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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to ask our weddin g guests to pay for their meal?

489 replies

bratnav · 18/02/2009 15:32

Because DP and I genuinely have no cash, we got a great deal (£15 per head for 3 courses) and we are only inviting close family & friends to the wedding. We did specify that this would be INSTEAD of any wedding presents.

(We are getting married now as I am PG, so we brought it forward).

Oh, the reason I ask is that everyone we have verbally invited was very cool with it, but my Mother has kicked off about it

OP posts:
Original poster
bratnav · 18/02/2009 16:58

Gorionine - I have heard that the worse the wedding the better the marriage, it is obviously true in your case, how lovely.

OP posts:
Helen31 · 18/02/2009 16:58

Bratnav - with all the context YANBU. Sounds lovely and the important thing is that you will be marrying the man you love.

LOL at GossipMonger - you really should have finished your story with a Catherine Tate style "the dirty bast*s" though.

serenity · 18/02/2009 17:00

Only flicked through the thread (because otherwise I'd probably get miffed!) but just wanted to say that YANBU, mainly because we did this

We were skint, I was 7 months pregnant, DH suddenly decided that after 10 years of being antimarriage we absolutely had to get hitched before DS1 was born...

MIL made me a dress, DH wore an suit, BF bought me flowers as a wedding gift. We told everyone we couldn't afford a reception (we actually did the 'reception' on our 10th anniversary) but we were going for a meal afterwards and anyone who wished to join us would be more than welcome, but we understood if they couldn't. 54 people decided to go with us, we bought wine for the tables but that was it. We had a lovely time, as everyone else

In all the years since, we've never had any indication from anyone that what we did was out of order, or that anyone was miffed we did it.

Enjoy your wedding, you know your friends better than anyone on here.

ChampagneDahling · 18/02/2009 17:00

Firstly Bratnav WELL DONE for getting married (again) in the first place - I really hope you'll both be very happy together and get over any family problems. Be happy

I started off reading this thread thinking my goodness how can you ask other people to pay for their own meal at a wedding reception, then I read on and on and on (gave up about page 5 I think!) and then I realised why we are all on MN - to get a broad and unbiased perspective of a problem from a very wide and sensible group of people/mumsnetters. Well done everyone.

Now I think, what the hell - do what is right for you Bratnav - I'm sure that if I knew you as well as the people you have invited (possibly excepting your parents!) then I would be delighted to come and share in your happy day and happy to fork out a not unreasonable £15 for a 3 course meal, just to be there for you and support you. Congratulations to the hotel for offering a free glass of champagne - I like the sound of them !!

Remember Bratnav, this day is all about you and your DP, now go and enjoy it without guilt

Original poster
bratnav · 18/02/2009 17:00

Meg - you are a genius

Actually, I think DP said it was the wedding menu, but for the lunch prices. Not sure, it all looks lovely anyway, bloody hormones.

Thanks Thunderduck

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MegBusset · 18/02/2009 17:01

My sister got married in Australia (since divorced!). Other friends of ours got married in Vegas. DH was best man at a wedding in south London and the night before we had to pay to stay in a godawful flearidden firetrap of a hotel where we were kept awake all night by some bloke shagging a tart in the room above.

Yours sounds remarkably good value in comparison!

LibrasJusticeLeagueofBiscuits · 18/02/2009 17:03

I was going to read the whole thread but then got to this post by bratnav

"I feel dreadful I have put our friends and family in this position now"

Please,please don't feel dreadful, I am sure your close friends and family will understand I would quite happily pay £15 for a meal to celebrate a friends wedding especially if you have worded the invite as you said you did. This is your day, you will have a fabulous time.

Original poster
bratnav · 18/02/2009 17:03

TBH this is all the DDs fault, if it wasn't for them, we would be off at the register office having dragged 2 old biddies off the street as witnesses, but we promised them they could be bridesmaids but

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compo · 18/02/2009 17:04

I once went to a wedding about 300 miles away
so we traveled there
booked a hotel
went to ceremony
went to the pub afterwards where no food was served at all (pub not serving food at all so couldn't buy any either), not even a free ddrink
was absolutely starving, bride and groom left early along with wedding party to see a relative who couldn't come
went out for a meal with friends in the end which was lovely but the whole thing cost us £300
wouldn't have gone if we'd known tbh

Nabster · 18/02/2009 17:05

meg beat me to it. i was going to say toaster bags too. much better than sandwhich makers. easier to clean and cheaper. watch though as they are very hot when taken out of the toaster. get some toaster tongs, only £2.

charitygirl · 18/02/2009 17:06

Not read the whole thread but I know most people are going to say no.

