Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 ··· 12 13 14 ··· 19 20

Original poster

to ask our weddin g guests to pay for their meal?

489 replies

bratnav · 18/02/2009 15:32

Because DP and I genuinely have no cash, we got a great deal (£15 per head for 3 courses) and we are only inviting close family & friends to the wedding. We did specify that this would be INSTEAD of any wedding presents.

(We are getting married now as I am PG, so we brought it forward).

Oh, the reason I ask is that everyone we have verbally invited was very cool with it, but my Mother has kicked off about it

OP posts:

TheyCallMePeachy · 18/02/2009 19:46

Bratnav I almost guarantee the way this marriage ended will not happen to you

And if he does marry a Thain prositute abroad whilst impregnating you and usiingb your house as a stiorage yard for his child porn, porn dvd's and fake footie gear, then the D word will be a positive!!!!!!

dmo · 18/02/2009 19:46

everyone paid for their own meals at our wedding we only invited mother/fathers and siblings.
pil invited people fron ireland and paid for their meals which was fine by me.

we paid for buffet at night

steviesgirl · 18/02/2009 19:47

You can't ask guests to share your big day with you and then ask them to pay!! Regardless of the fact you can't afford it, it's just not the done thing. Very cheeky to say the least.

If you can't afford to pay for your guests meals then wait til you can afford it. That's why most people save up for their big day, so they can pay for their guests.

YABVU! Never heard of it tbh.

warthog · 18/02/2009 19:56

onebatmother, it's custom. normally as a guest you're expected to dress appropriately so that might mean buying an outfit, get babysitters, pay for travel and pay for a wedding gift. in return you spend the day with people you care for and are taken care of by enjoying hospitality. sort of quid pro quo.

if you ask people to pay for their meal instead of buy a gift i do think that is unusual. it kinda feels like as a guest, i would be paying for everything. that's why if it were a family member or a close friend it would be ok. it wouldn't be ok for an acquaintance. i'd feel like i were being charged to go to someone's wedding. sure, i'd be let off the cost of the present, but i feel the same as you - i generally can't be arsed with weddings. close friends and family - yes, i love them! but acquaintances - no way.

MumsyPiemaker · 18/02/2009 19:59

We did that on our wedding. INvited about 20 people to the registry office, then had the meal in a down the road restaurant and worded the invite something like "we already have everything we need, so no presents please, but please feel free to contribute to the meal if you want to". So personally I don't think YABU. And by the way - a lot of our guests said it was the most informal, and relaxed, chilled out wedding they had ever been to.

MadameCastafiore · 18/02/2009 20:00

God - really bad form to ask someone to a something and then expect or ask them to pay for their meal!

MumsyPiemaker · 18/02/2009 20:02

But it was just close friends and family though. Was a nice restaurant, they chose their own meals and drinks. People did contribute very willingly and we ended up paying for about two thirds of the meal ourselves. It really was purely because we did not want wedding presents - not because we were skint.

LucyEllensmummy · 18/02/2009 20:04

only read the first few posts but YANBU, i think one of the reasons we have never got married is because we don't want to fork out a fortune on other people when we can't afford it. I mean, what happens is - people come, eat your food, get pissed on the bar tab, let their kids run riot and then feck off home. bah humbug to the whole thing.

Do you have to have a sit down meal? Could you maybe have it catered for, but i imagine it wouldn't be much cheaper.

If i were invited to a wedding on these grounds, i would probably only go if it were a close friend or close family member, because im broke too.

Are you having a honeymoon? If so, could you ask for contributions towards this as wedding presents and then fork out for the meal? Friends of mine are doing this, they are having a Hog roast - id much prefer that actually than a sit down meal, but thats just me.

Original poster

bratnav · 18/02/2009 20:04

We could have had a buffet either at home or in a hall, but TBH when we canvassed opinion, almost everyone said they would rather have the meal in the swanky restaurant and pay towards it.

OP posts:

Thunderduck · 18/02/2009 20:06

Sounds like you're doing the right thing then Bratnav. Now relax,and don't worry about it any more.

MumsyPiemaker · 18/02/2009 20:07

I think this really is a personal choice and depends on who you are and who your friends are and what they know about you. To some it can be seen as cheeky and tight fisted, whereas to others it seems a logical and practical thing to do. After all one way or another you pay - either you buy a present or you contribute to the meal. We just did not want presents. Also we lived in a tiny studio flat at the time, so there would have been nowhere to put said presents, and we did not want any fuss - just a few friends to have lunch with us for a celebration, rather in the same way as if we had all gone out to lunch/dinner in a restaurant for any other celebration. We are very no frills people and our friends know that and do not judge us badly for that.
It is very easy to judge people, I think the OP is very brave for putting such a personal issue to open discussion. I wouldn't have.

