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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to ask our weddin g guests to pay for their meal?

489 replies

bratnav · 18/02/2009 15:32

Because DP and I genuinely have no cash, we got a great deal (£15 per head for 3 courses) and we are only inviting close family & friends to the wedding. We did specify that this would be INSTEAD of any wedding presents.

(We are getting married now as I am PG, so we brought it forward).

Oh, the reason I ask is that everyone we have verbally invited was very cool with it, but my Mother has kicked off about it

OP posts:
AtheneNoctua · 18/02/2009 20:36

Well, then they have no business saying how it should be organised.

Sawyer64 · 18/02/2009 20:40

What about DP's parents,any help there?

If you pay for the wedding yourself,you usually have a little bit of debt or "extra" to find,could you not put it on a Credit Card?

Or ask a really close friend/relative/DP's Parents to lend you some,and pay it back in installments maybe?

Maybe they'll "write it off" as a wedding present if you are really lucky

wb · 18/02/2009 20:47

I was about to post that YABU and what you are proposing is rude which I suppose strictly speaking is true but actually if a good friend of mine suggested this it wouldn't bother me at all - I'd just want to celebrate with them. So on that basis (close family and friends only) YANBU

Sassybeast · 18/02/2009 21:15

I haven't read the whole thread either cos I want to get to bed before midnight but if that is the menu it sounds well posh and as it's your close family, YANBU at all. Weddings bring out the absolute worst in people - I have recently watched with glee as a friend of ours who married the ultimite Bridezilla a couple of years ago (no kids, travel to the arse end of nowhere and wear a specific COLOUR - pink and silver) has thrown a hissy fit cos her precious baby is not invited to another friends wedding. oh how we have laughed.....

Enjoy your day!

Hulababy · 18/02/2009 21:19

"If you can't afford to pay for your guests meals then wait til you can afford it. That's why most people save up for their big day, so they can pay for their guests."

So a free meal is more important than the commitment that is marriage Glad people have their priorities right!

Hulababy · 18/02/2009 21:21

And to suggest people should get into debt for the sake of buying their close friends a freebie meal esp in these more difficult financial times. or maybe it is because so many people thing the credit card option should be the ideal route that we are in such an economic mess?

PorridgeBrain · 18/02/2009 21:25

I have to say that I'm rather stunned by the rather blase comments of 'can't you just put it on a credit card and pay it off ' . OP is being sensible, putting the welfare of her children first by not spending beyond her means at a time when she is about to have a baby and lets face it, in the current financial climate, none of us know if we will have a job tomorrow and be able to pay off massive credit cards bills. She has been respectful to those she is inviting by not 'expecting' them to come and pay for a meal but giving them the option of celebrating with them after the wedding and not asking for gifts. I appreciate it not the 'traditional' way of doing things but does it really matter??? Personally, if I was invited to a wedding where all it would cost me was £15 then it would be the cheapest wedding I've ever been to!

serin · 18/02/2009 21:28

Goodluck to you Bratnav,
I wouldn't mind a bit if I was asked to contribute in this way, if they love you they will be there.

BettySwollux · 18/02/2009 21:36

I was asked to be bridesmaid/witness for a friend, they were then going onto a local pub and everyone was expected to pay for themselves.
We were really skint at the time and DH wasnt getting paid till 2 days after the wedding.
I asked her if she could pay for my meal (she was my bridesmaid at my wedding, which must have cost me £100 for her and her DP).
She refused.
I asked if she would pay, and I would refund her the money when DH got paid as I really wanted to be there.
She refused.
She insisted I buy new outfit to be her witness.
And she expected presents!
My mam loaned me the money.
We arent close anymore.

I cant decide whether or not YABU, on one hand, you have been upfront with everyone, and they (apart from your mum) seem ok with it.
On the other, well its not really the done thing.

Your day, your choice.
Would you enjoy your day as much with just you and DH? That way you dont have to fork out anything.

Original poster
bratnav · 18/02/2009 21:36

Sawyer, DPs parents have already bought the DDs bridesmaids dresses (from Monsoon so not £00s but still quite a lot). They also bailed us out to the tune of 3 months wages last year when DP got made redundant, I wouldn't dream of asking them, they insisted on buying the dresses for the girls.

OP posts:
StewieGriffinsMom · 18/02/2009 21:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Tabithacat · 18/02/2009 21:47

Bratnav - it's not unreasonable, it's a great wedding idea and I wouldn't mind at all, especially since you have basically told everyone that it is a special day that you would like to celebrate with just some intimate friends, without all the new clothes, children/no children and all the other silly hoohar connected to a wedding.

I have just been invited to a wedding, in a posh hotel, so drinks will be extortionate, we will need new dressy, clothes for all, and we would have to stay in the hotel for a cool £230 for one night for our own family. So I have turned that one down!

