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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to ask our weddin g guests to pay for their meal?

489 replies

bratnav · 18/02/2009 15:32

Because DP and I genuinely have no cash, we got a great deal (£15 per head for 3 courses) and we are only inviting close family & friends to the wedding. We did specify that this would be INSTEAD of any wedding presents.

(We are getting married now as I am PG, so we brought it forward).

Oh, the reason I ask is that everyone we have verbally invited was very cool with it, but my Mother has kicked off about it

OP posts:
redflipflops · 18/02/2009 16:42

If a friend invited me to a wedding like yours I'd be delighted. I'd hate to think a friend was going into debt to buy me a meal... and also prefer a friend (who was pg with 3 kids) to not cater herself - unless that was her actual choice.

do whatever you want. Good luck and have a fantastic day.

blimey am amazed at some of the answers on this thread. people have such conventional views about weddings - what's the correct 'etiquette' for their 'guests' etc...

it's a celebration between friends and family

Songbird · 18/02/2009 16:43

bratnav - glad you've stopped crying and are up to sticking your tongue out. Chin up duck, you're doing the right thing! Now get MN towers delete this thread as new people will only pick up on it later and it'll all kick off again.

Have a fantastic cosy wedding with all your nearest and dearest. Congrats on the wedding and the baby

Timeisablindguide · 18/02/2009 16:44

I don't think you can invite people to a wedding and expect them to pay for their own meal. If it's just a celebratory meal out to celebrate a marriage ie not a proper reception, then fair enough but otherwise, sorry, don't have a wedding like that if it's not in your budget - and if your mum feels strongly, maybe she could help pay towards having the day you really want.

Original poster
bratnav · 18/02/2009 16:44

TBH I am not on amazing terms with my parents anyway, I am inviting them out of politeness, so the fact that she is bitching about how we want to do the wedding has really raised my hackles.

I was inches from adding a not their invite which woulds have said something similar to 'we would love you both to come but please only attend if you can genuinely be happy for us and celebrate our marriage' which I know is harsh, but there is a LOT of not nice history.

OP posts:
Stretch · 18/02/2009 16:45

Just another thought too, I couldn't afford to invite my Aunt to the day recption. We just invited to the evening. However, when she rang to accept, she asked if she could come along to the wedding ceremony to see us get married! I did feel a bit bad that we couldn't have her to the meal after, but she didn't mind as the main thing was us getting married

muddleduck · 18/02/2009 16:45

You are being very reasonable and very sensible.
As long as you word it tactfully there is absolutely no problem with this.

I don't get why it is not ok to suggest the people pay £15 for a nice meal but it is ok to expect them to pay a fortune in travel and accommodation as long as you give them some free food when they get there. Who gives a about the rules? Your day - your rules.

Have a wonderful day and don't stress about it.

Thunderduck · 18/02/2009 16:46

That'll be why she's bitching then, because she can, not because she thinks it's rude.

TotalChaos · 18/02/2009 16:46

lol at the hotdog. I think for a good pg skint friend I would be perfectly happy to pay £15 for the meal.

TheFallenMadonna · 18/02/2009 16:47

I still reckon someone's asked her why she's not helping out.

Thunderduck · 18/02/2009 16:47

I'd have thrown the hotdog at him.

Original poster
bratnav · 18/02/2009 16:48

The wedding is 2 weeks on Friday (6th March)

The venue is here It is a stunning place, and I think our family and friends will love it

OP posts:
Original poster
bratnav · 18/02/2009 16:49

Well my parents didn't help to pay for the last one either, and that was £000s

They don't let silly things like what people think of them bother them, they just have another drink instead

OP posts:
Songbird · 18/02/2009 16:50

Looks beautiful, have a lovely time.

MegBusset · 18/02/2009 16:50

YANBU at all! People go a bit mental over weddings, really. It's nobody's business but your own how you celebrate your wedding day. I wouldn't mind at all paying £15 for a meal with a close friend or relative.

We had a cheapo wedding and I got stick from some of DH's family because I didn't have buttonholes. I mean ffs! Someone will always find something to moan about, the thing that annoys me about weddings is that other people feel they have ownership of it. You have to develop cloth ears and just get on with doing what you want.

Have a lovely day

nkf · 18/02/2009 16:50

Have a lovely day. The venue looks lovely. Ignore people like me. I'm old and frumpy and I've read so many MN threads where people are asking guests to pay for their own drinks in outrageously overpriced hotel bars or travel overseas to spend three nights getting drunk in Prague. My response was a bit knee jerk.

I'll give you a wedding present - virtual mind. What woudl you like?

Gorionine · 18/02/2009 16:51

Bratnav, just out of curiosity, you tell about all your friends who will be helping (photograph, flute) and your soon to be MIl with the dresses, is your mum involved in any way at all?

DH and I had a very small wedding as well because the money was very short. We had a very nice home cooked meal at my parents (12 people in total) and it was really great!

A lot of things went wrong on the day:

  • Dh missed his plane to attend his own wedding... but got there, EVENTUALLY
  • The person who was collecting him from the airport could not remember where they had parked their car and reported it stolen, only to "find" it back minutes after exactly where it was supposed to be...

-There was a washing machine on at the back of the mosque room where we were married and, cherry on the cake, when my mum and I saw who the imam who was marrying us was she almost fainted as we had seen him a couple of days before in the news as a terrorist suspect...

13 years on, we are still as happy as ever despite the many spanners in the work!

Believe me It does not really matter what happens on the day, you will just love remebering it.

All the best

stardazzle · 18/02/2009 16:51

is this the menu sounds so yummy

Idrankthechristmasspirits · 18/02/2009 16:51

Aw, it looks lovely. Enjoy your day.

onlinemummy · 18/02/2009 16:52

I wouldn't mind paying it. At least you are being up front about the cost. Weddings are really expensive to attend, just because they are hidden costs doesn't make it less expensive. Have a lovely day.

Thunderduck · 18/02/2009 16:53

It looks lovely.Congratulations on the wedding and baby and hope you have a wonderful day.

Thunderduck · 18/02/2009 16:54

OMG Gorionine, what a day. I wouldn't know whether to laugh or cry.

jrsqueak · 18/02/2009 16:56

Seriously bratnav - we also have 4 children. youngest only 4 months old and for us we want to make it official so the party etc not really important iyswim. All our friends and family were happy to be invited to celebrate with us. We put it that we were going for a meal and anyone could join us. I am very shocked at the yabu comments in the current climate. It is your wedding - just enjoy it. Have a good day

Gorionine · 18/02/2009 16:56

I did both, in the opposit order though!

Original poster
bratnav · 18/02/2009 16:57

No my Mum isn't helping at all, she is not really interested.

That is the menu, I am dribbling already

nkf - can I have a virtual toasted sandwich maker please? I genuinely want one as it is the one piece of kitchen equipment I don't own, and I am craving cheese and ham toasties atm

OP posts:
MegBusset · 18/02/2009 16:58

That menu looks amazing, can I come?

(PS -- get some Toaster Bags)