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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to ask our weddin g guests to pay for their meal?

489 replies

bratnav · 18/02/2009 15:32

Because DP and I genuinely have no cash, we got a great deal (£15 per head for 3 courses) and we are only inviting close family & friends to the wedding. We did specify that this would be INSTEAD of any wedding presents.

(We are getting married now as I am PG, so we brought it forward).

Oh, the reason I ask is that everyone we have verbally invited was very cool with it, but my Mother has kicked off about it

OP posts:
GossipMonger · 18/02/2009 18:31

Some would love that and others wouldnt!!

DH would hate it but I would love it!

We are hoping to do a James Bond theme 40th wedding anniversary party do for my parents next year. The idea is that we can all wear cool JB type clothes and the boys will wear a tux and the girls can wear ball gowns.

DH will not do this but as he is the chef and cooking the meal, we can dress up and he can wear chef whites!

It is called knowing your audience/friends/guests!!

TinkerBellesMumandFiFi2 · 18/02/2009 18:32

Oh and there is no obligation for anyone to dress up. They can enjoy the Medieval band, caller, food, activities without being dressed up and I'm sure the photographer will be able to arrange the pictures so that the pictures don't look odd.

As for the money we're giving them a lot of money to cover those who can't afford to pay £30 each, so some people won't have to pay anything at all.

Quattrocento · 18/02/2009 18:36

I wouldn't ask anyone to pay to go to a wedding - not done

wasaconventgirl · 18/02/2009 18:36

Of course your not BU. If your mother is'nyt happy ask her to cough up.

Tamarto · 18/02/2009 18:39

Nabster no she didn't but she did say she was sending out an explination, no one is obliged to go to a wedding, well except the bride and groom

CoteDAzur · 18/02/2009 18:40

YABU. Why do a dinner if you can't afford it? Have a cocktail with some finger food being passed around, and you're done.

Tamarto · 18/02/2009 18:40

No one is asking anyone to pay to go to a wedding so that's ok then.

moondog · 18/02/2009 18:47

'remind her that as the mother of the Bride she should really be paying! Maybe that will make her see the sense in the idea'

Eh Bubbaluv?
Since when was a parent under an obligation to provide a wedding partic. for someone who appears to be co-habiting.

nappyzonehasastroppytoddler · 18/02/2009 18:59

Now i see the guest list i totally do not think yabu and wish you a happy happy day and future. ALso in your op i thought you ment the response was cool as in frosty not as in cool as in positive yeah cool!

ib · 18/02/2009 18:59

Wow, I'm really flummoxed by the yabus on this thread. I would be totally OK with it, in fact would much prefer it to one of those massively ostentatious weddings where you end up having to spend a small fortune on dresses, transportation and accommodation (without even starting on the gifts).

piscesmoon · 18/02/2009 19:04

I think that some of the people who are joining in with YABU haven't actually read the whole thread and have no idea what sort of day OP has planned.

moondog · 18/02/2009 19:08

I've read it and still think it off.

ladymariner · 18/02/2009 19:12

Just skimmed the thread (ignore kalo, the rude woman!) and wanted to add to the YADDDNBU vein.
I think it's a fab idea, and I know I'd much rather pay a measly £15 qnd enjoy a lovely meal with my loved ones then scrat about trying to find a suitable wedding gift, and definately more than shoving money into an envelope, which I do think is the epitome of bad taste!!!
Yoy have a baby on the way, why the hell would you want to fork out a large amount of money on your wedding in this situation. I think you are doing exactly the right thing and I can't imagine why anyone in their right mind would think otherwise.
I hope you have a lovely day, and wishing you all the very best for when baby comes along
xx

PersephoneSnape · 18/02/2009 19:20

i skimmed as well (sorry!) i think it's fine. I had a buffet that a friend organised as her present (we paid, she cooked) andit was fine, but you do what youthinkis best for you - I would rather my daughter spent £ on herself, her partner and my DGcs than spending it on a meal ( and i think you got a really good deal from your rerstaurent) I hope you have a lovely special day. congratulations in advance.

