. The rest is secondary.

LEM, I don't think anyone is belittling the role of mother and wife. I think you are jumping from conclusions from other WOHM?SAHM threads, but this is not what this thread is actually about.

Everyone here has been saying that there is nothing wrong with being, or wanting to be, a wife and mother. Even Solidgold said in one of her later posts that this was a perfectly valid choice. And lots of us are/have been SAHMs

The points made on this thread so far are totally different:

for a young girl, hanging all her ambitions on wifehood and motherhood is dangerous. It can leave you very unsatisfied and needy if for some reasons it fails to come off. I would be very upset if my dd implied that she could only be happy if some man came along to marry her and support her. What if he doesn't? What if noone falls in love with her? We haven't got the option of arranging a marriage for her.

also, children grow up very quickly and women stay young longer; add to that that housework takes less time than ever and that most men expect to do part of it. This leaves a long gap, probably about 20 years, between the end of mothering-as-full-time-work and the coming of old age. So it is handy to be prepared to have more than one ambition.

most women won't have the opportunity of becoming their husband's secretary; and most men don't earn enough to provide both themselves and their wives with a decent pension if the wife has never worked. So this again is a good argument for not making wifehood your only ambition.

marriages do break down. It hits most people hard, but it's going to be an even greater shock if you have never envisaged yourself as other than part of a relationship (as witness my male friend mentioned in previous posts)

lots of men want more of an input these days-so the division into wife/mother and husband/provider is not necessarily the only working model. What if dd's partner insists that he wants to be the stay-at-home-parent? Or he wants to go shares? I would find it very selfish of her not to give him a go if it was financially possible.

I wish you hadn't tried to turn this into the ordinary WOHM/SAHM thread- we get so many of these, and this seemed to offer a chance of discussing something new.

Surely a good wife is a good lay?

Agree sgb. Being a wife is something that happens when and if you find a suitable person and your life is in the right place. It's isn't a goal in itself.

sorry, crosspost. absolutely agree with most of what you said in your later post, but not that everybody dreams of being in a longterm relationship. Human nature is a variable thing.

I thoroughly enjoy marriage and am 100% committed to it. But I wouldn't say that was all I ever dreamt of, far from it.

And as a part of a very close knit extended family, the point of having noone to share success with would never have occurred to me.

I don't mind being identified as a great lay!!

But cory, it's important to have more than one ambition anyway.
The world of work is far more complex than most youngsters I know can contemplate.
So many youngsters in bands for instance don't bother with college or alternate career-building because they are certain of success, only to find themselves in their late twenties having to make decisions they should have made a decade before.

I certainly don't want to turn this into a WOHM/SAHM thing, god forbid!!

What you say is interesting cory - The argument i guess is one of don't put all your eggs in one basket, especially someone elses basket. It doesn't just work with being a wife though - I have a friend who is a vet, all she ever wanted to do was be a vet - she worked bloody hard at being a vet, to the exclusion of EVERYTHING else, even at vet school she had no social life. I worried about her alot, she used to cry to me alot "what if i can't be a vet - i don't want to do anything else". Its much the same thing really - its perfectly feasable that despite being bright and hardworking, she might not have made it. When she was rejected by her first choice of vet school she was devestated and i was seriously worried about her. Thankfully it all panned out, she got her dream and is a brilliant vet. Now, the contrary cow dreams about being a wife and mother - i kid you not! Shame, she is 25 and never had a boyfriend, because she totally buried herself in the vet thing and she is quite sad about this.

I think if i had to lay out my dream it would be, to be a wife and mother (primarily) and to have a succesful career that allows me to still be a wife and mother first and foremost. Isn't that what most mums aspire to? I hope so. Whether or not that career will be working for our business remains to be seen - i have some tough decisions to make re that one.

oh I agree with this, wastingmyeducation. dd dreams of being a great author, which is very nice, but I am drumming into her that I will expect her to work on her GCSEs, because it is just possible that she will need to look for a day job...

would be particularly worried though if dd feels she can only cope emotionally if she finds herself a man

lowenergylightbulb:

"I wonder what it is about some women that they have issues with 'wifeness'?"

Why put the question that way? Why not ask:

What is it about 'wifeness' that some women have issues with it?

Ella: every woman does not want to get married.

Another thought: it would be interesting to find out how many of the problematic MILs on the "my MIL is a pita" threads have only ever dreamed of being wives and mothers.