To not ever have dreamed of being a Wife?

[solidgoldbullet4myvalentine]

I'm not having a go at anyone, but I have sort of noticed a theme on certain threads of posters whose lives have gone wrong saying that they dreamed of, or wanted to be, a wifeandmother. AIBU to find this profoundly depressing? Dream of being an astronaut or an olympic gold medallist or a film star or a millionaire by all means... nothing wrong with having dreams that you don't actually get to fulfill... but to dream of being someone's accessory? To dream of being defined through other people and not actually being a person?

Have you read Revoltionary Road SolidGold? Covers these themes nicely

I always dreamed of being a wife and mother but now I have those, I do dream of more so I see your point. I feel guilty for wanting more. Don't get me wrong, I like being a wife and mother, but I do dream of being a writer one day.

This is a very interesting thread and covers some great themes. Is motherhood enough? Society's expectations on women etc

Maybe the problem is that society doesn't respect and appreciate motherhood enough. That article in The Obsever claimed it has been fetishised (?sp) into a material culture (prams, baby equipment etc) but maybe it isn't valued for the right things. Or maybe this idealised goal of the 'perfect mother' puts too much pressure on us.

I do know that many people are messed up by their mothers and poor relationships, you only have to look at the stately homes thread to see this. So maybe it should be enough, to be a good mother and wife. Argh! A minefield

Motherhood is not enough to last a woman a lifetime, no. It can be all consuming for a short period and very consuming for a slightly longer one, but women need to have multiple ambitions and goals in life IMO.

The very biggest problem is managing to fit them all in .

I have been dipping in and out of this thread and not read every single post so forgive me if I repeat something.

The last few posts particularly have got me thinking about what a mother is. It seems to me that being a mother is more often deemed to be a job in its own right in a way that being a father isn't. I wonder if this is why men don't often dream of being a father in the same way a woman might dream of being a mother. Some women seem to see being a mother as a job and something which requires dedicated time (and for some of us it does as Totalchaos and Tclanger have pointed out). Maybe these women are ones that dream of being mothers rather than any other job. I don't think fathers see it as a job in the same way, more a life style choice.

I agree with Anna that it can't be a job for life in the same way most other jobs. If it does it must surely be unhealthy (I'm thinking 40 something men still living at home being cared for by their mothers). On that basis alone most women have other goals in mind surely. I think to say they don't is doing them a huge disservice.

I also agree with Tclanger that being a mother doesn't necessarily rob you of the power of conversation either - not directly linked to this thread I know but maybe part of the myth that says being a mother is not a worthy goal for an educated woman. The people who complain loudest about women who talk about their children are often the ones who really only want to talk about themselves and don't like a topic of conversation that isn't about them like the man who talked about nothing but his job. You get boring people in all walks of life, not just amongst SAHM.

skimmed this thread.. but I never did dream of being a wife and mother.. I sort of fell into it.. and now try and fit my dreams in with what being a wife and mother entails.

I can see why someone would dream of being a wife and a mother, sharing your life with someone you love.

I can't see though, why anyone would dream of being a millonaire? Yes you would be comfortable but to me, happiness isn't just about having alot of expensive stuff. That exsistance is abit empty to me. If on the other hand you have become a millionaire by doing a job you love and are passionate about then maybe i could understand that.

But just dreaming of being a millionaire? I guess it proves how different we are in what we define as true happiness and succuss.

Money provides opportunities, so I can see why people have an ambition to have some. I don't think that wishing for health, wealth and happiness is a bad thing. There are different paths for different people of course, and it would be a poorer world if we all wished for the same thing.

I don't see that being a parent is a "job" it is part of who I am. I have lots of other parts too, some more transient than others. I am also a daughter. That's not a job either (although it can feel that way on occasion). However I have children with no special needs, they are very close in age and I have (mostly) worked full time, so my outlook is obviously flavoured by that. Given that the average number of children per family is now at under two, and most people live into their 80s I can't see that for most parents the really hands on parenting stage lasts very long in the scheme of things (perhaps a tenth of your life?) so it seems unwise to base your existence too much around motherhood.

I know that's true for some, my BIL and sister are likely to be carers for most of their adult lives, unless both of their SN children find good care homes where they are happy. But I think that being a carer is a different if supplementary role, and a role rather than a job, because it is much more all encompassing than a job (no 9-5 for a start).

I think that there is a fair bit of social stigma in never working, or the "single mum on benefits" stereotype, but I really don't think choosing to be a SAHM it is comparable to the 50's when women were actively barred from many careers. Women who worked (in professional roles that is, after all many women have worked since the year dot) were exceptional, whereas there is a fairly mixed environment now. Plenty of prejudice around still, but then that cuts both ways.