LucyEllensmummy · 18/02/2009 20:08

yep - your happy, guests are happy - if your mum doesn't like it, she is just going to have to suck it up! If she feels that strongly that you shoul be paying due to etiquette, then she should cough up herself. I mean, that would be nice wouldnt it/

believer07 · 18/02/2009 20:08

No YANBU - we only wanted a small wedding as we could not afford to pay for a reception, when people found out they really wanted to come - so we said that they would have to pay for thier own food, they all said it was not a problem, we booked the (large country pub )and they all paid for thier own food - we said that we did not want any prezzies as people had paid for themselves. We had a great day and everyone said what a great day it was - it was very relaxed as it was not a formal meal - people sat with who they wanted and ate what they wanted. We did not get many prezzies - but what mattered was that people came and had a good time.

loopylil · 18/02/2009 20:09

its not £15 a head is it really? most of the guests are couples who have joint finances so thats £30.00 minus travel and drinks probably totals nearer to £50.00 out of the households money, PLUS a wedding present because even if i received an invite saying meal instead of a present id still buy one because a. im an old romantic and think you should have a memento of your day from your guests (no toaster from me) and b. it would just feel odd to not give you a present i think this would go for most people.
its your special day so don't stress about it and have a fantastic time but in my opinion i think its wrong to charge guests for their own food to celebrate your day.

Original poster

bratnav · 18/02/2009 20:10

Wouldn't it just LEM

Mumsey, glad to hear from someone else that did this and worked out well.

OP posts:

LucyEllensmummy · 18/02/2009 20:11

I went to my BILs wedding, they spent a fortune for an OK reception in an OK hotel. The place was packed full of distant cousins that only ever surface at weddings or funerals. They didn't have a honeymoon because after splashing out on the wedding they couldnt afford it. I would resent this if it were me - my BIL was like a headless chicken making sure everyone was enjoying themselves (hes quite lovely my BIL, despite being a PITA). SIL the same, they were so busy seeing to the guests, i dont think they saw much of each other all night.

onebatmother · 18/02/2009 20:11

oh, fuck form, really. Weddings are the height of vulgarity usually, in any case. This is her v close friends and family. Guests may choose whether or not to atted.

Honestly, if a set of my friends were so hard up that they couldn't afford to pay for the food it wouldn't occur to me to quibble. I'd count my blessings and go out of my way not to make them feel in the slightest bit embarrassed.

MumsyPiemaker · 18/02/2009 20:11

Bratnav have your wedding, have the meal and get your guests to contribute. If they are your real friends they will understand. We had a brilliant day - got dressed and got a cab to the register office - bought the flowers on the way in as an after thought - it was very romantic and very lovely. Bigger is not always better. Have a wonderful wedding - do what is in your heart and you will be fine.

Sawyer64 · 18/02/2009 20:17

Don't think you can call them guests if they are paying for their own meal really.

We did our wedding on a small budget, I took on an extra morning for 4 months to pay for it.

A venue laying on a buffet would be less,add £50 for a few bottles of wine.Get a friend to make the cake.Would still be a celebration,and you can have photo's taken by friends and put into an album .

Original poster

bratnav · 18/02/2009 20:23

Sawyer, I am making our cake and my cousin is doing our photos for free, we really are on a tiny budget and only decided to bring the wedding forward due to my pregnancy about a week ago, so not really much time to save up.

OP posts:

AtheneNoctua · 18/02/2009 20:27

I agree with your mum, however, as she is your mum, why is she not paying for it?
I have (shamefully) only read OP.

jenkel · 18/02/2009 20:27

Its not something that I would feel comfortable with, I have been invited to a wedding where the reception was at a pub and we had to pay for the meal, I was a bit taken aback at first, but didnt say anything to the bride and groom, went and had a lovely time.

However, I think the idea of a buffet and asking everybody to take a dish is a lovely idea, and I would be really chuffed to be asked to that kind of wedding.

Thunderduck · 18/02/2009 20:28

I don't think parents need to pay for the wedding. That's a rather old fashioned idea imho.

LazyLinePainterJane · 18/02/2009 20:30

YABU, if you cannot afford a sit down meal, you need to think of something else. We couldn't afford meals for everyone so we had a large picnic. It was really nice and inexpensive! But then, that was in keeping with the theme of the wedding.

Weddings do not need to cost a lot.

Original poster

bratnav · 18/02/2009 20:31

Athene - well this is my 2nd marriage, and they refused to contribute to the 1st, so there was no way they would help with this one

OP posts:

Flip

1 2 ··· 12 13 14 ··· 19 20