Have a great time, enjoy celebrating with your family and friends. It is what you are doing that is important, not how you do it!!!

amidaiwish · 18/02/2009 21:47

forgive me as i have only read the 1st 3 pages.
initially i thought "no you can't do that" but i think it depends on how you position it.
i went to a friend's wedding where he got married in a registry office and there was no reception after, just a few drinks.

then he was going to a restaurant with just the wedding party (6 of them including him and new wife). we all effectively "crashed" it - though we planned to all along and had told the restaurant we were coming and we knew he would love that we all came. We were all more than happy to pay our way.

Could you do something a bit less "official" like that - get someone else to organise it on your behalf?

ravenAK · 18/02/2009 21:51

It's a fabulous idea.

Your family & friends are helping you to celebrate, not uneasily buying you some piece of kitchen tat you don't want or need. It's an amount most can readily afford. No faffing on outfits/hotels/travel. The food looks great.

I sincerely hope this one catches on!

mumeeee · 18/02/2009 21:54

YABu, It seems rude and cheeky to ask weding guests to pay for their meal.

BabyBump2B · 18/02/2009 21:59

Well only you can know your friends and family and the invite is sent so its not worth worrying about really.

This might be really unpopular but I'd be less likely to want to pay to attend a 2nd wedding than a first. I would have already shelled out for presents and outfits and everything else the first time round. I've just had to turn down attending my sister's 2nd wedding as they want to do it on a cruise. We spent a fortune to attend her 1st and it only lasted 3 months!

So I'm on the fence too, it would have to be a really special circumstance for this to be ok for me. That said I would always say it was ok even if I felt it was off!

neenztwinz · 18/02/2009 21:59

I think it is fine, and I know other people who have done it. I wouldn't mind, in fact I would be glad you weren't getting yourself into debt. I agree you have to be up front, give people the option of not coming if they don't want to. Sounds like you have done that already anyway.

My DH has friends who expect us to fork out £80 for a meal every time they have a birthday - so I don't think it is wrong to ask people to pay £15 a head for a wedding.

neenztwinz · 18/02/2009 22:02

I don't see what everyone's problem is - you go to a restaurant, pay for a meal, eat a meal... people do it all the time. Why is it wrong just cos someone just got married?

Minxie1977 · 18/02/2009 22:12

There was too much to read all so sorry if this has been said - YANBU Why anyone's being unkind about your choice is beyond me. You want to get married not get into debt!

If the people you invited are your friends, they will understand if you're skint. They can always RSVP with a NO if not!!

Maybe you could pay for DP's parents as a thank you for the dresses.

TinkerBellesMumandFiFi2 · 18/02/2009 22:12

Have people missed who the guest list is? It's not like they're booking a big event with 200 poeple and asking them all to pay!

I think if you were arranging a big thing then it wouldn't be fair, but arranging to go out with your family after your wedding is nice. It's not much differet to inviting everyone out to a meal for your birthday.

Well said hula and porridge.

piscesmoon · 18/02/2009 22:17

'That's why most people save up for their big day, so they can pay for their guests.'

This is the bit I don't understand-she isn't having a big day!
It is nice to have one to look back on, but the wedding day is actually of no importance at all-the next 50 yrs or so are the important thing!
She can't afford it, they are living together with children and another expected. Why should she want to save up for a 'big day'when she has much greater use for the money?
I am invited to a wedding in Scotland-I am looking forward to it, but 5 of us will need to travel, stay at least 2 nights in a hotel or B&B, have new outfits and buy a present. Given a choice I would prefer to be local and spend £15 on a meal!
If it was my close relative or friend (she isn't asking anyone else)I would much rather she spent the money on her family and we all paid for a nice meal.(a nice meal would be better than having a budget buffet, just so that we could be called 'guests').

Ivykaty44 · 18/02/2009 22:21

If you invited me and said it was in a church hall and everyone was bringing food - I would be more than happy to bring a dish to feed 20 people. For everyone to bring food and have a good jolly get together in one place and two families come together would be great.

In fact if you gave me a list of food and thinkgs to do - and then I choose and tick of like a wedding list I would think it was a great idea to have a none matrialistic wedding breakfast.

If you invite me to go out for a meal and then tell me what I am going to eat and get me to pay for my meal i would be a little irritated, as it would be far cheaper the first way and there are lots of people that are a bit skint ATM.

piscesmoon · 18/02/2009 22:35

The £15 is instead of a present Ivykaty, I don't think that anyone manages to go to a wedding generally and pays less than that. My invitation to Scotland is going to cost £100's - but I get a free meal.I don't mind-it will be a big wedding.
Making food for a buffet costs not only money but time-I think I would rather take the easy way and pay for the meal.
I think that I will just encourage my DSs to elope if they ever want to marry!

Timeisablindguide · 18/02/2009 22:43

I posted before saying I didn't think you ought to expect guests to pay for their own food if it's a reception-y type meal as opposed to a more casual celebratory meal but it seems that's the main aim of it anyway so although it's not the norm I think if your friends are happy to pay themselves, then fair enough! Hope you have a wonderful time!

Tclanger · 18/02/2009 22:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.