But it's so silly isn't it...most weddings I go to I don't pay for the meal but I fork out for a smart outfit cos it's a smart do, travel and accommodation more often that not, present, hen weekend...a lot, basicaly!

Compared to £15? I wouldn't begrudge you at all, no more than I begrudge the trad brides. I'd accept your invitation and if anyone else got sniffy about etiquette I'd tell them to get their priorities straight.

Thunderduck · 18/02/2009 17:09

I find that toaster bags don't sufficiently toast the bread. It tends to either burn it or leave half of it barely toasted.

slightlycrumpled · 18/02/2009 17:11

bratnav We did a similar thing for the christening of our DS's. We worded it as you have on your invitations and again only invited close family and friends. Everybody was totally fine and in fact the next couple of family christenings have been done in the same way.

For someone who was important to me that I loved I would go and pay for myself without a moments hesitation.

for you that your mum is not being more helpful/sympathetic, but as you say it's not the first time ignore, ignore, ignore!

Have a fab day!

MegBusset · 18/02/2009 17:11

I 'pre-toast' the bread lightly first. Then make sarnie and put in toaster bag.

mrsruffallo · 18/02/2009 17:12

Sorry but I do think it's a bit cheeky. I would rather pre cook a buffet meal at home than make guests pay!!!!

Nabster · 18/02/2009 17:14

She isn't making anyone pay.

Thunderduck · 18/02/2009 17:16

I'll try that Meg ty.

TinkerBellesMumandFiFi2 · 18/02/2009 17:20

We're planning a Medieval wedding, we're arranging for a company to bring costumes to the venue and are going to ask the guests to not buy gifts (second time for both and we have everything we need) and to hire a costume on the day. It's £30 each and we'll put some money aside for those who can't afford it or if they're a big family. We are going to write a letter (scroll in style ) explaining things.

As long as you are honest I don't think people will mind. If you are inviting children maybe think about having a budget to cover people who would be spending a lot more than others.

Bubbaluv · 18/02/2009 17:20

MrsRuffallo, I think she already said that even a buffet at home would cost too much. Have you seen how small the guest list is?
It's not a first wedding either - surely thier nearst and dearest should be expected to be understanding given the circumstances?

Original poster
bratnav · 18/02/2009 17:23

Well the only DCs are ours, plus our nephew who is 6 months, so that is not a problem thankfully

OP posts:
Original poster
bratnav · 18/02/2009 17:24

Oooh, Tinkerbelle some friends of exH and I had a medeival banquet type wedding and it was amazing, we did have to hire our own costumes, but it was amazing fun, hope it goes really well for you

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Ewe · 18/02/2009 17:24

YANBU

You have asked for instead of a gift they pay for food they are going to eat! I can't see the problem at all, if they don't like it, they can always not come. You are saving them the time of having to go and chose a gift and money as they would have probably spent more than £15 anyway.

Have a wonderful day!

Devendra · 18/02/2009 17:27

I havn't read it all but I think YANBU.
I would have absolutely no problem whatsoever if a close friend or family member asked me to pay for my meal at their wedding. Fgs its not a big deal at all.. you are hardly asking them to pay for the whole wedding!!
Years ago I was invited to a friends wedding.. they were very skint and hired a room and asked all the guests to bring a dish of food for the buffet. it was also medieval themed. was the best wedding I had ever been too..loads of fun and not one person was miserable about having to contribute towards the day of people they cared about. TBH i really can't see what the big deal is..

AmIOdetteOrOdile · 18/02/2009 17:31

Bratnav - I think this is one of those situations where you could have done with including some more info in the OP. For example, if you had said that you had already sent the invitations, and that there were only 14 guests, you would have had a lot fewer YABUs!!
(I for one started off as a definite YABU but changed my mind halfway through!)

Anyway, hope you have a lovely lovely day, and congrats on the PG.

bunjies · 18/02/2009 17:31

YADNBU

You have explained clearly & politely why you're doing it this way. I'm absolutely sure they wouldn't begrudge the £15/person meal instead of a present. People shouldn't look at a wedding invite as a free nosh-up. Personally I would feel very honoured to have been included in such a select gathering.

I don't know why people think it's bad form.