TheyCallMePeachy · 18/02/2009 19:25

initial thoughtwas not comfy with the idea

but my sister'swedding was a bring a plate do and it was fabulous, another friend had aweddingand asked if friendswould like to join them etcetc and friends had to pAay

i didnt go to that one but sis was bm and said it was lovely

so itsworkable if you manageexpectation I think

TheyCallMePeachy · 18/02/2009 19:28

oh yes havea lovely day

better£15 on food than driving 30 miles to a specific antique shop to donate towards a piecethat became firework fodder post divorce (!)

piscesmoon · 18/02/2009 19:29

The wedding day is completely unimportant-it is the years that come after that matter!

If someone has no money it is stupid to get into debt just to provide a meal. She isn't asking anyone to pay for a very expensive meal; 3 courses for £15 is just about as reasonable as you can manage.
She also isn't producing a very expensive gift list or expecting people to travel so far from home that they have to pay for accomodation.
If she was having a traditional wedding it would not be acceptable, but this is not a traditional wedding.
Her guests have had it explained-they are free to decline!

Original poster
bratnav · 18/02/2009 19:29

Phew, ok well it doesn't look like a complete etiquette error in my circumstances then

OP posts:
Original poster
bratnav · 18/02/2009 19:33

Peachy nooo, don't say the D-word! It was bloody awful today when we went in to give notice to be married and we both had to hand over our decree absolutes. Also when the registrar asked me how my last marriage ended I got a bit flustered and said 'badly' she meant divorce or death

OP posts:
CarGirl · 18/02/2009 19:33

Actually thinking about it this is what we did when I got married to ex in the end my parents paid for the meal & drink. We just went to a local poshish pub that at the time had a play area to keep the children amused.

piscesmoon · 18/02/2009 19:35

Perhaps you will set a new fashion bratnav, in the present economic climate people may not want to spend so much on one day. You can have a lovely day and have happy memories without getting into debt. If people can't be happy to share your day without a meal being provided I would question whether you want them there in the first place! A true friend would understand.

Lovingeveryminute · 18/02/2009 19:35

It is impossible to please everyone and anyone who really cares about you would surely rather hand over £15 than see you worried / in debt etc. Seems like a cheap deal to me and solves the problem of buying/receiving unwanted presents. Well done you for suggesting it. How is this any different from myself and my husband asking for cash not pressies please (which is becoming more common as people co-habit first), which everyone was happy with. Just be glad your friends are not the peole who would be offended by this. I am offended by rudeness and cruelty, not honesty. Have a lovely day.

warthog · 18/02/2009 19:35

well if you weren't a member of my family or my best friend i would be pissed off to have to pay for my meal.

but if you were my dsis or best friend, i'd be happy to cough up the £15 and would be thrilled for you.

hope you have a lovely day

onebatmother · 18/02/2009 19:43

I find that odd, warthog. Surely you are going to celebrate with someone about whom you care, not to have a free meal? If you're going to the trouble of getting dressed up and getting there on time etc, £15 instead of a wedding pres isn't a huge amount of extra trouble or expense, is it?

TBH, I find weddings and all the palaver fairly ghastly (except v v close friends/family); an extra £15 on top would neither diminish nor enhance my enjoyment of the occasion.

LaDiDaDi · 18/02/2009 19:44

I wouldn't be offended at all, particularly not by the way that you've worded the invite and the general low-key theme.

We went to thre weddings last year, stayed overnight for one of them, and I think that probably spent around 1k on going to them all plus the stress of outfits, blah blah.

By contrast I would be delighted to go to your wedding and pay 15 quid for a meal. I'd probably buy you a present too!

A couple we know are getting married in May and the groom joked to dp that he was going to put a note in the invite to say he would offer people 50pounds not to come as it would be cheaper for him than if they did attend!